With only a few days left of my challenge, I am starting to reflect on the short time I have lived without the daily aid of my mirror image.
This challenge has given me more perspective than I imagined it would. I have learned a few solid lessons and I have gained more courage to continue on with deeper and more difficult challenges in the future.
This challenge has made me feel strong in a strange sense of the word. I did not doubt my ability to be without mirrors, but I feel proud of this tiny feat none the less. The lessons I have taken from this have proven to me that challenging myself in these small ways, is the right path for my own spiritual awakening and conscious evolution. I have gained some confidence, and calming my vanity has also begun to calm my spirit and mind. I can not explain these small changes, as I do not entirely understand them... I just know that challenging myself feels like the right thing to do.
Not looking in the mirror was more difficult than I anticipated. I struggled at first. Soon, I started to notice that my need to look at myself wained. My addiction began to cure. I had slip ups, and accidents and outright defiance's of my own rules, but my learning was in the entire process.
I truly have realized that I can feel beautiful without the safety net of the visual sight of myself. Beauty of course is on the inside and any amount of peering into a reflection will never, ever change this. I know this all seems to be common sense... and I did know all this logically before hand, but this challenge tested my perception and proved me both wrong and right. I now intrinsically FEEL this wisdom within me, inside of me.
My challenge comes to an end in 3 days (including today). I have toyed with the idea of extending the challenge to see what else I could gain from it, but in the end: I feel that I have already gained the wisdom that I was seeking from this great life lesson. I may revisit this challenge for a longer period of time in the future, but for now, I will put it to rest.
I am excited to see what I choose as my next challenge and to see what I learn and how I will be surprised.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
An addiction of the vain
My experience so far with this challenge has been surprising and more difficult than I anticipated. Until now, I have not realized how much I actually do look at myself in any mirror or reflective surface. It embarrasses me to admit this, but I promised to be completely honest when recapping my challenge experiences.
Day one of the challenge was relatively easy because it was so new. In the morning I did my usual routine. Once I was dressed, polished and looking satisfactory... I blew a little kiss goodbye to my mirror image. I then turned around all of the mirrors in my house. That day I did catch myself peeking in mirrors on several occasions. Each time, once I realized that I was breaking one of the challenge rules, I internally scolded myself. It felt like a little addiction I needed to break. An addiction of vanity. Not a big deal right?
Day two was drastically more difficult. The reason being that I woke up with a giant cold sore! I admittedly looked in the mirror intentionally but sneakily at the same time. I was almost attempting to hide my purposeful dismissal, of my own rules, from myself. It felt somewhat bizzare and cheap. Not looking in the mirror to see if my cold sore had grown to the size of a small tumor was almost physically painful. The times when I did look in the mirror, I felt immediate guilt.
Day three was a little better. In the morning, I did take a few glimpses at my cold sore, and I also put on mascara while looking in the mirror... but I scolded myself after (despite the fact that I did it knowingly and intentionally). Jordan asked me if I looked in the mirror almost immediately after I walked out of the bathroom and I quickly lied with a firm "no." As soon as I did this guilt forced me to look him in the eyes and tell the truth. I said "actually, yes." He started to laugh and replied: "Oh, you were going to lie to me?" in a teasing tone. The truth is... I was lying to myself more than to Jordan. After this little incident I then decided to be more true to my challenge for the rest of that day. As I stepped outside to my car that morning, I almost looked in the glass reflection of the drivers side door. Luckily I caught myself in time. The interesting part about this is: when I turned my head to the side, in order to avoid my reflection, I noticed some beautiful cloud formations in the sky. I would have missed that beautiful view otherwise. It makes me wonder, what other beautiful sights I have missed in my life while I was too busy staring at myself? I think this realization was a breakthrough.
Day four went well. It feels like my vanity addiction is starting to be broken. It is definitely getting easier to avoid my reflection. I am noticing much quicker each time I attempt a sneak peak. I did catch myself fluffing my hair while using the shadow of myself on the wall as a visual cue last night, but a small breach of my challenge in comparison to two days before. This morning I have not been nearly as tempted to look in the mirror. I am guessing day five will go smoothly. Unless of course a new shipment of clothing has come into my workplace. I may be tempted to try the new threads on, in front of one of the many mirrors in the shop.
All in all, this challenge has been quite an interesting experiment. I have already learned that I am more vain than I originally thought. Maybe, deep down, I already knew this.... and chose this as my first challenge to expose myself?
