I do not consider myself a particularly vain person. I take only about half an hour to get ready for the day (this excludes eating but includes a shower). I do not find myself prancing around in front of a mirror making different cliche poses to see which pose is sexier. I prefer to go out on a hike than to the bar (although I absolutely love to dance to live music), out on a climb rather than shopping and I would rather paint a pretty picture than put makeup all over my face.
However, I do find that anytime I enter a room with a mirror I do a quick check to see if I look nice and when I go into a bathroom without a mirror, I feel slightly disconcerted and miffed. I do like to wear form fitting clothing, jewelry and a bit of mascara. I do very admittedly like to feel pretty.
So, the question is: how vain am I really? How easily can I live without a mirror to aid me in my quick morning routine, to reassure me with an image of myself daily?
Of course, I have been on long hikes and outdoor trips without the daily advantage and vain enablement of a mirror. These hikes though were far from the society that I live in day to day. Far from my friends, work place, town and day to day life.
A true test of my vanity would be to remove mirrors from my life entirely (within reason) for a set amount of time. This is exactly what I am going to do. How vain am I really? How will the absence of a mirror affect my daily life? What lessons about myself and society will I learn... if any? Here are my rules and guidelines for this challenge:
1. This challenge is to last a total of 14 days starting tomorrow, September 8th, 2010.
2. I must cover or turn the mirrors around in my own home and not undo this until my challenge time is achieved. I will also not look intentionally or directly into a reflective surface in my home.
3. At work, other peoples homes, businesses, etc. I must not look directly and intentionally into a mirror or reflective surface. This may be difficult, but I must avoid looking to be truthful to this challenge. If I am driving, I of course will still look into the mirrors... this is a safety issue and I am not going to compromise my safety. However, I can easily avoid maintaining longer than needed glances in the vehicle mirrors.
4. I must refrain from asking others for their opinions of what I look like. For example: "Does my hair look okay?" This is not something that I normally do, but in the absence of a mirror I may be tempted to have visual approval as a safety net.
5. I will write at least twice of my thoughts and experiences during this challenge.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Friday, September 03, 2010
Starting over: A NEW ERA
My life has come to a point in which I desperately need change. I am somewhat happy. Somewhat successful. Somewhat loving. Somewhat free. Somewhat me. I don't know when I went from a free-spirited, loving, open and passionate young woman to a slightly jaded, emotional wreck, hiding from middle age. Of course, this is all relative. I do not seem the latter. But inside, I know I need to reach a sense of myself again. I need a connection that I have been missing with ME. I am what is missing in the equation. Somehow, I have let mere existence and the rig-a-ma-roll of survival in our silly society take ME out of me. She hasn't been missing for long, but I deeply miss her passionate face, and I am determined to find her again.
So, the start of a new era of conscious evolution prevails. It prevails in my mind and my heart. I am to start this soon. Perhaps today? I am planning with a keen enthusiasm. Who wouldn't be enthused when it comes to oneself?
This will start off with a series of challenges that I may find difficult... or that I have wanted to accomplish for many years. Some may seem silly, trivial, vain or superficial. Some may seem utterly pointless. Some may seem incredibly difficult or very simple. Some may seem worthy of the cause. What they seem does not really matter at all. For me there is a reason for each and every one. I will try to explain those reasons in prose, even if only for myself to read.
I will also be brutally honest from now on in my blog. When did I decide that I cared so much about what anybody else thought? This feeling of trying to please snuck up on me. I don't like to admit it, but a level of censorship has been used and abused in my writing within the last few years. I have not lied of course, but I have tended to leave out any bad feelings or thoughts. Well, not anymore. I want to remember who I am and how I feel for all of it... not just the pretty pieces of life.
Now, I do not think a series of challenges given to myself is going to make me suddenly realize something about myself and I will suddenly be a different person. Though, I do think some of the lessons I learn will help me to feel solid on my own two feet again. Independence in challenge will feed me some confidence and wisdom.
It came to my attention this morning that the major life lessons I have learned and the most change that my life has given me until now has always been at the end of a relationship. When love inevitably (or so it felt) broke my heart in the past, I was a changed person by circumstance. Not changed by choice. Inside I would fight the changes and then eventually give into them when I could not hold onto that love anymore or when it just plain failed.
