Full Circle

I am back in Golden. Life is full of circles.... I have come full circle. Being back sofar has been incredible. It has also been a little lonely. I am meeting so many people that are happy, free-spirited and open.... but I miss the people who know me best. It is so strange to feel lonely when you are surrounded by friends. This is how I am feeling right now. There is something to be said of being around a person who knows you through and through... I miss that. I miss you my friends. I love you.

Sparkly

I was in the coffee house today. I was introduced to her. She looked at me and said "Wow... you are sparkly". I was not wearing anything with sparkles, no make-up... nothing shiny. But I knew exactly what she meant. I know that this is the difference between me and most people in this world. The fact that I am sparkly and full of life. I have always known I am sparkly. It is interesting to meet someone else who was able to see that right away. She must be sparkly too.

Such is life.

I have decided that I need to find out for myself.
I know you have changed. I could feel it when
I saw you last.
Rougher around the edges.... a bit of an asshole.
Why? You used to be such a sweet, respectful,
good person.
What made you so angry and arrogant.
Well, fear is what creates anger and insecurity
is what creates arrogance.
Are you those things?
I have been told that you are.
That you disrespect women. Look down on them.
That you are a sleazy man.
That is so sad.
You used to have the world in your hands.
So sad to lose a good person like you used to be.
We need less people like you are now in this world...
and more people like you were.
Sounds like all this time that I have been soul searching.
All this time that I have been becoming happier and
happier.
All this time that I have realized I love life....
You have maybe realized life is not as simple as you
thought it was.
Are you jaded?
Poor you. Don't be ridiculous.
You can't feel happy and respect yourself in the way that
you are acting.
You must feel empty.
Fill yourself up with party, fill yourself up with women.
It will still feel empty my dear.
Those things are empty.
Hopefully you remember who you are soon.... and work
to live a better life, before it is too late.

Alone

This creative burst of energy I have had lately is because I am without you. I am sorry to say it but it is true. I have allowed my creative juices to flow now that my sorrow in our relationship has ended. I can write again. I can paint again. I am alone again. I am happy to be alone. You are not. On the phone the other day you sounded so lonely and sad. It broke my heart. I do not want you to feel so alone and sad. I wish with everything inside of me that I could fix whatever was broken from the start in our relationship. I can not though. It is an impossible puzzle. We were taught that over and over again. I hope you had an amazing trip to Golden. I hope you had fun and felt your spirit revived and lifted. I hope you met a beautiful mountain town sprite and made love to her. It is what you need to get over me, to take your mind off of your alone-ness. Because I will never be your woman again. I will never feel the need to fill up your alone-ness again. I will always love you though. Always.

The important things I have learned today

- learn to say no ex: "No, I am sorry... but I do not want to do that" or "No, but I can not do that."
- do not let people walk on you. Tell them when you are hurt... but in a way that will make them feel safe and protect their self esteem
- a relationship will not work with "I" people.... only with "we" people. It is a team
- you must accomodate your partners needs to the best of your ability, if not... your partner will die inside and become sick outside
- every experience is a step towards my definition of success, which for me is knowledge and living a beautiful life full of happiness
- IQ increases with every experience that you have... with each experience you gain a new angle to look at and evaluate against
- if it is not courage or work... it is not love
- remember... the shiny peices in each person; those things are the reason that person is unique
- you will never know how much one comment or word can effect another person.... choose your words wisely... you will never be able to take them back
- communicating is an art... it takes practice; every single word has a different meaning to each person based on their life experiences and memories
- we have an incredible responsibility in being a human being
- everthing is seamless... it is all connected
- just be direct... don't tip toe around a situation because you are worried about hurting someones feelings; more feelings will get hurt in the end if you are dishonest
- lying is a mind fuck
- respect yourself enough to never ever cross the line of disrespecting someones person
- never ever point out a persons uniqueness as a fault
- sometimes you outgrow a friend and that is okay
- it is okay to not fix or keep working on it... letting go is a worthy process also
- you need to put out the kindness if you want to be surrounded by kind, gentle people
- fear is the opposite of love
- fear controls and is the reason for all war
- love beyond anger
- anger should never be the first response... always attempt understanding first
- "So what you are saying is that blah blah blah.... did I get that right?" "Is there more?" "That must make you feel blah blah blah"
- when you lose faith.... you lose your ability to see the truth
- each special thing you do unexpectedly for someone else helps them to keep hope

Imagine

I imagine you are so different
from the person you used to be
I imagine you are hardened
by another love lost, not by me
I imagine you might think
every once in a while about then
I imagine you might wish
we may create sparks once again
I imagine about the adventures
your life has lead so far
I imagine we reconnect
end this little mind war
I imagine I stop imagining
but I can't change my mind
I imagine I feel the passion
I long ago left behind

Painting makes me happy. Happy makes me painting :)

I thought I would put up some pictures of my art. Hope you all enjoy!


"Fishy Fishy"


"Salmon Run"


"The Circus"


"Visions of the West Coast Trail"


"Seashell"


"Rock and Roll Recycle"

Old letters

Old letters hold magic. I want that magic back. Maybe one day. Someone old or someone new. Either way... I am happy. I am lucky. I am beautiful... and I deserve the love that I want. I can also give the love that I want.

This road

I just wonder sometimes
If this is the road I am
Supposed to be on
I hope one day
It leads right back to you
When that day came that we parted
A new life for me started
But I still miss your smiling face
And the beauty in your eyes
I dream one day
That I will wake up and look back at you
Until then I am happy
Until then I am living
Until then I am fine
Maybe one day I will be even luckier
If that day comes
Then I will be ready

Am I made of rubber?

Well as the title says... I am wondering if I am actually some human-rubber hybrid. I always seem to bounce back from bad news quickley. Thanking my lucky stars for that. I am slowly getting used to the idea of living in Golden again for the next 10
months... and surprisingly.... I'm a lookin' and I'm a likin' (haha... Ben Stiller cracks me up). Any-hoo. Yes, the G-spot should be a good time. How can I stay angry when I will have a free pass to Kicking Horse Mountain Resort? As well, I will be getting a better education with the Adventure Tourism and Business Operations course in comparison to the Expedition course I was originally registered in. Sadly, there will be no travelling through the United States or Mexico. No mountain biking either. But all in all.... I can deal. This way I can keep focussing on my art and becoming a healthier person with yoga and nutrition. Hell, I might even be able to start a business with the training I will recieve? You never know what can happen. I re-learned that little bit of information a few days ago didn't I? Never will I forget. Life is always changing, to be happy... I just have to roll with the punches.