A woman named: Optimism

Optimism is the main feeling I have had lately. I am so excited for everything in my life to come. I am grateful for everything that has already come. I have learned a lifetime of lessons this past year. It makes me feel so happy to be alive! All of it... the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly. Everything has come into my life for a reason, to teach me something. I am an interested, open and honest student to this beautiful life of mine. Life is what you make it. You choose your own footsteps. My dancing footsteps are littered with optimistic trek marks.

To the man who has my heart.

Jordan. Sweet, beautiful, exciting Jordan. You are the reason the winds in my life have changed, it has all lead up to you. You are meant for me. I am meant to be yours. Completely and utterly yours. All yours. Only yours. You are the only man for me. You are the man I have dreamt of, but you are real. I can touch you, laugh with you, hold you, make love to you, whisper your sweet name. Jordan. A life with you promises infinite possibility. A life with you that has already begun. We are two very, very blessed individuals.

And just like that, peace is granted.

I can't even remember the first time I prayed for peace in my life. I wanted inner peace.... so badly it hurt sometimes. I hoped and hoped and hoped. I tried to learn as much as possible, as soon as possible so it would be granted to me with a smile. Now, suddenly, I must have learned enough and experienced enough to be granted this most precious gift. It was sudden. I felt the change, but I can not explain it to anyone. I don't know why this sudden change has happened.... but it has. All that I need to know is just that it has. It has! Halejula!! Thank the universe and God. I am thankful. My life has had a different resonance these last few weeks. I am different. My years of work towards this one true life goal have not been wasted. Peace. Yes, sweet peace. I will work to keep you here for the rest of my days.....

Into myself...

No, I am not being conceited. I have just been self reflecting a lot lately. I go though periods in my life of extreme social behavior and then extreme anti-social behavior. It is just how I work. I need that alone time to think about the last phase in my life. Usually a transformation happens after this time. I feel a huge transformation coming on. I feel a change. I feel change's call. It is calling loudly. Loudly.....

Has love always been on my mind so incessantly?

I have realized my entire life I have been clearly obsessed with love. Obsessed with loving others, obsessed with others loving me.... obsessed with who others love. I know that someone close to me has loved another deeply. I know this. I want to find out the truth, dig it out. It is silly really. Of course he has loved someone else passionately. Have not I also? Love is not a threat, but I just don't want to lose to it....

What am I afraid of.

Sometimes my angry self shows it's ugly face. This self is not who I truly am... but it is a small part of me. Lately, despite all the good in my life, my angry self has been making multiple appearances. I understand that anger stems from fear. But what in the hell am I so afraid of? What am I worried will happen? Hours of soul searching has not yet come up with an answer; this struggle is something I have known since I was a child. It must eventually end.... but when? And how? Speaking literally..... maybe yoga will help. I have a friend who was angrier than I. She is now a yoga teacher, and is a calm person with control over her emotions. Yes, this school year, I am going to make yoga a priority. That is all I have to say for now.