Day one of the challenge was relatively easy because it was so new. In the morning I did my usual routine. Once I was dressed, polished and looking satisfactory... I blew a little kiss goodbye to my mirror image. I then turned around all of the mirrors in my house. That day I did catch myself peeking in mirrors on several occasions. Each time, once I realized that I was breaking one of the challenge rules, I internally scolded myself. It felt like a little addiction I needed to break. An addiction of vanity. Not a big deal right?
Day two was drastically more difficult. The reason being that I woke up with a giant cold sore! I admittedly looked in the mirror intentionally but sneakily at the same time. I was almost attempting to hide my purposeful dismissal, of my own rules, from myself. It felt somewhat bizzare and cheap. Not looking in the mirror to see if my cold sore had grown to the size of a small tumor was almost physically painful. The times when I did look in the mirror, I felt immediate guilt.
Day three was a little better. In the morning, I did take a few glimpses at my cold sore, and I also put on mascara while looking in the mirror... but I scolded myself after (despite the fact that I did it knowingly and intentionally). Jordan asked me if I looked in the mirror almost immediately after I walked out of the bathroom and I quickly lied with a firm "no." As soon as I did this guilt forced me to look him in the eyes and tell the truth. I said "actually, yes." He started to laugh and replied: "Oh, you were going to lie to me?" in a teasing tone. The truth is... I was lying to myself more than to Jordan. After this little incident I then decided to be more true to my challenge for the rest of that day. As I stepped outside to my car that morning, I almost looked in the glass reflection of the drivers side door. Luckily I caught myself in time. The interesting part about this is: when I turned my head to the side, in order to avoid my reflection, I noticed some beautiful cloud formations in the sky. I would have missed that beautiful view otherwise. It makes me wonder, what other beautiful sights I have missed in my life while I was too busy staring at myself? I think this realization was a breakthrough.
Day four went well. It feels like my vanity addiction is starting to be broken. It is definitely getting easier to avoid my reflection. I am noticing much quicker each time I attempt a sneak peak. I did catch myself fluffing my hair while using the shadow of myself on the wall as a visual cue last night, but a small breach of my challenge in comparison to two days before. This morning I have not been nearly as tempted to look in the mirror. I am guessing day five will go smoothly. Unless of course a new shipment of clothing has come into my workplace. I may be tempted to try the new threads on, in front of one of the many mirrors in the shop.
All in all, this challenge has been quite an interesting experiment. I have already learned that I am more vain than I originally thought. Maybe, deep down, I already knew this.... and chose this as my first challenge to expose myself?
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
CHALLENGE # ONE: A test of vanity
I do not consider myself a particularly vain person. I take only about half an hour to get ready for the day (this excludes eating but includes a shower). I do not find myself prancing around in front of a mirror making different cliche poses to see which pose is sexier. I prefer to go out on a hike than to the bar (although I absolutely love to dance to live music), out on a climb rather than shopping and I would rather paint a pretty picture than put makeup all over my face.
However, I do find that anytime I enter a room with a mirror I do a quick check to see if I look nice and when I go into a bathroom without a mirror, I feel slightly disconcerted and miffed. I do like to wear form fitting clothing, jewelry and a bit of mascara. I do very admittedly like to feel pretty.
So, the question is: how vain am I really? How easily can I live without a mirror to aid me in my quick morning routine, to reassure me with an image of myself daily?
Of course, I have been on long hikes and outdoor trips without the daily advantage and vain enablement of a mirror. These hikes though were far from the society that I live in day to day. Far from my friends, work place, town and day to day life.
A true test of my vanity would be to remove mirrors from my life entirely (within reason) for a set amount of time. This is exactly what I am going to do. How vain am I really? How will the absence of a mirror affect my daily life? What lessons about myself and society will I learn... if any? Here are my rules and guidelines for this challenge:
1. This challenge is to last a total of 14 days starting tomorrow, September 8th, 2010.
2. I must cover or turn the mirrors around in my own home and not undo this until my challenge time is achieved. I will also not look intentionally or directly into a reflective surface in my home.
3. At work, other peoples homes, businesses, etc. I must not look directly and intentionally into a mirror or reflective surface. This may be difficult, but I must avoid looking to be truthful to this challenge. If I am driving, I of course will still look into the mirrors... this is a safety issue and I am not going to compromise my safety. However, I can easily avoid maintaining longer than needed glances in the vehicle mirrors.
