"It is just a moment.... not the rest of your life."
This profoundly simple and true statement is what I want to live by.
If I remember this, I will be able to fully enjoy the good times and truly gain perspective and peace in the hard times.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
This life
The outdoors has truly been a healing paradise for me the last few years. If I had never taken the outdoor adventure tourism diploma.... I don't really know what I would be doing right now. I am guessing that I would be feeling lost. I would be wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I know I would not be as progressed in my life path as I am now. I would still be floundering along, trying to figure out how to do the things I want to do, how to meet the mentors I need in my life... how to do just about anything right. But... I do know. I know. I know what I want, what I believe, who I admire, who I am. Thank you God, Universe, Earth that I have the beautiful outdoors to ground me. To show me who I am. To be my religion. Everyone needs their own spirituality. I get mine when I am on a hike, on a rock wall, on a frozen waterfall, on a glacier, on a mountain peak, in the lake water, in a tent..... or when I paint. Simple. Those things are my religion.
During the last few years I have learned a lot about myself. Some things I was surprised by. Other things were difficult for me to face. Most lessons built confidence in myself and trust in others; those lessons taught me leadership and love. I still have a million lessons to learn before I become the woman I envision for myself. I try to envision someone with more grace, more understanding, more assertiveness, more motivation, more humour, more positivity, more love. I try to envision myself as someone that I admire with my whole mind and heart. When I die, I hope to be that woman. When I die, I do not want to be left with any regrets. Nobody knows when they will die. I feel the urgency to understand that each moment could be my last.
Death has been on my mind lately. I have a close friend who is facing death everyday. Not in herself... but in her beautiful 9 month old daughter. Her daughter started out her life healthy. Slowly, then not so slowly, her tiny body has betrayed her. The disease in in her brain, specifically in her myelin sheaths. They are degenerating. The disease is officially called Krabbe syndrome. The disease is officially degenerative.
It breaks my heart to read the blog that my friend writes. She writes about her feelings, how her daughter is doing, how she herself is dealing with watching her baby fight to be alive. It breaks my heart every single day. It breaks my heart to read, but I force myself to do it. My friend is being brave when facing this reality. She is being positive and loving and strong. She is praying for a miracle. She is doing everything medicinally, emotionally, homeopathically and naturally possible to encourage a miracle. I don't know how she can be so very brave. I don't even know how to completely understand my own life yet, let alone, death. Especially the death of a child. I don't know what it is yet to create a child, nurture a child, carry my own child in my womb or my arms. My friend has done all of those things. Now she may have to face the possibility of a short (but very loved) life for her baby girl. If she can be brave.... then of course so can I. I am praying for a miracle for this little soul too, and for her mother.
Life deserves to be lived to the fullest. It is a gift, that does expire. You never know when it will be taken from you. As I watch my friend struggle with this fact, I am trying to not be selfish in my own life. Being selfish would be to forget how very lucky we all are to be alive. I need to remember the basic fact of life: we all die. We all die, so we must truly live every moment while we are still alive.
During the last few years I have learned a lot about myself. Some things I was surprised by. Other things were difficult for me to face. Most lessons built confidence in myself and trust in others; those lessons taught me leadership and love. I still have a million lessons to learn before I become the woman I envision for myself. I try to envision someone with more grace, more understanding, more assertiveness, more motivation, more humour, more positivity, more love. I try to envision myself as someone that I admire with my whole mind and heart. When I die, I hope to be that woman. When I die, I do not want to be left with any regrets. Nobody knows when they will die. I feel the urgency to understand that each moment could be my last.
Death has been on my mind lately. I have a close friend who is facing death everyday. Not in herself... but in her beautiful 9 month old daughter. Her daughter started out her life healthy. Slowly, then not so slowly, her tiny body has betrayed her. The disease in in her brain, specifically in her myelin sheaths. They are degenerating. The disease is officially called Krabbe syndrome. The disease is officially degenerative.
It breaks my heart to read the blog that my friend writes. She writes about her feelings, how her daughter is doing, how she herself is dealing with watching her baby fight to be alive. It breaks my heart every single day. It breaks my heart to read, but I force myself to do it. My friend is being brave when facing this reality. She is being positive and loving and strong. She is praying for a miracle. She is doing everything medicinally, emotionally, homeopathically and naturally possible to encourage a miracle. I don't know how she can be so very brave. I don't even know how to completely understand my own life yet, let alone, death. Especially the death of a child. I don't know what it is yet to create a child, nurture a child, carry my own child in my womb or my arms. My friend has done all of those things. Now she may have to face the possibility of a short (but very loved) life for her baby girl. If she can be brave.... then of course so can I. I am praying for a miracle for this little soul too, and for her mother.
Life deserves to be lived to the fullest. It is a gift, that does expire. You never know when it will be taken from you. As I watch my friend struggle with this fact, I am trying to not be selfish in my own life. Being selfish would be to forget how very lucky we all are to be alive. I need to remember the basic fact of life: we all die. We all die, so we must truly live every moment while we are still alive.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Settle me
Well, things have settled down. As usual. I don't like the roller coaster ride though.
I want to envision myself as a calm, stable, soft person.