I have been blessed to have several men fall in love with me and me with several men. But until now, I have not been determined to hold on and weather all the ups and downs of an adult partnership. I thought I was determined at certain points. I certainly felt determined, but my lack of understanding until this point held me back. I was madly in love with Aaron, but our immaturity just could not handle any amount of true stess on the love that we held between us. I thought I was in love with Dan, but I lied. I am quite sure that he lied also. I was in love with Tyler, but his straight and narrow life did not combine with mine, which was all over the map. Simon. Well, THAT relationship was disasterous. Need I say more. We did love. And we did hate. That pretty much sums it up.
Jordan and I love each other. We have had our fair share of struggles. However, an intense yearning to learn more about love itself keeps us together. Having similar dreams of our future, sharing an appreciation of nature, discussing our similar values and our regular choices for the fun things we do in our spare time help to solidify our bond. Jordan is the first person I have been with who truly wants to help me achieve everything I have ever wanted in my life. I feel the same for him too. I want us to work together to achieve.
I guess I could consider that my relationship with Aaron held that same quality..... but how realistic are your dreams at age 16? My dreams with Tyler were all but forgotten. I was at too shaky of a time in my life to even remember to hold onto them. My dreams with Simon were held against me like some sort of threatening weapon. If I brought them up, he felt threatened and he was usually un-supportive.
With Jordan, I can achieve the things that I want AND have a relationship with him. We can seek the love we want at the same time as reaching for our dreams. I can learn to change, to be a better person, to consciously evolve, AND have the security of a learning, changing and loving partnership.
So.... It STARTS.
So, the start of a new era of conscious evolution prevails. It prevails in my mind and my heart. I am to start this soon. Perhaps today? I am planning with a keen enthusiasm. Who wouldn't be enthused when it comes to oneself?
This will start off with a series of challenges that I may find difficult... or that I have wanted to accomplish for many years. Some may seem silly, trivial, vain or superficial. Some may seem utterly pointless. Some may seem incredibly difficult or very simple. Some may seem worthy of the cause. What they seem does not really matter at all. For me there is a reason for each and every one. I will try to explain those reasons in prose, even if only for myself to read.
I will also be brutally honest from now on in my blog. When did I decide that I cared so much about what anybody else thought? This feeling of trying to please snuck up on me. I don't like to admit it, but a level of censorship has been used and abused in my writing within the last few years. I have not lied of course, but I have tended to leave out any bad feelings or thoughts. Well, not anymore. I want to remember who I am and how I feel for all of it... not just the pretty pieces of life.
Now, I do not think a series of challenges given to myself is going to make me suddenly realize something about myself and I will suddenly be a different person. Though, I do think some of the lessons I learn will help me to feel solid on my own two feet again. Independence in challenge will feed me some confidence and wisdom.
It came to my attention this morning that the major life lessons I have learned and the most change that my life has given me until now has always been at the end of a relationship. When love inevitably (or so it felt) broke my heart in the past, I was a changed person by circumstance. Not changed by choice. Inside I would fight the changes and then eventually give into them when I could not hold onto that love anymore or when it just plain failed.
I have been blessed to have several men fall in love with me and me with several men. But until now, I have not been determined to hold on and weather all the ups and downs of an adult partnership. I thought I was determined at certain points. I certainly felt determined, but my lack of understanding until this point held me back. I was madly in love with Aaron, but our immaturity just could not handle any amount of true stess on the love that we held between us. I thought I was in love with Dan, but I lied. I am quite sure that he lied also. I was in love with Tyler, but his straight and narrow life did not combine with mine, which was all over the map. Simon. Well, THAT relationship was disasterous. Need I say more. We did love. And we did hate. That pretty much sums it up.
Jordan and I love each other. We have had our fair share of struggles. However, an intense yearning to learn more about love itself keeps us together. Having similar dreams of our future, sharing an appreciation of nature, discussing our similar values and our regular choices for the fun things we do in our spare time help to solidify our bond. Jordan is the first person I have been with who truly wants to help me achieve everything I have ever wanted in my life. I feel the same for him too. I want us to work together to achieve.