4. I must refrain from asking others for their opinions of what I look like. For example: "Does my hair look okay?" This is not something that I normally do, but in the absence of a mirror I may be tempted to have visual approval as a safety net.
5. I will write at least twice of my thoughts and experiences during this challenge.
However, I do find that anytime I enter a room with a mirror I do a quick check to see if I look nice and when I go into a bathroom without a mirror, I feel slightly disconcerted and miffed. I do like to wear form fitting clothing, jewelry and a bit of mascara. I do very admittedly like to feel pretty.
So, the question is: how vain am I really? How easily can I live without a mirror to aid me in my quick morning routine, to reassure me with an image of myself daily?
Of course, I have been on long hikes and outdoor trips without the daily advantage and vain enablement of a mirror. These hikes though were far from the society that I live in day to day. Far from my friends, work place, town and day to day life.
A true test of my vanity would be to remove mirrors from my life entirely (within reason) for a set amount of time. This is exactly what I am going to do. How vain am I really? How will the absence of a mirror affect my daily life? What lessons about myself and society will I learn... if any? Here are my rules and guidelines for this challenge:
1. This challenge is to last a total of 14 days starting tomorrow, September 8th, 2010.
2. I must cover or turn the mirrors around in my own home and not undo this until my challenge time is achieved. I will also not look intentionally or directly into a reflective surface in my home.
3. At work, other peoples homes, businesses, etc. I must not look directly and intentionally into a mirror or reflective surface. This may be difficult, but I must avoid looking to be truthful to this challenge. If I am driving, I of course will still look into the mirrors... this is a safety issue and I am not going to compromise my safety. However, I can easily avoid maintaining longer than needed glances in the vehicle mirrors.
4. I must refrain from asking others for their opinions of what I look like. For example: "Does my hair look okay?" This is not something that I normally do, but in the absence of a mirror I may be tempted to have visual approval as a safety net.
5. I will write at least twice of my thoughts and experiences during this challenge.
Friday, September 03, 2010
Starting over: A NEW ERA
My life has come to a point in which I desperately need change. I am somewhat happy. Somewhat successful. Somewhat loving. Somewhat free. Somewhat me. I don't know when I went from a free-spirited, loving, open and passionate young woman to a slightly jaded, emotional wreck, hiding from middle age. Of course, this is all relative. I do not seem the latter. But inside, I know I need to reach a sense of myself again. I need a connection that I have been missing with ME. I am what is missing in the equation. Somehow, I have let mere existence and the rig-a-ma-roll of survival in our silly society take ME out of me. She hasn't been missing for long, but I deeply miss her passionate face, and I am determined to find her again.
So, the start of a new era of conscious evolution prevails. It prevails in my mind and my heart. I am to start this soon. Perhaps today? I am planning with a keen enthusiasm. Who wouldn't be enthused when it comes to oneself?
This will start off with a series of challenges that I may find difficult... or that I have wanted to accomplish for many years. Some may seem silly, trivial, vain or superficial. Some may seem utterly pointless. Some may seem incredibly difficult or very simple. Some may seem worthy of the cause. What they seem does not really matter at all. For me there is a reason for each and every one. I will try to explain those reasons in prose, even if only for myself to read.
I will also be brutally honest from now on in my blog. When did I decide that I cared so much about what anybody else thought? This feeling of trying to please snuck up on me. I don't like to admit it, but a level of censorship has been used and abused in my writing within the last few years. I have not lied of course, but I have tended to leave out any bad feelings or thoughts. Well, not anymore. I want to remember who I am and how I feel for all of it... not just the pretty pieces of life.
Now, I do not think a series of challenges given to myself is going to make me suddenly realize something about myself and I will suddenly be a different person. Though, I do think some of the lessons I learn will help me to feel solid on my own two feet again. Independence in challenge will feed me some confidence and wisdom.
It came to my attention this morning that the major life lessons I have learned and the most change that my life has given me until now has always been at the end of a relationship. When love inevitably (or so it felt) broke my heart in the past, I was a changed person by circumstance. Not changed by choice. Inside I would fight the changes and then eventually give into them when I could not hold onto that love anymore or when it just plain failed.
