Dear Myself,

This year you are going to accomplish even more than last. You are going to grow so very much and become even more happy than you already are. You are going to learn and learn and learn. You are going to use all the lessons you have learned in 2009 for 2010 and beyond. You are going to finally start sewing dammit! You are going to paint more. You are going to solidify your relationships. You are going to be more loving than you already are. The world can always use more love :). You are going to get rid or your freaking debt already. You are going to be ready for anything. Why to all of this? Because I said so. It is about time!

xo
Love Yourself.

The in-between

Somewhere in between last year and this year I have learned how to know when enough is enough. I guess I have just grown up enough to stand up for myself and say: "That is just not okay!" I have learned when to speak up, and when not to. I have learned when it is worth hanging on, and when it is not. I have learned who I want to keep around me in my life and who I don't. I have learned who treats me well, and who doesn't. Thank-goodness. It has taken out the guess work. I am so very lucky. I have so many friends who I love and who love me. I have an amazing family on my side and on Jordan's. I love life :)

All I want for Christmas... and every other day!

I wish I could paint every single day. While I am in school I have not had the energy to put enough time towards painting. Granted, I have been painting this last year more than most... but it is like an obsession. I want more! I want to paint forever. I am in the middle of one of my electives and all I can think about is painting. I would like to finish the paintings I have on the go. Finish the 4 other paintings that I have promised to friends, and then get at least 15 ready for a spring show as well as my portfolio. I know this is my calling. When am I going to make it a priority? Soon I hope!

All in all....

All in all, I don't feel very motivated lately. I am in the most amazing school experience possible, learning from some very talented and interesting instructors, doing some very exciting research and outdoor activity... but I feel blah. Maybe it is just the weather? Or maybe not. I am in a slump. I need to climb out. This is not who I am, but I feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck. Being stuck it the bane of my existence. I feel that sometimes I try so hard and don't seem to get very far... so why try. But try I will, because that's the way I always have been. That's the way I always will be. That is what I do in my life, eventually I will get there. Not as quickly as I would like to, but as long as I try I will eventually hit the golden mark. I am resilient. At least I hope I am.

Where does all the time go?

Time management. While I am in school, this has become particularly important. It seems like the time slips away faster and faster every single day. I am thinking ahead to when I am in the later days of my life. I wonder if I will feel like I took advantage of all this time we are blessed with... or if I will feel like I wasted it?

This life learning curve

Coming to grips with the rollercoaster of life has been my pastime lately.

It can be a little frustrating.

Positivity, sometimes decides to burry its head in the sand. Not scarce, it may just be on a short vacation. Instead I would call positivity a hidden gem. A hidden gem that must be dusted off and rinsed. Once visible though, it will always again show you it's true shining beauty. I have learned a lot though, and I am definitely closer to the person I want to be. So much closer than ever before.

There goes that positivity of mine again. Back from her vacation already and showing her true colours.

Look beyond what is presented to you

Have you ever met someone who pretends to be something that they are not? You know the person who puts on a show of who they think they want to be... or who they think others want them to be, but inside they are not that person. I know someone like this. I currently see a person like this most days. It annoys the hell out of me. I just watch and wonder: when are they going to stop lying to themselves and face the truth. Only in truth does real change happen. I guess I need to remember that each person learns at their own pace in life, and each path is very different from my own. Good luck to you, and good wishes. I hope you one day face your own truth.

Fresh Start

Sometimes mistakes are made and there is nothing that you can do about them. You just have to learn to forgive. I am learning to forgive, but forgiveness has never been my forte. It will take a while, and that while will be filled with ups and downs. I can not change that. I can not change the past. All I can change is the future. The future will be good... and will be again what it has been in the past. It will just take a little time. Time has never hurt anyone.

Dissipate before my eye

I witnessed the most beautiful cloud formation I have ever seen in my life.
It reminded me of a poem I wrote a few years ago.

Cotton candy and coconut sky.
Dissipate before my eye.
Metamorphosize my stagnant soul.
Before this life takes its toll.

