So long, farewell....

I am driving back to Armstrong tomorrow. The start of my adventure has arrived! In three weeks I will be back in Golden preparing for 4 months of intense travel and outdoor life. I am so lucky. I tell myself this everyday. Lucky. So long all.... I love you all. I love you. Bye Calgary... I will be back, maybe on better terms this time. Hello new memories. I can't wait to make more memories. My life is going to change. Goodbye.... hello.

So be it; friend

I looked at you today. I wondered how my life will change in the next 5 months. I looked and you and I thought "I will miss him." I do not regret last night. I do not regret telling you how I feel. I am glad I have told you before I leave. I am glad at the choice you made. The choice not to kiss me. Thank-you for that. Thank-you for being the stronger person... in doing so, allowing me to fully enjoy every minute of my trip. I will see you again my friend in 5 months. Maybe, just maybe... you will have missed me too. When I get back I will be a new person. See you then, until then....... climb like you are climbing big rock. Drink some Big Rock too....mmmmm.... Big Rock.

I miss you... it is simple

I am missing you again. Missing dancing... dancing until our emotions took over and everything we were trying to express in our dance was expressed in our satisfied faces. I feel so happy without you though. I wake up in the morning with energy. I wake up with a smile on my face. I know when I wake up that my day will not be a roller coaster of uncertainty. Uncertainty that you will finally realize that you don't love me anymore.... or maybe that I realize that I don't love you anymore. So why do I keep missing you? I know the answer... it is because it IS you. You are you, how can I compete with that. My heart just cannot compete with that. Every time I see you again my emotions get all mixed up... my head becomes confused. I have to stay away. It is good that I am going away to school.... I will have something else to think about; something else to focus on. Maybe then I will stop missing you? When I come back will you have the same look of love in your eyes when you see me... as you had today? I am afraid that you won't. Even though I know that is what you need.

A cliche

Well... at the risk of acting out a cliche.... I have to say that: THINGS TRULY DO HAPPEN FOR A REASON. Simon and I were never meant to be together forever. I know this now that my head is clear of confusion and my heart is free of everyday heartbreak. We were meant to teach each other a lesson.... so far since our parting, I have learned an enormous amount. I have so much more energy. More energy than I have had in over a year (keep in mind... energy is something I come by easily). I also feel so much more grounded in my beliefs. I know what I want, who I want, where I want, why I want, when I want and almost everything surrounding the how. At least I think I do ;) I just feel so happy. So completely happy. So completely me. Relationships are difficult... but they are even more difficult with someone unwilling to budge in any way whatsoever. I felt like I was a dentist prying a rotten tooth every time I tried to have an in depth conversation with Simon. I couldn't talk to him about my inner most feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Of course we lost the connection.... how could we not lose the connection? How did we stay together for so damn long? I remember the first love that I ever had... he and I could talk for hours; about anything. Is it any wonder that I felt so connected with him? We were young, yes... but the connection was truly there. I want to be able to talk for hours with the next person I love. I want to feel that they are interested in what I have to say... I want to make love to the person who has listened to me and to who I have listened to. I want to make love to someone who has seen inside of me. That is what I want. I will not settle. I know there is someone out there that I can talk with... that I can understand... who understands me. I don't want to jump into anything.... but if the right person comes along, I am not going to punish myself for my mistakes or mis-steps in my last relationship. Relationships are a learning curve too. I have learned many lessons..... the only real mistakes are the mistakes that are not corrected the first time.

This Long Text

"I am sorry is not enough. I wish things could have been different. One day I hope to be friends again or at least friendly. Please have a good life. I am letting go of my guilt, not because I am ignoring the things I did... but because it breeds the hate. I am going to finally allow myself to be happy. I know you will be happy too. Maybe finally finding happiness was the purpose of our relationship. That is what this lesson is teaching me. Goodbye for now, I hope not forever".

The end.

Let the healing begin

I am healing finally. It feels good. I can feel the happiness soaking in and staying. My skin has been absorbing much more laughing sounds and positive energy. I still miss him.... I will for a very long time. However, I can say with confidence: LET THE REAL HEALING BEGIN. Just a little message to my broken heart.

Nice Advice.... but I am thinking Thrice

I recieved some great advice last night. Advice I have heard AND taken before. Advice I have hoped to hear; every single time I have asked. Advice which has answered questions... questions I have longed to ask. This advice has also opened pandora's box on many, many more questions. In the past I would have jumped on this advice. Felt justified in taking it... thrilled that someone else agreed with me. That someone else was as eager as I. This is not the past. I am not the past. I will not take the advice. It was good advice..... just not good for me.

Inside I am melting

I am melting inside
my heart open wide
draining my blood for you
a draconian surprise
with a draconian demise
to prove my love was true

Can not shake it

I can not shake you
you with your emerald eyes
you with your bright blue eyes
you with your soft brown eyes
I can not shake you
None of you
I just can not

The Plan Stan

I have decided to take a break from life for a few months. Literally. I am staying in the Okanagan with my family until September to get my head together and change directions. With Simon and I breaking up, my life seems to be crumbling. I need this time for reflection; to think about what went wrong, to heal and to learn from my mistakes. I also need to decide where I want to take my life in the next year. My long term plans will be staying the same, of course. Documentary film making and photography are my callings. I am trying to figure out the best course of action to take to get there though. My planning all rests on whether I receive the scholarship for the College of the Rockies. I am crossing my fingers and my toes. Hopefully superstition will work this one time for me. Cross your fingers for me too... okay?