Challenge #6: Dream Girl

Throughout my life I have had extremely vivid dreams.  Each dream is another world in which I live for only moments.  My deepest subconscious comes alive nightly to tell me, remind me or warn me of concepts that could or already are impacting my life.

As you can guess.... I am of the belief that dreams have meaning.  I do not believe that the "random" firing of my neurotransmitters is necessarily random at all.  My dreams happen because my subconscious is trying to tell me something (be it:  past, present or future). 

Describing my dreams to others has usually been fascinating for both sender and receiver.  I am intrigued by my own mind and it's deep complexities.  As a whole, the closest way to explain the majority of my dreams is to look at a Dali painting.  Fantastical, strange, conceptual, confusing and unique..... these characteristics are at play in my mind during REM sleep.  I love sleeping, because my dreams are always a new, exciting surprise waiting to happen.

While on the topic of my dreams, I should mention one interesting recurring dream style that my mind frequents:  water.  I dream of water almost every single time I close my eyes (that I remember).  Water is present in some way, no matter what else is happening in my dream.  I dream of lakes, pools, the ocean, waves, swimming, fish, ponds, drowning, floating.... the list does not end.  Many times aqua is connected to the emotions I am experiencing in my dream.  For example:  if my emotions are angry and tumultuous, there may be large waves crashing around me.  If my emotion is calm and happy, I may be swimming in a warm, calm, soothing lake.

I do not know with certainty why I dream of water so often.  One of my theories is because I am a Pisces.  A water sign, with two swimming fish.  This may be one reason, but I do not think it is a full explanation.  With my environmental views, I do think of water often as well.  Water certainly is very important to me.  My body for one, is almost entirely composed of this precious molecule.  It is also the most abundant compound on this planet's surface.  The most important ingredient for the ability to have life on Earth; my preoccupation is definitely justified.  I feel these are only part of the explanation for my dreamy obsession.  Perhaps my conscious evolution will help me to decipher the rest of this H2O puzzle.

Lucid dreaming also entices me.  From a very young age I have been able to wake myself up while dreaming.  This happens while in the throes of a nightmare.  I remember suddenly in my terror, that I am only dreaming, and I realize I can consciously force my mind to wake my body up.  The process is difficult and seems to take a few minutes (although, it may only be a few seconds.... I will probably never know for sure).  I usually go through a period of waking, where I "awaken" only to find myself back in my dream.... and then I realize that I have not yet successfully woken myself up, so I must try again.  This normally happens about two or three times, but eventually I open my eyes and know that I have again truly awakened myself from slumber.  The nightmare is officially over at this point. 

I would like to learn to lucid dream during great dreams.... and to stay asleep during these times.  Sometimes, on rare occasions I have known that I am dreaming and I do choose to stay asleep.  I choose to try to change my dream into something of my conscious creation..... but so far, my attempts have been mostly unsuccessful.

I know one step to lucid dreaming is to look at your hands.  I have not yet remembered to look at my hands.  Maybe soon?  However, this challenge is less about lucid dreaming (although, it may evolve into that) and more about gaining insight.  I would like to track my dreams using a dream journal to have a clearer vision of their meanings.  The lessons behind my closed eyes.  I would like to see if writing my dreams on paper will help me to decipher with more ease.

During this challenge I will track my dreams for one month to start (I may choose later to extend this challenge).  During this time, I will write about my feelings and insights gained during this experience at least three more times.  I will also describe in detail at least four different dreams that I feel are particularly interesting or important (that I have during the challenge period).  I will probably also choose to describe some of my past dreams just for the sake of interest. 

I encourage my readers participation for this challenge!  I would absolutely love to hear your interpretations of my dreams.  New eyes and minds may be helpful to my conscious evolution, and I would appreciate any feedback.  Also, if you are moved to tell me about any of your dreams, I am a willing participant!  I love dreaming and I am very interested in other people's dreams too.  It is a doorway into another persons mind :)

Dream Girl, you start tomorrow morning!

