One word.... one syllable: Fear

Sharades is a grand game. Especially when mixed with a few glasses of wine! Paul had a potluck at his house a while ago..... we ate, we drank, we played taboo, and we played sharades. What a riot. I of course wanted to go up every chance I got (a bit of an attention hog ;). However.... this is only because I was sourounded by people I know and trust. If all of them were strangers, it would be another story.

I am considering trying out for a few plays. It is something I have always wanted to do..... it is just the fear of the unknown that is sofar holding me back. But this year; I am working to eliminate that fear, or at least minimize it to a miniscule minority. The fear I have learned is my enemy.... not my friend. It is there to keep me safe, but safe just isn't what life is all about. So wish me luck.... I think all of you will notice a big change in me and my life within the next year to come!

Luv You All,
Kim

Let the world slow down

Last weekend Simon and I had planned to go to Jasper to snowboard. At the last minute I had to cancel the trip due to a work meeting. Blah! Instead however... we got up early, while it was still dark, drove to Canmore..... parked and watched the sunrise. Watching the clouds float across the sky changing into every shape under the sun; while the sky turned cotton candy pink.... was in the very least amazing. It was such a reinforcement of the feeling I have had lately, that the world just needs to slow down sometimes. It is amazing what you will see when you are not focussed on work, a computer screen, a t.v. screen or driving from destination to destination. Take a break.... and live life. Honestly....... it is beautiful.

Bumpy Roads

Bumpy roads. That comes to mind at the moment..... it seems like life is full of country roads, scattered with big rocks and potholes. And sometimes a fallen tree decides to lay right on your path, separating you from the other side. Life can be frustrating.... and make you question what you think is right. But I guess that is what this winding path is all about.

I smell change (it smells like strawberries)

Change is in the air. I smell it's sweetly seductive scent everywhere I go.... and I am drawn to it. Simply put: my life needs an overhaul in almost every aspect possible. It has needed it for a while, but I was not ready. But I am finally at that point in my life where this overhaul can be carried out; and my determination is the key. My toes are tingling to test the water.... all I have to do is take that first step. But that first step is what troubles me. FEAR. FEAR of something new. FEAR of something unfamiliar. FEAR of stepping out of my comfort zone and into the unknown. FEAR is what has controlled me for the last 23 years. But I have a small chisel of knowledge that I am gathering against the fear every day. Every piece of knowledge replaces a little peice of fear. And everyday I am fighting the battle to be the person I want to be. My life is changing.... for the good.

I swallowed the fly on the wall

You know how sometimes you are walking along, just minding your own business..... and suddenly a realization hits your throat like a glob of peanut butter. That little thing that had been on your mind for, oh.. the last few days, few months, few years even. And suddenly without prior warning; you now just get IT. Pull out the party horns.... because YOU my friend have just swallowed an insight. I have been swallowing a lot of these sneaky little flies lately.... and digesting the lessons. The old lady didn't die after all.... the song was wrong! Who knew? I guess maybe being the fly on the wall, is looking in on your own self instead of someone else. Hmmm....
In other news: going to Vancouver tomorrow, Van tomorrow, Van tomorrow!

Poems Appropriate

I thought these poems would be appropriate for the situation I am in at the moment. They reflect my past loves, heartbreaks and lusts. I aim to depict all the emotions I have felt in my relationships (past and present), so these poems have been carefully selected from all my journals. The poems were written by me from the age of 16 until now. If you are interested in my poetry please check out my previous post "Whatever you want it to be", for a small glimps. Thanks!

ANGELS: written @ age 19
Here on Earth,
the angels fly.
Without wings
they walk right by.
Not in the sky.
Or on a cloud.
They smile and laugh;
those happy sounds.
Nor are they
dressed in white.
They pass you by;
no blinding light.
If you cry,
don't look above.
Look straight ahead
for one sweet hug.
And if you fall,
reach out your hand.
They'll break your fall
before you land.
But if you are
too proud to see;
they'll walk right by
without a heed.
Not in the clouds,
or up above.
Just look ahead...
for their true love.

