Stronger than I know

Almost everyone who has written to me about this forced life change I am dealing with, has said that I am strong. Even people I do not know well. They see something in me that at this moment, I am blind to. Slowly the foggy goggles will become clearer I am sure. Right at this moment.... it is difficult to have faith. I am afraid of it all. I am afraid of being single again. Before Simon... I was a happy single girl, full of life and mischief. Then I met Simon... and I was happy to give that up. Willing to give it up for the special way that I felt about this one truly special man. Before Simon, I didn't even think love would again be in the stars for me. I felt that I had already been given my chance(s). I was blessed twice. I didn't want to be greedy and keep asking for seconds (although, I was tempted to ask the night hip-hop came into my life; whole other story). True... I had my fair share of men who had fallen in love with ME before Simon. I had broken all of those hearts. Every single one. To this day I still feel guilty about Kaleb.... He was my passionate, scorpio, poet; obsessed with the stars above, with a heart begging to be filled up. He was madly in love with me... I just did not feel the same. I lead him on while I was trying to conjure up the feelings I so wanted to feel, in the end my facade was revealed. The poems he wrote to me are all I have left. Maybe now I am being punished for that? Regardless of the reasoning, the full circle has been run now and I don't want to run the single trail again. It scares me. It intimidates me. The idea of meeting other men does not entice me... despite the fact that I tend to only attract the most handsome men. The men other women go ga-ga for. Still not excited. There are too many variables.... too many what if's. What if I never meet the man of my dreams.... what if I am not the woman of any man's dreams. What if men don't even matter... what if I am meant to fall in love with a woman? The what if's at the end of a break-up are the scariest kind. Too open ended. I normally love risk and adventure... but right now I want comfort and familiarity. I miss his smell, I miss his voice, I miss his smile. There are many, many things that I do not miss also. I MUST remember those. I must also remember: I AM stronger than I know. My strength has maneuvered me between many obstacles, surprises, heartaches and heartbreaks before. Everything will be okay.