The colours of the clouds were light pink layered on light blue, milky white and storm cloud grey. The clouds were perfect fluffy images of the clouds I have seen in cartoons. I did not even know clouds could really look that perfect. The clouds were strategically arranged around one bright opening in the sky. This opening periodically flashed with far off lightning. Each lightning flash lit up the colours of the clouds to a glowing, surreal and warm, rich amber. I wanted to touch it. Thoughts of getting my camera to take a picture were ignored for fear that if I tore my eyes away for one second... the clouds would dissapear. They dissapeared anyways, despite my loyal watch. Dissipated before my eye.... gone was my cotton candy and coconut sky. Gone was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life. Gone, never to be regained or seen again. Like all things in life, nothing lasts forever. I understand this lesson. I understand the metaphor those clouds hold in my current life. You can not force the beauty of life to stay around forever. Eventually it must change. All you can do is have your eyes open for the next time it may show itself to you. All you can do is feel lucky to have witnessed it once, and hope and pray you will again be blessed with lifes wonders.

Until you are home

I am so excited to see you. Nervous too. Only because I know there are a few things that need to be talked about. Boundaries I guess. But all that can wait until you return and are back in my arms. You are so special and I am so happy to be special to you. See you tomorrow morning lover!

A woman named: Optimism

Optimism is the main feeling I have had lately. I am so excited for everything in my life to come. I am grateful for everything that has already come. I have learned a lifetime of lessons this past year. It makes me feel so happy to be alive! All of it... the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly. Everything has come into my life for a reason, to teach me something. I am an interested, open and honest student to this beautiful life of mine. Life is what you make it. You choose your own footsteps. My dancing footsteps are littered with optimistic trek marks.

To the man who has my heart.

Jordan. Sweet, beautiful, exciting Jordan. You are the reason the winds in my life have changed, it has all lead up to you. You are meant for me. I am meant to be yours. Completely and utterly yours. All yours. Only yours. You are the only man for me. You are the man I have dreamt of, but you are real. I can touch you, laugh with you, hold you, make love to you, whisper your sweet name. Jordan. A life with you promises infinite possibility. A life with you that has already begun. We are two very, very blessed individuals.

And just like that, peace is granted.

I can't even remember the first time I prayed for peace in my life. I wanted inner peace.... so badly it hurt sometimes. I hoped and hoped and hoped. I tried to learn as much as possible, as soon as possible so it would be granted to me with a smile. Now, suddenly, I must have learned enough and experienced enough to be granted this most precious gift. It was sudden. I felt the change, but I can not explain it to anyone. I don't know why this sudden change has happened.... but it has. All that I need to know is just that it has. It has! Halejula!! Thank the universe and God. I am thankful. My life has had a different resonance these last few weeks. I am different. My years of work towards this one true life goal have not been wasted. Peace. Yes, sweet peace. I will work to keep you here for the rest of my days.....

Into myself...

No, I am not being conceited. I have just been self reflecting a lot lately. I go though periods in my life of extreme social behavior and then extreme anti-social behavior. It is just how I work. I need that alone time to think about the last phase in my life. Usually a transformation happens after this time. I feel a huge transformation coming on. I feel a change. I feel change's call. It is calling loudly. Loudly.....

Has love always been on my mind so incessantly?

I have realized my entire life I have been clearly obsessed with love. Obsessed with loving others, obsessed with others loving me.... obsessed with who others love. I know that someone close to me has loved another deeply. I know this. I want to find out the truth, dig it out. It is silly really. Of course he has loved someone else passionately. Have not I also? Love is not a threat, but I just don't want to lose to it....

What am I afraid of.

Sometimes my angry self shows it's ugly face. This self is not who I truly am... but it is a small part of me. Lately, despite all the good in my life, my angry self has been making multiple appearances. I understand that anger stems from fear. But what in the hell am I so afraid of? What am I worried will happen? Hours of soul searching has not yet come up with an answer; this struggle is something I have known since I was a child. It must eventually end.... but when? And how? Speaking literally..... maybe yoga will help. I have a friend who was angrier than I. She is now a yoga teacher, and is a calm person with control over her emotions. Yes, this school year, I am going to make yoga a priority. That is all I have to say for now.