CHANGING: written @ age 18
Who is she?
This reflection I see?
She looks back with familiar eyes,
and to my surprise....
this girl is me.
A year has past.
Just one year last.
A reflection lost at sea.
This girl named me,
drifting.... a sail, but no mast.
The wind then blew.
Her reflection grew.
The mast was built,
and sails were filled.
The wind was willed....
her sails; they flew.
We learn to steer.
Now I am here.
Living by the wind.
It is never the end,
you will always mend
when looking past the mirror.

WHIM: Written @ age 20
Wakes up thinking of him.
Just a whim?
She's not really sure,
how he likes her.
Cuddles up at night.
A morning flight.
Looks into his eyes.
Falling isn't wise.
Her heart is on her sleeve.
Will he leave?
Don't reveal too much too soon;
like an open wound.
Is it too easly to miss?
A fleeting kiss.
She braces for lies.
Will he surprise?
Something she felt before?
Not really sure.
Falls asleep him in her head....
wishing he was here in my bed.

MAGIC: written @ age 21
A living being has no magic with out another.
Without the reflection of mischief in a second pair of eyes.
No laughter full of mirth or knowing smiles; no satisfied sighs.
No magic to share without you.... because you are my magic.

WINDOW DRIZZLE: written @ age 21
I gaze through you, like a window on a rainy day. Distorted but clear as to what lies ahead. I'm filled with fear for all the terrible things we've said. Looking in with the pane between us two. Separating and dividing, making sure we can't quite touch. Frosted glass and blurry dreams. Which one of us two is hiding? We want what is right, but we hope for the wrong. Holding on too tight... hoping and praying and dreaming a little too long. It's over, so sad. But we have to let go. We can open the window. We can let the wind blow. And we can finally allow our true thoughts to flow.

INSPIRING: written @ age 22
Inspriring desire
my mind is on fire
pushing higher and higher
It's you.

SHRINKING: written @ age 21
Afraid of pain?
Insane; am I sain?
Hurt you. Gain me.
Will I ever feel free?
Never kneel down.
Underwater.
Will I drown?
Still I wonder:
do you feel thunder?
Stolen love.
Marry the dove.
Together we perish.
Apart we flourish.
Drip, drop.....
Rain doesn't stop.
Shrinking smaller.
As you grow taller.
Hurt me. Gain you.
Through and through.
Take the pain.
Sane? who is sane?

THE FIVE DOUBLE-YOU'S: written @ age 22
What, where, why and how? I already know who. But the answers I need are all of the above.... and can only be answered by you.

LUCKY: written @ age 20
To feel i am lucky.
To hear his sighs.
To writher as breath.
Tickles my thighs.
To feel his hands.
Calloused on my skin.
To breath shivers.
From deep within.
To long for sensations.
Classified as sin.
Unravelling and rolling.
In this game I win.

FORGET YOU NOT: written @ age 22
I won't forget the look of your face. I'm saying goodbye. It wasn't a waste.

DRUGGED: written @ age 23
You are like a drug. I can't stay away. I need my hit of you today.

CLIPPED WINGS: written @ age 22
Let me fly away and above. Don't clip my wings. And when I migrate to the end of the Earth... I will always come back to you.

BEHIND BARS: written @ age 22
If I feel caged I will fall. Esteem team feen will give me a call.

THINKING: written @ age 23
Thinking of you again.
When will this rehearsal end?
I wish I could talk to you again.
You are not the same as you were then.
Still, I keep thinking of you again.
Wish I could call you my friend.
Have a heart to heart once again.
A plee of peace to heaven I send.
So that I won't think of you again.
Wish that after six years I would mend.
But then I think of you again.
For a day of ignorance my soul I would lend.
To not think of you again.
But then I remember.
And I think of you again.

GHOST TRAIN: written @ age 23
Clickity clack of a ghost trains past. Gone to search for the lost. From what was before, and what was then. Searching for this train-tracks end.