I guess I could consider that my relationship with Aaron held that same quality..... but how realistic are your dreams at age 16? My dreams with Tyler were all but forgotten. I was at too shaky of a time in my life to even remember to hold onto them. My dreams with Simon were held against me like some sort of threatening weapon. If I brought them up, he felt threatened and he was usually un-supportive.
With Jordan, I can achieve the things that I want AND have a relationship with him. We can seek the love we want at the same time as reaching for our dreams. I can learn to change, to be a better person, to consciously evolve, AND have the security of a learning, changing and loving partnership.
So.... It STARTS.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Life is possibility
Life is full of possibilities. To do anything that I please. This life of mine is truly amazing.
I am sitting outside in my backyard peering out at the clouds floating over Kimberley. Pure beauty. I am happy. This is happiness. Life is good.
Moving was the best choice I have made in the past four years. This is the beginning of something great for Jordan and I :)
I am sitting outside in my backyard peering out at the clouds floating over Kimberley. Pure beauty. I am happy. This is happiness. Life is good.
Moving was the best choice I have made in the past four years. This is the beginning of something great for Jordan and I :)
Friday, May 28, 2010
A moment. A moment. A moment.
"It is just a moment.... not the rest of your life."
This profoundly simple and true statement is what I want to live by.
If I remember this, I will be able to fully enjoy the good times and truly gain perspective and peace in the hard times.
This profoundly simple and true statement is what I want to live by.
If I remember this, I will be able to fully enjoy the good times and truly gain perspective and peace in the hard times.
Friday, May 14, 2010
This life
The outdoors has truly been a healing paradise for me the last few years. If I had never taken the outdoor adventure tourism diploma.... I don't really know what I would be doing right now. I am guessing that I would be feeling lost. I would be wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I know I would not be as progressed in my life path as I am now. I would still be floundering along, trying to figure out how to do the things I want to do, how to meet the mentors I need in my life... how to do just about anything right. But... I do know. I know. I know what I want, what I believe, who I admire, who I am. Thank you God, Universe, Earth that I have the beautiful outdoors to ground me. To show me who I am. To be my religion. Everyone needs their own spirituality. I get mine when I am on a hike, on a rock wall, on a frozen waterfall, on a glacier, on a mountain peak, in the lake water, in a tent..... or when I paint. Simple. Those things are my religion.
During the last few years I have learned a lot about myself. Some things I was surprised by. Other things were difficult for me to face. Most lessons built confidence in myself and trust in others; those lessons taught me leadership and love. I still have a million lessons to learn before I become the woman I envision for myself. I try to envision someone with more grace, more understanding, more assertiveness, more motivation, more humour, more positivity, more love. I try to envision myself as someone that I admire with my whole mind and heart. When I die, I hope to be that woman. When I die, I do not want to be left with any regrets. Nobody knows when they will die. I feel the urgency to understand that each moment could be my last.
Death has been on my mind lately. I have a close friend who is facing death everyday. Not in herself... but in her beautiful 9 month old daughter. Her daughter started out her life healthy. Slowly, then not so slowly, her tiny body has betrayed her. The disease in in her brain, specifically in her myelin sheaths. They are degenerating. The disease is officially called Krabbe syndrome. The disease is officially degenerative.
It breaks my heart to read the blog that my friend writes. She writes about her feelings, how her daughter is doing, how she herself is dealing with watching her baby fight to be alive. It breaks my heart every single day. It breaks my heart to read, but I force myself to do it. My friend is being brave when facing this reality. She is being positive and loving and strong. She is praying for a miracle. She is doing everything medicinally, emotionally, homeopathically and naturally possible to encourage a miracle. I don't know how she can be so very brave. I don't even know how to completely understand my own life yet, let alone, death. Especially the death of a child. I don't know what it is yet to create a child, nurture a child, carry my own child in my womb or my arms. My friend has done all of those things. Now she may have to face the possibility of a short (but very loved) life for her baby girl. If she can be brave.... then of course so can I. I am praying for a miracle for this little soul too, and for her mother.
Life deserves to be lived to the fullest. It is a gift, that does expire. You never know when it will be taken from you. As I watch my friend struggle with this fact, I am trying to not be selfish in my own life. Being selfish would be to forget how very lucky we all are to be alive. I need to remember the basic fact of life: we all die. We all die, so we must truly live every moment while we are still alive.