Circular Lessons

These lessons are circular
Of all I know
Round they go
Circular lessons
Surround my soul
Of all I know
Of this I sew
Circular, circular
A round-a-bout trip
Round I go
Around I slip
Slip and Fall
Around I go
I feel small
And all I know
Are these circular lessons
I never learn
Seasons change
Around I turn
Spinning, spinning
Of all I know
These circular lessons
Around I go
These lessons are circular
And all I know
This is my life
I know, I know

Secondary Benefit

One noticeable benefit I have found from my conscious evolution is that I have unwittingly progressed through personal challenges and goals that I have wanted to achieve or learn from for years.  These are things that I did not write about or intentionally seek within my conscious evolution.  Subconsciously I must be searching and in my current time I am finding.  My journey to learn more about myself, to express these desires and my ultimate findings of more life light, has helped me in more ways than each personal challenge can explain.  I am enjoying this secondary benefit.  I thought I might share one of my experiences of this unintentional evolution.  

I took a leap of faith and set out recently to a music festival on Texada Island called Diversity Festival.  It was small and intimate and full of kind faces.  I loved being able to truly connect with people that I frequently saw.  The festival was large enough to feel exciting, but small enough to encourage deep conversation and opening.  

I have always wanted to vend at a festival, so this year I did it.  I did not sell many of my beautiful headpieces (that I created with ethically sourced non-cruelty feathers).... but I did experience four days of enjoyment.  This festival had one stage for instrumental bands, musicians and another for electronic music.  The music was definitely delightful.  I have a memory of looking up into the sky, awash with Northern lights.... music playing in the background; Caitlin hoola-hooping near me on the beach.  Some memories you know will stay with you forever.

The festival also focused strongly on workshops to help people learn new skills and connect with each other.  I really enjoyed participating in African dance, improvised singing, African drumming and stilt walking.  Some of the other workshops included were:  improvised hip-hop freestyle, movement and dance, ribbon acrobatics, introduction to quantum mechanics, train-wreck avoidance (referring to mistakes while mixing beats electronically), yoga, and living foods nutrition.  I was vending, so I was unable to participate in all of the workshops, but I watched many from my tent (which was luckily located directly beside a stage).

One of my favorite experiences from this festival was the blessing/opening ceremony performed by some local First Nations of Texada Island.  Everyone was encouraged to get involved in the dances.  In one song, we chose a specific animal (wolf, eagle or orca) and each animal had a certain look and dance.  When the animal sound was called, you ran onto the dance floor to act out your chosen animal story.  It was fun, there was a lot of laughing.

The festival was successful in a non-monetary way.... which is definitely the best way possible.

Today I Write

 I love to write.

I love to truly express my feelings through my words.  When I describe exactly what I feel.... with no inhibitions, I feel internal release and freedom.  I have been missing that freedom lately.  Perhaps this is why I have taken so long to write about my conscious evolution?

Today I write with no obligation to my conscious evolution.  That in itself, is an eternal process, and despite my lack of immediate time to put forth into this chosen path; I do constantly imagine future challenges that will infuse my life with more light.  This blog however, has nothing to do with my conscious evolution.

Pure artistic expression and release.  Does every human being have this need?  Art in my eyes is not only a painting on a wall.  Each person is unique.  Art to me is expression...... don't we all need to express?       

The past is a curious subject.  Lately, thinking of my past has caused me much pain and also much happiness.  I do not like to live in my past, but I do think about both fond and traumatic memories often.  Sometimes more often than I believe is healthy.  This does not hinder my present, but sometimes I wish the movie in my mind would end.  If only I could truly live in each moment or, if I could experience chosen memory loss.   Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; one of my favorite movies.... there is a reason I like it so much and identify with the main characters.     

I actually began writing this post almost a month ago.  One month ago I ended with the paragraph above.... speaking of my former life.  I must have sensed that my past would soon emerge into my present life.   