GLASS SHARDS: written @ age 23
Don't really know how to say sorry.
Don't really know what to do.
There are pieces lying around me
Pieces cut of you.
And when I pick them up again.
Put them back together with glue.
I know they won't fit quite right.
These pieces cut of you.

FAIRY TALES: written @ age 22
A juicy apple
Ripe for the picking
Red, round and waxed
Poisoned
Still I will eat
Lips
To turn this frog into a princess
Red round and juicy
A poisoned apple pie
With blackbird filling

STARS: written @ age 21
When I think of u,
a starry sky comes to mind.
Sparkling pens....
sketching flickering beliefs.
Poem after poem.
U are a scorpio up above me.
Your thoughts, feelings and dreams;
all translate into one constellation.
Because writting or reading the stars....
it's all the same.

LIVING FOOL: written @ this moment in time
Am I a fool, for throwing this all away?
What do they say?
"only fools rush in..."
Or out. I am rushing out.
For it seems like I know you too well.
Home, inside and out.
And without a doubt.
You are what I dream about.
Each quirk. Each beautiful sky.
Remember those skies?
pink and blue... me and you.
"red sky at night sailors delight.
blue sky at morn, sailors be warned"
We were warned,
But inspite..... we still had our delights.
And through it all,
I love you stilll.
Because inside and out.
I am a fool for you.

32 is an number I will remember forever.

32... 32. 32. Thirty-two. You learn something new every day. Every single day. Today I learned what the number 32 means. In police code; it means dead person. Every one close to me is alive and well... safe and secure. Thank you universe for this gift. But someone else is dead. A woman with red hair. A woman who has family and friends who loved her.... and still do. People who are just now finding out she is gone from their life. Both her wrists were broken...snapped; she had no shoes on. Her hair was red. I couldn't see her face; all I could see was hair. She was lying face down, half on the curb half on the sidewalk. Her skin was beginning to blend in with the pavement. This is how Simon found her. This is how I found her too. I feel ill. Simon left for work a little over 2 hours ago. He got his bike from the shed, put his helmut on... saw 2 rabbits on our front lawn. He rode past only 2 houses. And there she was. Two doors down. 6:10 am and there she was. I heard him run into the house breathing heavy.... I thought maybe he forgot something for work. But in actuality today has nothing to do with forgetting. It is only about remembering. 32. The call to 911 was made. I heard him say 'body'. I ran outside with my painting quilt, to cover her with warmth. Just in case. But, the sirens came..... the number thirty-two was said in the same sentence as 'she's cold' and I learned my lesson for the day. 32. I find myself trying to lighten this with sarcasm in my own mind... but I know there is nothing funny about today. Nothing. I am sad for the life she lost and for those who lost her. Until the newspapers tell me her name I will think of her as number 32. 32.... when I see her face on the front page I will cry. I will cry. I will cry. I will cry because everyone has a face.... we are not numbers.

Whatever you want it to be......

Dresses and Dancing:

Teardrops of silky snow
Flying and Falling into place
Chilly underclothes warm...
with anticipation
Dreams for a Plexiglass existence
-Kim Jackson

Summer Blossoms:

Summer blooms away from the memories but shadows lie at my feet
and in my cerebellum of mush... I disguise myself as one
-Kim Jackson

Deceitful Decent:

Entrapped in a chilly decent of
nervous movement
and flashing eyes
Eccstatic with fear.
A bumblechuck bench to seat
my insecurities
-Kim Jackson

Teeth:

So as I walked along
my blinding white and perfect teeth sparkled.
I needed braces; but the difference needed toothpaste.
-Kim Jackson

Cookies cut of you:

Tom and Jane Smith
not the rolemodel I believe
or perceive
keep an identity
inside or lose.
99.9 percent genetic difference
open your mind to that!
Maybe we are all the same
or not
being the 'same'
normalcies frightening miscalculation
Androids walking the Earth
no....
we are not all the same
0.1 percent difference says so
-Kim Jackson

Clouds:

Cotton candy and coconut sky
dissipate before my eye
metamorphosize my stagnant soul
before this life takes it's toll
-Kim Jackson