I have been blessed to have several men fall in love with me and me with several men. But until now, I have not been determined to hold on and weather all the ups and downs of an adult partnership. I thought I was determined at certain points. I certainly felt determined, but my lack of understanding until this point held me back. I was madly in love with Aaron, but our immaturity just could not handle any amount of true stess on the love that we held between us. I thought I was in love with Dan, but I lied. I am quite sure that he lied also. I was in love with Tyler, but his straight and narrow life did not combine with mine, which was all over the map. Simon. Well, THAT relationship was disasterous. Need I say more. We did love. And we did hate. That pretty much sums it up.
Jordan and I love each other. We have had our fair share of struggles. However, an intense yearning to learn more about love itself keeps us together. Having similar dreams of our future, sharing an appreciation of nature, discussing our similar values and our regular choices for the fun things we do in our spare time help to solidify our bond. Jordan is the first person I have been with who truly wants to help me achieve everything I have ever wanted in my life. I feel the same for him too. I want us to work together to achieve.
I guess I could consider that my relationship with Aaron held that same quality..... but how realistic are your dreams at age 16? My dreams with Tyler were all but forgotten. I was at too shaky of a time in my life to even remember to hold onto them. My dreams with Simon were held against me like some sort of threatening weapon. If I brought them up, he felt threatened and he was usually un-supportive.
With Jordan, I can achieve the things that I want AND have a relationship with him. We can seek the love we want at the same time as reaching for our dreams. I can learn to change, to be a better person, to consciously evolve, AND have the security of a learning, changing and loving partnership.
So.... It STARTS.
So, the start of a new era of conscious evolution prevails. It prevails in my mind and my heart. I am to start this soon. Perhaps today? I am planning with a keen enthusiasm. Who wouldn't be enthused when it comes to oneself?
This will start off with a series of challenges that I may find difficult... or that I have wanted to accomplish for many years. Some may seem silly, trivial, vain or superficial. Some may seem utterly pointless. Some may seem incredibly difficult or very simple. Some may seem worthy of the cause. What they seem does not really matter at all. For me there is a reason for each and every one. I will try to explain those reasons in prose, even if only for myself to read.
I will also be brutally honest from now on in my blog. When did I decide that I cared so much about what anybody else thought? This feeling of trying to please snuck up on me. I don't like to admit it, but a level of censorship has been used and abused in my writing within the last few years. I have not lied of course, but I have tended to leave out any bad feelings or thoughts. Well, not anymore. I want to remember who I am and how I feel for all of it... not just the pretty pieces of life.
Now, I do not think a series of challenges given to myself is going to make me suddenly realize something about myself and I will suddenly be a different person. Though, I do think some of the lessons I learn will help me to feel solid on my own two feet again. Independence in challenge will feed me some confidence and wisdom.
It came to my attention this morning that the major life lessons I have learned and the most change that my life has given me until now has always been at the end of a relationship. When love inevitably (or so it felt) broke my heart in the past, I was a changed person by circumstance. Not changed by choice. Inside I would fight the changes and then eventually give into them when I could not hold onto that love anymore or when it just plain failed.
I have been blessed to have several men fall in love with me and me with several men. But until now, I have not been determined to hold on and weather all the ups and downs of an adult partnership. I thought I was determined at certain points. I certainly felt determined, but my lack of understanding until this point held me back. I was madly in love with Aaron, but our immaturity just could not handle any amount of true stess on the love that we held between us. I thought I was in love with Dan, but I lied. I am quite sure that he lied also. I was in love with Tyler, but his straight and narrow life did not combine with mine, which was all over the map. Simon. Well, THAT relationship was disasterous. Need I say more. We did love. And we did hate. That pretty much sums it up.
Jordan and I love each other. We have had our fair share of struggles. However, an intense yearning to learn more about love itself keeps us together. Having similar dreams of our future, sharing an appreciation of nature, discussing our similar values and our regular choices for the fun things we do in our spare time help to solidify our bond. Jordan is the first person I have been with who truly wants to help me achieve everything I have ever wanted in my life. I feel the same for him too. I want us to work together to achieve.
I guess I could consider that my relationship with Aaron held that same quality..... but how realistic are your dreams at age 16? My dreams with Tyler were all but forgotten. I was at too shaky of a time in my life to even remember to hold onto them. My dreams with Simon were held against me like some sort of threatening weapon. If I brought them up, he felt threatened and he was usually un-supportive.
With Jordan, I can achieve the things that I want AND have a relationship with him. We can seek the love we want at the same time as reaching for our dreams. I can learn to change, to be a better person, to consciously evolve, AND have the security of a learning, changing and loving partnership.
So.... It STARTS.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)