My past recently has come to visit me.  First through an old friend, and more recently through a past love.  This resurgence interests me.  Why all at once?  Maybe to give myself a chance to right my wrongs, to feel closure.... to know that everyone is okay and on the right path in life?  I certainly do appreciate this gift from the universe.  Knowing one of my closest childhood friends is doing absolutely amazing things makes me so happy.  It also feels good to know that the man whom I shared my longest love relationship, is doing very well and seems happy.  I have worried about him.  We had a very tumultuous relationship.  It caused a lot of pain for both of us.  We learned many lessons.... but I never felt satisfied with the lack of closure the last time we saw each other.  Thankfully, I believe I have that now.

Many of my favorite past memories are dreamy, illusionary concepts of time now gone and often missed.  I still dream of a time when I played "one, two, three, tree" in the middle of the night.  I still do think of days when I stayed up late writing silly, salacious notes, trying to express with all of my heart how I felt inside; despite the fact that I had no comparison to the intense emotions I was so suddenly lucky to know.  I remember walking home late, always.  I remember the amazement at how even the shadows in the streetlights imitated the masculine and feminine forms.  I felt very feminine in those years.... I still do feel very feminine, just stronger.  I do feel envious of a time when I felt so sure about love that I couldn't even imagine any other way of being.  I have not again ran around in a golf course intoxicated.  At this point in my life, I am not sure that I would do that again.  I still have a love for umbrella shaped trees.... they hide secrets.  I do wonder if that life for me was even real, or if over the years, I have imagined my feelings to be more intense than they actually were.

I have tried to erase those memories.  I burnt letters, drawings, pictures and a time when love was something I believed was everything that was needed.  When I did this two years ago I thought I was letting go forever.  I wanted to start new love with lightness.  I wanted to forget, but now I know I was only solidifying my life path and destiny.  Burning did not make me forget.  I am okay with that.  I am glad that I have my past to tell me who I am today.  I am glad that I have my life now.  I am one very blessed soul to have liven everything I have.  The people in my life, past and present have always been my teachers.

My lessons in love and friendship have made the most impact.  That.... I will not ever forget.  

Cleanse Me: Challenge # 5

I have not had a chance to write lately about my conscious evolution.  Even though I have not written, I have put a lot of  time into thinking about this topic.  Thinking is as important as doing.  In the past few months I have had many ideas for change and certain ideas that I would like to investigate more deeply.  Soon I will begin a new challenge.  This post however, is about a challenge that I started and completed about a month back....

My body was in need of a cleanse.  I could feel it.  My joints have been bothering me for a few years, my mind has been cloudy, and I have constantly felt stuffed up.  After eating nutritionally void camp food all winter, I decided it was time. 

In the past, I have only attempted to cleanse my body once (about five years ago).  This first cleansing experience was absolutely terrible.  I had no idea what I was getting into.  I chose to try a quick twenty-four hour full body cleanse.  Big mistake!  This cleanse consisted of four pills and a salty liquid, that was so disgusting I could barely choke it down.  Within only a few hours of beginning the cleanse, my stomach started to seriously ache.  Then, within five hours of the cleanse, my stomach started to swell.  It just kept getting larger.  It actually looked like I was about five months pregnant; no lie.  It was both disturbing and hilarious.  Until this experience, I did not think it was possible for my stomach to look so huge, so fast.  The pain was nearly unbearable.  After rolling around in agony and laughter for quite some time, my "relief" finally came.... quite suddenly.  I will only say this:  I spent four hours straight in the bathroom.  Toilet paper starts to feel about as soft as a rock after only half an hour.....

Justifiably, after this horrific experience... cleansing has terrified me.  I have avoided it, despite the benefits toted by natural health professionals.  Luckily, in the last year I have become good friends with two very knowledgeable women.  My friend Ella is a genius when it comes to nutrition.  She is currently taking courses to become a nutritionist, and she works at an organic grocery store.  My sweetheart's sister Caitlin, is training to become a herbalist and she is like a little cleansing herb encyclopedia.  With both their positive opinions of body cleansing, I was encouraged enough to attempt a cleanse again.

