My life has come to a point in which I desperately need change. I am somewhat happy. Somewhat successful. Somewhat loving. Somewhat free. Somewhat me. I don't know when I went from a free-spirited, loving, open and passionate young woman to a slightly jaded, emotional wreck, hiding from middle age. Of course, this is all relative. I do not seem the latter. But inside, I know I need to reach a sense of myself again. I need a connection that I have been missing with ME. I am what is missing in the equation. Somehow, I have let mere existence and the rig-a-ma-roll of survival in our silly society take ME out of me. She hasn't been missing for long, but I deeply miss her passionate face, and I am determined to find her again.
So, the start of a new era of conscious evolution prevails. It prevails in my mind and my heart. I am to start this soon. Perhaps today? I am planning with a keen enthusiasm. Who wouldn't be enthused when it comes to oneself?
This will start off with a series of challenges that I may find difficult... or that I have wanted to accomplish for many years. Some may seem silly, trivial, vain or superficial. Some may seem utterly pointless. Some may seem incredibly difficult or very simple. Some may seem worthy of the cause. What they seem does not really matter at all. For me there is a reason for each and every one. I will try to explain those reasons in prose, even if only for myself to read.
I will also be brutally honest from now on in my blog. When did I decide that I cared so much about what anybody else thought? This feeling of trying to please snuck up on me. I don't like to admit it, but a level of censorship has been used and abused in my writing within the last few years. I have not lied of course, but I have tended to leave out any bad feelings or thoughts. Well, not anymore. I want to remember who I am and how I feel for all of it... not just the pretty pieces of life.
Now, I do not think a series of challenges given to myself is going to make me suddenly realize something about myself and I will suddenly be a different person. Though, I do think some of the lessons I learn will help me to feel solid on my own two feet again. Independence in challenge will feed me some confidence and wisdom.
It came to my attention this morning that the major life lessons I have learned and the most change that my life has given me until now has always been at the end of a relationship. When love inevitably (or so it felt) broke my heart in the past, I was a changed person by circumstance. Not changed by choice. Inside I would fight the changes and then eventually give into them when I could not hold onto that love anymore or when it just plain failed.
I have been blessed to have several men fall in love with me and me with several men. But until now, I have not been determined to hold on and weather all the ups and downs of an adult partnership. I thought I was determined at certain points. I certainly felt determined, but my lack of understanding until this point held me back. I was madly in love with Aaron, but our immaturity just could not handle any amount of true stess on the love that we held between us. I thought I was in love with Dan, but I lied. I am quite sure that he lied also. I was in love with Tyler, but his straight and narrow life did not combine with mine, which was all over the map. Simon. Well, THAT relationship was disasterous. Need I say more. We did love. And we did hate. That pretty much sums it up.
Jordan and I love each other. We have had our fair share of struggles. However, an intense yearning to learn more about love itself keeps us together. Having similar dreams of our future, sharing an appreciation of nature, discussing our similar values and our regular choices for the fun things we do in our spare time help to solidify our bond. Jordan is the first person I have been with who truly wants to help me achieve everything I have ever wanted in my life. I feel the same for him too. I want us to work together to achieve.
I guess I could consider that my relationship with Aaron held that same quality..... but how realistic are your dreams at age 16? My dreams with Tyler were all but forgotten. I was at too shaky of a time in my life to even remember to hold onto them. My dreams with Simon were held against me like some sort of threatening weapon. If I brought them up, he felt threatened and he was usually un-supportive.
With Jordan, I can achieve the things that I want AND have a relationship with him. We can seek the love we want at the same time as reaching for our dreams. I can learn to change, to be a better person, to consciously evolve, AND have the security of a learning, changing and loving partnership.
So.... It STARTS.