Fresh Start

Sometimes mistakes are made and there is nothing that you can do about them. You just have to learn to forgive. I am learning to forgive, but forgiveness has never been my forte. It will take a while, and that while will be filled with ups and downs. I can not change that. I can not change the past. All I can change is the future. The future will be good... and will be again what it has been in the past. It will just take a little time. Time has never hurt anyone.

Dissipate before my eye

I witnessed the most beautiful cloud formation I have ever seen in my life.
It reminded me of a poem I wrote a few years ago.

Cotton candy and coconut sky.
Dissipate before my eye.
Metamorphosize my stagnant soul.
Before this life takes its toll.

The colours of the clouds were light pink layered on light blue, milky white and storm cloud grey. The clouds were perfect fluffy images of the clouds I have seen in cartoons. I did not even know clouds could really look that perfect. The clouds were strategically arranged around one bright opening in the sky. This opening periodically flashed with far off lightning. Each lightning flash lit up the colours of the clouds to a glowing, surreal and warm, rich amber. I wanted to touch it. Thoughts of getting my camera to take a picture were ignored for fear that if I tore my eyes away for one second... the clouds would dissapear. They dissapeared anyways, despite my loyal watch. Dissipated before my eye.... gone was my cotton candy and coconut sky. Gone was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life. Gone, never to be regained or seen again. Like all things in life, nothing lasts forever. I understand this lesson. I understand the metaphor those clouds hold in my current life. You can not force the beauty of life to stay around forever. Eventually it must change. All you can do is have your eyes open for the next time it may show itself to you. All you can do is feel lucky to have witnessed it once, and hope and pray you will again be blessed with lifes wonders.

Until you are home

I am so excited to see you. Nervous too. Only because I know there are a few things that need to be talked about. Boundaries I guess. But all that can wait until you return and are back in my arms. You are so special and I am so happy to be special to you. See you tomorrow morning lover!

A woman named: Optimism

Optimism is the main feeling I have had lately. I am so excited for everything in my life to come. I am grateful for everything that has already come. I have learned a lifetime of lessons this past year. It makes me feel so happy to be alive! All of it... the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly. Everything has come into my life for a reason, to teach me something. I am an interested, open and honest student to this beautiful life of mine. Life is what you make it. You choose your own footsteps. My dancing footsteps are littered with optimistic trek marks.

To the man who has my heart.

Jordan. Sweet, beautiful, exciting Jordan. You are the reason the winds in my life have changed, it has all lead up to you. You are meant for me. I am meant to be yours. Completely and utterly yours. All yours. Only yours. You are the only man for me. You are the man I have dreamt of, but you are real. I can touch you, laugh with you, hold you, make love to you, whisper your sweet name. Jordan. A life with you promises infinite possibility. A life with you that has already begun. We are two very, very blessed individuals.

And just like that, peace is granted.

I can't even remember the first time I prayed for peace in my life. I wanted inner peace.... so badly it hurt sometimes. I hoped and hoped and hoped. I tried to learn as much as possible, as soon as possible so it would be granted to me with a smile. Now, suddenly, I must have learned enough and experienced enough to be granted this most precious gift. It was sudden. I felt the change, but I can not explain it to anyone. I don't know why this sudden change has happened.... but it has. All that I need to know is just that it has. It has! Halejula!! Thank the universe and God. I am thankful. My life has had a different resonance these last few weeks. I am different. My years of work towards this one true life goal have not been wasted. Peace. Yes, sweet peace. I will work to keep you here for the rest of my days.....

Into myself...

No, I am not being conceited. I have just been self reflecting a lot lately. I go though periods in my life of extreme social behavior and then extreme anti-social behavior. It is just how I work. I need that alone time to think about the last phase in my life. Usually a transformation happens after this time. I feel a huge transformation coming on. I feel a change. I feel change's call. It is calling loudly. Loudly.....

Has love always been on my mind so incessantly?

I have realized my entire life I have been clearly obsessed with love. Obsessed with loving others, obsessed with others loving me.... obsessed with who others love. I know that someone close to me has loved another deeply. I know this. I want to find out the truth, dig it out. It is silly really. Of course he has loved someone else passionately. Have not I also? Love is not a threat, but I just don't want to lose to it....

What am I afraid of.

Sometimes my angry self shows it's ugly face. This self is not who I truly am... but it is a small part of me. Lately, despite all the good in my life, my angry self has been making multiple appearances. I understand that anger stems from fear. But what in the hell am I so afraid of? What am I worried will happen? Hours of soul searching has not yet come up with an answer; this struggle is something I have known since I was a child. It must eventually end.... but when? And how? Speaking literally..... maybe yoga will help. I have a friend who was angrier than I. She is now a yoga teacher, and is a calm person with control over her emotions. Yes, this school year, I am going to make yoga a priority. That is all I have to say for now.

One happy girl

I am so very happy. Things in my life have been so good since September (minus a few road bumps). I just wanted to express my gratitude to the universe. I am excited to see what awaits me in the next 5 months. I know it will be beautiful, whatever it is I do, learn and experience.