Putting that vision to reality is very difficult for someone so dramatic.
Dramatic life equals a stressful life.
I love my life, but I want more serenity. I know I will find it one day soon.
I work towards it everyday. It is the everyday part that is difficult. My will power and self control have never been something that has come easy.
My luck has always come easy though. So have my inspiration, creativity, strength. I need to focus on those things.... they will help me to reach my goal of serenity and peace.
Meditation and yoga are on my mind constantly. But why can I not get myself to wake early to do them? It is difficult changing my entire body's rhythm. Rhythm.
Rhythm is what I need. I need a daily rhythm, starting with meditation, yoga, exercise and then some creativity.
In rhythm will I find peace. This is not a question, but a statement.
Keep going Kim. You will always find what you need. You are blessed. You are lucky. You have many talents to help you along the way and many friends to guide you.
I want to envision myself as a calm, stable, soft person.
Putting that vision to reality is very difficult for someone so dramatic.
Dramatic life equals a stressful life.
I love my life, but I want more serenity. I know I will find it one day soon.
I work towards it everyday. It is the everyday part that is difficult. My will power and self control have never been something that has come easy.
My luck has always come easy though. So have my inspiration, creativity, strength. I need to focus on those things.... they will help me to reach my goal of serenity and peace.
Meditation and yoga are on my mind constantly. But why can I not get myself to wake early to do them? It is difficult changing my entire body's rhythm. Rhythm.
Rhythm is what I need. I need a daily rhythm, starting with meditation, yoga, exercise and then some creativity.
In rhythm will I find peace. This is not a question, but a statement.
Keep going Kim. You will always find what you need. You are blessed. You are lucky. You have many talents to help you along the way and many friends to guide you.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Foot in Mouth Disease
I am learning to not put my foot in my mouth.
Airing my feelings is a good thing, but airing them too quickly, before I allow my mind and emotions to settle is not good. It is not the most intelligent thing I have done. So.... no more.
I am not going to allow myself to use this as a journal for my deepest frustrations. It is neither smart to do that, nor helpful. It only ends up in embarrassment and regret.
This is a blog for anyone to read.... not just me.
Kim... let this be a reminder to myself.
Airing my feelings is a good thing, but airing them too quickly, before I allow my mind and emotions to settle is not good. It is not the most intelligent thing I have done. So.... no more.
I am not going to allow myself to use this as a journal for my deepest frustrations. It is neither smart to do that, nor helpful. It only ends up in embarrassment and regret.
This is a blog for anyone to read.... not just me.
Kim... let this be a reminder to myself.
Monday, May 03, 2010
The Waiting Game
Here I sit, jacked up on coffee at 11:45pm. I am waiting.
I have written the outline for my presentation, but I must wait to give it. I will then wait to find out if I will be chosen to go to Tanzania, Africa. I am waiting for more adventure. I am waiting for the travel I so crave, but I will never be satisfied by more. The more I crave, the more I travel and then... my wanderlust craves even more.
I have called our new probable landlords to arrange a meeting. The times were not set in stone. I must call them again, and then talk to them. And then I will wait to find out if perhaps I will be lucky enough to sign a rent-to-own contract and potentially buy the tiny little house, with a perfect little location. I am waiting to have a place of my own. A place to grow fruit trees. A place to decorate, to paint in, to live in, to love in.
I have packed all of my fire fighting equipment. I am waiting on a call. I am waiting for the rain to stop and the forests to once again dry up. I am waiting for an unthinking person to throw their cigarette out of the window of their car. I am waiting for the sparks to light up the trees... and the red flames to blaze hot.
I sit here and wait. I wait for my eyes to become droopy, and my mind to become still. I sit here and wait to be tired. I wait to crawl into my bed, under the covers, snuggle with my cats and my lover, and succumb my world to the dreams in my subconscious. La la dream land seems inviting.
I am waiting, but learning patience... has always been something I have eagerly waited for but never grasped.
I have written the outline for my presentation, but I must wait to give it. I will then wait to find out if I will be chosen to go to Tanzania, Africa. I am waiting for more adventure. I am waiting for the travel I so crave, but I will never be satisfied by more. The more I crave, the more I travel and then... my wanderlust craves even more.
I have called our new probable landlords to arrange a meeting. The times were not set in stone. I must call them again, and then talk to them. And then I will wait to find out if perhaps I will be lucky enough to sign a rent-to-own contract and potentially buy the tiny little house, with a perfect little location. I am waiting to have a place of my own. A place to grow fruit trees. A place to decorate, to paint in, to live in, to love in.
I have packed all of my fire fighting equipment. I am waiting on a call. I am waiting for the rain to stop and the forests to once again dry up. I am waiting for an unthinking person to throw their cigarette out of the window of their car. I am waiting for the sparks to light up the trees... and the red flames to blaze hot.
I sit here and wait. I wait for my eyes to become droopy, and my mind to become still. I sit here and wait to be tired. I wait to crawl into my bed, under the covers, snuggle with my cats and my lover, and succumb my world to the dreams in my subconscious. La la dream land seems inviting.
I am waiting, but learning patience... has always been something I have eagerly waited for but never grasped.
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