In the words of Mufasa: "It is time." It is time for me to look at my life from a fresh perspective.
We only have THIS life once. In my mind, living with integrity and being true to yourself would not incorporate wasting ANY of these gifted moments.... and yet, I DO waste time. More often than I feel comfortable admitting. I just can not tell myself that I live a life of integrity, while pulling the wool over my eyes each and every time that I waste energy worrying about any scenario I have no control over, or every time I scroll through facebook in place of being productive, or every single time I go home to watch a silly movie instead of ENGAGING in life with other humans. Expressing this is not being negative or hard on myself.... it is being REAL and HONEST with myself. This is integrity. For me.
Below is Google's specific definition.
in·teg·ri·ty
inˈtegritē/
noun
- 1.the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness."he is known to be a man of integrity"
- 2.the state of being whole and undivided."upholding territorial integrity and national sovereignty"
synonyms: unity, unification, coherence, cohesion, togetherness, solidarity
"the integrity of the federation"
This past year has been one of intense change. Spiritually. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. I am truly A VERY DIFFERENT person compared to one year past. A drastically different person compared to ten years past. I repeat: drastically different. I am a much more grounded human. I am a better person, and I love this wonderful "me" person.
But for the sake of narcissistic internet journaling.... let's just focus on this year.
I became a business owner. I experienced heartbreak as I have never felt it before. I have learned about responsibility and all of the beautiful freedoms it can open up AND also how it can cage you. I began an intentional journey to heal. I have participated in several methods for this healing path, most being of metaphysical origin. It started with Chakra work and regular yoga. Then meditation, and eventually I immersed myself in a 10 day silent meditation retreat. Then I attended an Ayahuasca ceremony, which quite literally helped me to face MYSELF. I then began seriously looking into my past lives to understand where certain Karma's and patterns first began. This research was experienced using Holographic Kinetics. This particular method was intriguing, fascinating and frightening all in one. Much clearing, opening and understanding has come from all of this. Phenomenal amounts.... in ways that I did not even understand until this year, were necessary. Oh, and I have dogs (within the last few years) . Dog's are wonderful for the soul journey too.
Most importantly, these journeys have also allowed me to have compassion towards anyone in my life who has acted in unloving, hurtful or selfish mannerisms. This includes compassion towards myself. During this journey, I removed toxic scenario's from my life, not out of hate but out of compassion to my own needs (and spirit) AND others. True compassion. I feel it like never before. Love has become my most important goal. How to love. In entirety. Love for everyone and everything. THIS is a challenge for me. Really. To love unconditionally and to look through loving eyes ALWAYS is a beautiful reason for being. It is the reason I am here. Possibly all of us. My eyes have opened and I will never, ever be able to go back to my old seeing self. Awakenings are beautiful and terrifying and tumultuous and all encompassing. I have surrendered to THIS knowledge, but I still consistently walk through this paradigm with sass and fight. I have not fully surrendered to it all. Not yet.
This year has been both uplifting and exhausting. I have went through some very dark moments, and came out on top with new perspective. My perspective is completely different, yet very much the same.... this I can not explain. There were times where I quite literally NEEDED to hide from this world. Particularly after the Vipassana meditation retreat and the Ayahuasca ceremony. These were times in which I needed to process in private. Away from all of the holographic non-sense. Processing is still happening and will for quite some time.
Living my life to the fullest is something that I thought I WAS already doing. It was not until this past month, when a beautiful soul went back to the stars... that I realized how much precious time I still truly waste. It is a time of change, and this past year much groundwork has been created for exquisite beauty to blossom. I leave for Australia in 5 days....
Thank-you Nicholas, for reminding so many people, of: the ultimate limit of this life AND more importantly... how UNLIMITED life's possibilities really are. You have impacted the lives of so many with your love. You have impacted my life in big ways, despite the random, short and beautiful interactions, I was lucky enough to experience with you. Today I start living truly, in your memory. I hope I can impact other's lives as eloquently as you have. I hope to see you again in another lifetime buddy. So much love to you... and US ALL.
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