During the last few years I have learned a lot about myself. Some things I was surprised by. Other things were difficult for me to face. Most lessons built confidence in myself and trust in others; those lessons taught me leadership and love. I still have a million lessons to learn before I become the woman I envision for myself. I try to envision someone with more grace, more understanding, more assertiveness, more motivation, more humour, more positivity, more love. I try to envision myself as someone that I admire with my whole mind and heart. When I die, I hope to be that woman. When I die, I do not want to be left with any regrets. Nobody knows when they will die. I feel the urgency to understand that each moment could be my last.
Death has been on my mind lately. I have a close friend who is facing death everyday. Not in herself... but in her beautiful 9 month old daughter. Her daughter started out her life healthy. Slowly, then not so slowly, her tiny body has betrayed her. The disease in in her brain, specifically in her myelin sheaths. They are degenerating. The disease is officially called Krabbe syndrome. The disease is officially degenerative.
It breaks my heart to read the blog that my friend writes. She writes about her feelings, how her daughter is doing, how she herself is dealing with watching her baby fight to be alive. It breaks my heart every single day. It breaks my heart to read, but I force myself to do it. My friend is being brave when facing this reality. She is being positive and loving and strong. She is praying for a miracle. She is doing everything medicinally, emotionally, homeopathically and naturally possible to encourage a miracle. I don't know how she can be so very brave. I don't even know how to completely understand my own life yet, let alone, death. Especially the death of a child. I don't know what it is yet to create a child, nurture a child, carry my own child in my womb or my arms. My friend has done all of those things. Now she may have to face the possibility of a short (but very loved) life for her baby girl. If she can be brave.... then of course so can I. I am praying for a miracle for this little soul too, and for her mother.
Life deserves to be lived to the fullest. It is a gift, that does expire. You never know when it will be taken from you. As I watch my friend struggle with this fact, I am trying to not be selfish in my own life. Being selfish would be to forget how very lucky we all are to be alive. I need to remember the basic fact of life: we all die. We all die, so we must truly live every moment while we are still alive.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Settle me
Well, things have settled down. As usual. I don't like the roller coaster ride though.
I want to envision myself as a calm, stable, soft person.
Putting that vision to reality is very difficult for someone so dramatic.
Dramatic life equals a stressful life.
I love my life, but I want more serenity. I know I will find it one day soon.
I work towards it everyday. It is the everyday part that is difficult. My will power and self control have never been something that has come easy.
My luck has always come easy though. So have my inspiration, creativity, strength. I need to focus on those things.... they will help me to reach my goal of serenity and peace.
Meditation and yoga are on my mind constantly. But why can I not get myself to wake early to do them? It is difficult changing my entire body's rhythm. Rhythm.
Rhythm is what I need. I need a daily rhythm, starting with meditation, yoga, exercise and then some creativity.
In rhythm will I find peace. This is not a question, but a statement.
Keep going Kim. You will always find what you need. You are blessed. You are lucky. You have many talents to help you along the way and many friends to guide you.
I want to envision myself as a calm, stable, soft person.
Putting that vision to reality is very difficult for someone so dramatic.
Dramatic life equals a stressful life.
I love my life, but I want more serenity. I know I will find it one day soon.
I work towards it everyday. It is the everyday part that is difficult. My will power and self control have never been something that has come easy.
My luck has always come easy though. So have my inspiration, creativity, strength. I need to focus on those things.... they will help me to reach my goal of serenity and peace.
Meditation and yoga are on my mind constantly. But why can I not get myself to wake early to do them? It is difficult changing my entire body's rhythm. Rhythm.
Rhythm is what I need. I need a daily rhythm, starting with meditation, yoga, exercise and then some creativity.
In rhythm will I find peace. This is not a question, but a statement.
Keep going Kim. You will always find what you need. You are blessed. You are lucky. You have many talents to help you along the way and many friends to guide you.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Foot in Mouth Disease
I am learning to not put my foot in my mouth.
Airing my feelings is a good thing, but airing them too quickly, before I allow my mind and emotions to settle is not good. It is not the most intelligent thing I have done. So.... no more.
I am not going to allow myself to use this as a journal for my deepest frustrations. It is neither smart to do that, nor helpful. It only ends up in embarrassment and regret.
