Into myself...

No, I am not being conceited. I have just been self reflecting a lot lately. I go though periods in my life of extreme social behavior and then extreme anti-social behavior. It is just how I work. I need that alone time to think about the last phase in my life. Usually a transformation happens after this time. I feel a huge transformation coming on. I feel a change. I feel change's call. It is calling loudly. Loudly.....

Has love always been on my mind so incessantly?

I have realized my entire life I have been clearly obsessed with love. Obsessed with loving others, obsessed with others loving me.... obsessed with who others love. I know that someone close to me has loved another deeply. I know this. I want to find out the truth, dig it out. It is silly really. Of course he has loved someone else passionately. Have not I also? Love is not a threat, but I just don't want to lose to it....

What am I afraid of.

Sometimes my angry self shows it's ugly face. This self is not who I truly am... but it is a small part of me. Lately, despite all the good in my life, my angry self has been making multiple appearances. I understand that anger stems from fear. But what in the hell am I so afraid of? What am I worried will happen? Hours of soul searching has not yet come up with an answer; this struggle is something I have known since I was a child. It must eventually end.... but when? And how? Speaking literally..... maybe yoga will help. I have a friend who was angrier than I. She is now a yoga teacher, and is a calm person with control over her emotions. Yes, this school year, I am going to make yoga a priority. That is all I have to say for now.

One happy girl

I am so very happy. Things in my life have been so good since September (minus a few road bumps). I just wanted to express my gratitude to the universe. I am excited to see what awaits me in the next 5 months. I know it will be beautiful, whatever it is I do, learn and experience.

Hot Springs and Tom Petty.

Ironic. Ironic. Ironic. But, fitting. I love you. You won't understand this post.... but it doesn't matter.

It took you too long

I was thinking today, that it just took you way too long to finally figure out everything I was trying to say when we were together. I now know that learning curves can not be forced and sometimes they only really curve when the lesson is written in stone. Goodbye forever. I no longer want you back. I love you my friend. That is it... that is all.

New

I feel something new coming around the corner. I will not say what that new something is yet. It is just new. And it is just you.

Upside Down

I heard a hesitant knock on my door. I opened it. I was startled to see you. It was so good to see you. Walking with you was so very good, but frightening. I wish we could walk together like that and laugh like that forever. I wish we could have always then... and not focussed on what we couldn't do together. I still love you. I feel a little upside down today. Seeing you always does that to me. It makes me remember how much I miss you. I am glad we can be friends though, it makes it a little more bearable.

Stab myself in the back

I know that the things that go wrong in my life are because of me. Mind over matter. I know this... yet I still stab myself in the back. Hopefully soon, I will learn enough to stop. The stab wounds in my back never stop bleeding.

Gratititude

I am greatful for many things
the sun on my face
the snow on the mountains
the cuddle of my kitties as they sleep beside me
I am greatful for the friends I have met
for the friends that I miss
for the relationship I hold with my younger brothers
for the knowledge of beauty that I hold dear
I am greatful for the way my life has come full circle
greatful for all of my second chances I have had lately
greatful for all the memories I am lucky enough to share
greatful for my strong and healthy body
I am greatful for my persistence
my choices in my life so far, whether good or bad
my need to create art and express my inner self
my ability to smile and to see smiles
Most of all... I am greatful to be alive
I only live once
I am living life the way I choose
I love my life and the person that I am
I am greatful for many things because gratitude knows best