The outdoors has truly been a healing paradise for me the last few years. If I had never taken the outdoor adventure tourism diploma.... I don't really know what I would be doing right now. I am guessing that I would be feeling lost. I would be wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I know I would not be as progressed in my life path as I am now. I would still be floundering along, trying to figure out how to do the things I want to do, how to meet the mentors I need in my life... how to do just about anything right. But... I do know. I know. I know what I want, what I believe, who I admire, who I am. Thank you God, Universe, Earth that I have the beautiful outdoors to ground me. To show me who I am. To be my religion. Everyone needs their own spirituality. I get mine when I am on a hike, on a rock wall, on a frozen waterfall, on a glacier, on a mountain peak, in the lake water, in a tent..... or when I paint. Simple. Those things are my religion.
During the last few years I have learned a lot about myself. Some things I was surprised by. Other things were difficult for me to face. Most lessons built confidence in myself and trust in others; those lessons taught me leadership and love. I still have a million lessons to learn before I become the woman I envision for myself. I try to envision someone with more grace, more understanding, more assertiveness, more motivation, more humour, more positivity, more love. I try to envision myself as someone that I admire with my whole mind and heart. When I die, I hope to be that woman. When I die, I do not want to be left with any regrets. Nobody knows when they will die. I feel the urgency to understand that each moment could be my last.
Death has been on my mind lately. I have a close friend who is facing death everyday. Not in herself... but in her beautiful 9 month old daughter. Her daughter started out her life healthy. Slowly, then not so slowly, her tiny body has betrayed her. The disease in in her brain, specifically in her myelin sheaths. They are degenerating. The disease is officially called Krabbe syndrome. The disease is officially degenerative.
It breaks my heart to read the blog that my friend writes. She writes about her feelings, how her daughter is doing, how she herself is dealing with watching her baby fight to be alive. It breaks my heart every single day. It breaks my heart to read, but I force myself to do it. My friend is being brave when facing this reality. She is being positive and loving and strong. She is praying for a miracle. She is doing everything medicinally, emotionally, homeopathically and naturally possible to encourage a miracle. I don't know how she can be so very brave. I don't even know how to completely understand my own life yet, let alone, death. Especially the death of a child. I don't know what it is yet to create a child, nurture a child, carry my own child in my womb or my arms. My friend has done all of those things. Now she may have to face the possibility of a short (but very loved) life for her baby girl. If she can be brave.... then of course so can I. I am praying for a miracle for this little soul too, and for her mother.
Life deserves to be lived to the fullest. It is a gift, that does expire. You never know when it will be taken from you. As I watch my friend struggle with this fact, I am trying to not be selfish in my own life. Being selfish would be to forget how very lucky we all are to be alive. I need to remember the basic fact of life: we all die. We all die, so we must truly live every moment while we are still alive.