Today I Write

 I love to write.

I love to truly express my feelings through my words.  When I describe exactly what I feel.... with no inhibitions, I feel internal release and freedom.  I have been missing that freedom lately.  Perhaps this is why I have taken so long to write about my conscious evolution?

Today I write with no obligation to my conscious evolution.  That in itself, is an eternal process, and despite my lack of immediate time to put forth into this chosen path; I do constantly imagine future challenges that will infuse my life with more light.  This blog however, has nothing to do with my conscious evolution.

Pure artistic expression and release.  Does every human being have this need?  Art in my eyes is not only a painting on a wall.  Each person is unique.  Art to me is expression...... don't we all need to express?       

The past is a curious subject.  Lately, thinking of my past has caused me much pain and also much happiness.  I do not like to live in my past, but I do think about both fond and traumatic memories often.  Sometimes more often than I believe is healthy.  This does not hinder my present, but sometimes I wish the movie in my mind would end.  If only I could truly live in each moment or, if I could experience chosen memory loss.   Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; one of my favorite movies.... there is a reason I like it so much and identify with the main characters.     

I actually began writing this post almost a month ago.  One month ago I ended with the paragraph above.... speaking of my former life.  I must have sensed that my past would soon emerge into my present life.   

My past recently has come to visit me.  First through an old friend, and more recently through a past love.  This resurgence interests me.  Why all at once?  Maybe to give myself a chance to right my wrongs, to feel closure.... to know that everyone is okay and on the right path in life?  I certainly do appreciate this gift from the universe.  Knowing one of my closest childhood friends is doing absolutely amazing things makes me so happy.  It also feels good to know that the man whom I shared my longest love relationship, is doing very well and seems happy.  I have worried about him.  We had a very tumultuous relationship.  It caused a lot of pain for both of us.  We learned many lessons.... but I never felt satisfied with the lack of closure the last time we saw each other.  Thankfully, I believe I have that now.

Many of my favorite past memories are dreamy, illusionary concepts of time now gone and often missed.  I still dream of a time when I played "one, two, three, tree" in the middle of the night.  I still do think of days when I stayed up late writing silly, salacious notes, trying to express with all of my heart how I felt inside; despite the fact that I had no comparison to the intense emotions I was so suddenly lucky to know.  I remember walking home late, always.  I remember the amazement at how even the shadows in the streetlights imitated the masculine and feminine forms.  I felt very feminine in those years.... I still do feel very feminine, just stronger.  I do feel envious of a time when I felt so sure about love that I couldn't even imagine any other way of being.  I have not again ran around in a golf course intoxicated.  At this point in my life, I am not sure that I would do that again.  I still have a love for umbrella shaped trees.... they hide secrets.  I do wonder if that life for me was even real, or if over the years, I have imagined my feelings to be more intense than they actually were.

I have tried to erase those memories.  I burnt letters, drawings, pictures and a time when love was something I believed was everything that was needed.  When I did this two years ago I thought I was letting go forever.  I wanted to start new love with lightness.  I wanted to forget, but now I know I was only solidifying my life path and destiny.  Burning did not make me forget.  I am okay with that.  I am glad that I have my past to tell me who I am today.  I am glad that I have my life now.  I am one very blessed soul to have liven everything I have.  The people in my life, past and present have always been my teachers.

My lessons in love and friendship have made the most impact.  That.... I will not ever forget.