This is a blog for anyone to read.... not just me.
Kim... let this be a reminder to myself.
Airing my feelings is a good thing, but airing them too quickly, before I allow my mind and emotions to settle is not good. It is not the most intelligent thing I have done. So.... no more.
I am not going to allow myself to use this as a journal for my deepest frustrations. It is neither smart to do that, nor helpful. It only ends up in embarrassment and regret.
This is a blog for anyone to read.... not just me.
Kim... let this be a reminder to myself.
Monday, May 03, 2010
The Waiting Game
Here I sit, jacked up on coffee at 11:45pm. I am waiting.
I have written the outline for my presentation, but I must wait to give it. I will then wait to find out if I will be chosen to go to Tanzania, Africa. I am waiting for more adventure. I am waiting for the travel I so crave, but I will never be satisfied by more. The more I crave, the more I travel and then... my wanderlust craves even more.
I have called our new probable landlords to arrange a meeting. The times were not set in stone. I must call them again, and then talk to them. And then I will wait to find out if perhaps I will be lucky enough to sign a rent-to-own contract and potentially buy the tiny little house, with a perfect little location. I am waiting to have a place of my own. A place to grow fruit trees. A place to decorate, to paint in, to live in, to love in.
I have packed all of my fire fighting equipment. I am waiting on a call. I am waiting for the rain to stop and the forests to once again dry up. I am waiting for an unthinking person to throw their cigarette out of the window of their car. I am waiting for the sparks to light up the trees... and the red flames to blaze hot.
I sit here and wait. I wait for my eyes to become droopy, and my mind to become still. I sit here and wait to be tired. I wait to crawl into my bed, under the covers, snuggle with my cats and my lover, and succumb my world to the dreams in my subconscious. La la dream land seems inviting.
I am waiting, but learning patience... has always been something I have eagerly waited for but never grasped.
I have written the outline for my presentation, but I must wait to give it. I will then wait to find out if I will be chosen to go to Tanzania, Africa. I am waiting for more adventure. I am waiting for the travel I so crave, but I will never be satisfied by more. The more I crave, the more I travel and then... my wanderlust craves even more.
I have called our new probable landlords to arrange a meeting. The times were not set in stone. I must call them again, and then talk to them. And then I will wait to find out if perhaps I will be lucky enough to sign a rent-to-own contract and potentially buy the tiny little house, with a perfect little location. I am waiting to have a place of my own. A place to grow fruit trees. A place to decorate, to paint in, to live in, to love in.
I have packed all of my fire fighting equipment. I am waiting on a call. I am waiting for the rain to stop and the forests to once again dry up. I am waiting for an unthinking person to throw their cigarette out of the window of their car. I am waiting for the sparks to light up the trees... and the red flames to blaze hot.
I sit here and wait. I wait for my eyes to become droopy, and my mind to become still. I sit here and wait to be tired. I wait to crawl into my bed, under the covers, snuggle with my cats and my lover, and succumb my world to the dreams in my subconscious. La la dream land seems inviting.
I am waiting, but learning patience... has always been something I have eagerly waited for but never grasped.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Arrival, I think not.
I have been struggling back and forth lately with change. I LOVE change. Don't get me wrong, but in the chaotic middle of it... I sometimes have difficulty dealing. This is normal. I know this about myself. Adaptation does eventually happen, then my stress level decreases and I come to the same realization that change is oh so good. I was talking to my mom the other day about my struggle. She gives me great advice. One thing she said that really struck me was this: "Kim, you don't ever just arrive at life. You will never ever be at a perfect time." In my mind I have always known this... but this is something that I have frequently fought. All fists and no heart. Having this said to me has really put my life lately into clear perspective. Life is truly about the moments. I have felt this in my heart but ignored it during difficult times in my past. Moments are all that we really have as human beings. Moments of love. Moments of strife. Moments of happiness. Moments of success. Moments of failure. Moments of learning. I will pay attention to this lesson more so now. Thanks momma :)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Change
Change is happening again in my life. Good change. I am happy and ready. I am strong. I am stronger than I have ever been. This change will effect me in so many ways, and all for the better. I absolutely love Jordan... he is my change, he is part of me. We are a team. I live. I love. I live. I love. I love. I love....
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