Hot Springs and Tom Petty.

Ironic. Ironic. Ironic. But, fitting. I love you. You won't understand this post.... but it doesn't matter.

It took you too long

I was thinking today, that it just took you way too long to finally figure out everything I was trying to say when we were together. I now know that learning curves can not be forced and sometimes they only really curve when the lesson is written in stone. Goodbye forever. I no longer want you back. I love you my friend. That is it... that is all.

New

I feel something new coming around the corner. I will not say what that new something is yet. It is just new. And it is just you.

Upside Down

I heard a hesitant knock on my door. I opened it. I was startled to see you. It was so good to see you. Walking with you was so very good, but frightening. I wish we could walk together like that and laugh like that forever. I wish we could have always then... and not focussed on what we couldn't do together. I still love you. I feel a little upside down today. Seeing you always does that to me. It makes me remember how much I miss you. I am glad we can be friends though, it makes it a little more bearable.

Stab myself in the back

I know that the things that go wrong in my life are because of me. Mind over matter. I know this... yet I still stab myself in the back. Hopefully soon, I will learn enough to stop. The stab wounds in my back never stop bleeding.

Gratititude

I am greatful for many things
the sun on my face
the snow on the mountains
the cuddle of my kitties as they sleep beside me
I am greatful for the friends I have met
for the friends that I miss
for the relationship I hold with my younger brothers
for the knowledge of beauty that I hold dear
I am greatful for the way my life has come full circle
greatful for all of my second chances I have had lately
greatful for all the memories I am lucky enough to share
greatful for my strong and healthy body
I am greatful for my persistence
my choices in my life so far, whether good or bad
my need to create art and express my inner self
my ability to smile and to see smiles
Most of all... I am greatful to be alive
I only live once
I am living life the way I choose
I love my life and the person that I am
I am greatful for many things because gratitude knows best

Full Circle

I am back in Golden. Life is full of circles.... I have come full circle. Being back sofar has been incredible. It has also been a little lonely. I am meeting so many people that are happy, free-spirited and open.... but I miss the people who know me best. It is so strange to feel lonely when you are surrounded by friends. This is how I am feeling right now. There is something to be said of being around a person who knows you through and through... I miss that. I miss you my friends. I love you.

Sparkly

I was in the coffee house today. I was introduced to her. She looked at me and said "Wow... you are sparkly". I was not wearing anything with sparkles, no make-up... nothing shiny. But I knew exactly what she meant. I know that this is the difference between me and most people in this world. The fact that I am sparkly and full of life. I have always known I am sparkly. It is interesting to meet someone else who was able to see that right away. She must be sparkly too.

Such is life.

I have decided that I need to find out for myself.
I know you have changed. I could feel it when
I saw you last.
Rougher around the edges.... a bit of an asshole.
Why? You used to be such a sweet, respectful,
good person.
What made you so angry and arrogant.
Well, fear is what creates anger and insecurity
is what creates arrogance.
Are you those things?
I have been told that you are.
That you disrespect women. Look down on them.
That you are a sleazy man.
That is so sad.
You used to have the world in your hands.
So sad to lose a good person like you used to be.
We need less people like you are now in this world...
and more people like you were.
Sounds like all this time that I have been soul searching.
All this time that I have been becoming happier and
happier.
All this time that I have realized I love life....
You have maybe realized life is not as simple as you
thought it was.
Are you jaded?
Poor you. Don't be ridiculous.
You can't feel happy and respect yourself in the way that
you are acting.
You must feel empty.
Fill yourself up with party, fill yourself up with women.
It will still feel empty my dear.
Those things are empty.
Hopefully you remember who you are soon.... and work
to live a better life, before it is too late.

Alone

This creative burst of energy I have had lately is because I am without you. I am sorry to say it but it is true. I have allowed my creative juices to flow now that my sorrow in our relationship has ended. I can write again. I can paint again. I am alone again. I am happy to be alone. You are not. On the phone the other day you sounded so lonely and sad. It broke my heart. I do not want you to feel so alone and sad. I wish with everything inside of me that I could fix whatever was broken from the start in our relationship. I can not though. It is an impossible puzzle. We were taught that over and over again. I hope you had an amazing trip to Golden. I hope you had fun and felt your spirit revived and lifted. I hope you met a beautiful mountain town sprite and made love to her. It is what you need to get over me, to take your mind off of your alone-ness. Because I will never be your woman again. I will never feel the need to fill up your alone-ness again. I will always love you though. Always.