I chose to do the "Wild Rose" cleanse.  This cleanse is a twelve day full body detox which takes diet into account.  It was easy to follow, with a cookbook full of tasty, nutritional meals to help the cleansing process.  When I was preparing for the cleanse I felt very nervous that I would constantly feel hungry.  I have a huge appetite.  I actually eat more than Jordan who is one hundred and ninety pounds.  To ease my fears, I bought way more food than what was necessary.  I felt prepared with full cupboards, but nervous that I would give into my cravings.  Surprisingly, for the most part I felt very satisfied and full...... except for my cheese cravings (those were monstrous).

Overall, the experience was positive.  My body felt clean near the end of the twelve days and my mind felt clear.  I would definitely do a cleanse again.  Next time I may create my own cleanse, with the help of Ella and Caitlin's knowledge.  I believe in a deep connection between mind and body, and including a cleanse in my conscious evolution has been beneficial

Positives of my experience:

• near the end of the cleanse, my joint pain completely disappeared
• the food kept me full (despite my doubts)
• the food was very flavorful (despite my doubts) 
• I feel proud that I stuck to my cleanse foods (except for a few minor cheats)
• I realized that I don't need to eat as much dairy as I currently do
• I was allowed to eat as much fish as I wanted during the cleanse (and have incorporated this into my current eating habits)
• the cleanse reminded me to drink much more water
• Jordan and I did this cleanse together, so it made the entire process easier and more fun
• my fear of cleansing has completely abated
• I was allowed to drink as much herbal tea as I wanted :)
• my addiction to bread and wheat has definitely decreased
• my awareness of what I put into my body has deepened

Negatives of my experience:  

• I experienced joint pain (more than normal), some headaches and and nausea at the beginning of the cleanse (this is normal for most cleanses)
• I experienced some severe cravings for dairy products
• I did not ease myself into my regular foods after the cleanse, so I have experienced some return of side effects (like joint pain - this is also normal)
• my energy level took a big dive and I feel that the allotted animal protein was insufficient for my activity level
• climbing a multi-pitch climb with such a small amount of protein, made the climb feel more tiring that it would have been normally (I would never combine a multi-pitch climb and a body cleanse ever again)

Bumble bee

Life has been overwhelmingly busy.  Too much has, is and will be happening for me.  Even a few moments of reflection (to decide upon which challenge I will face next), has been difficult to find.  I am sorry for this delay.... but I promise to begin a new challenge as soon as it is possible in my life :)

Delve Deep

I leave tomorrow morning for one last work contract.  I thought I was already finished for the season, but a contract suddenly materialized this afternoon.  The opportunity is excellent and I can not turn it down.  This one contract will completely pay for mine and Jordan's Burning Man trip (minus the tickets that we already own). 

I have three ideas for my next challenge.  All are equally important in my life.  Each is on a deeper level than my previous challenges.  These ideas all address certain insecurities of mine.  While I am gone, I am going to choose my new challenge.  I will start it upon my return.   

I feel ready to delve deeper in my spiritual quest.  This will help me to truly face myself and help me to make some big life changes.  Until now, I have not felt it was the right time.  I feel nervous about getting so deep on my public blog.  This is essentially an open journal of my thoughts and feelings. 

When I decided to start these challenges, I wanted to have someone.... anyone, to answer to.  That is why I chose to write about my experiences publicly.  I may not be answering to anyone specific, but having readers allows me to feel like I have to stay true to what I write.  It keeps me honest.  Otherwise, it would be so easy for me to forget about these challenges and why I do them. 

At the beginning of this conscious evolution, I vowed to be brutally honest in my writing.  Still, the thought of people reading about my deepest insecurities or negative traits, really frightens me.  I have to remember that being completely open is a really good trait.  It doesn't matter if others disagree or think negatively of me or my life.  My learning and my honesty are what counts. 

I am preparing to take these challenges to the next level.  Fear and excitement mix inside of me.  I know I will learn more about myself than I thought possible.  Stay tuned.  

 

Many Small Lessons

Ideas listed on:  January 18 & February 11

As a whole, I felt successful in this challenge.  Sure, I sometimes forgot to write in my journal.  Yes, it did slip my mind to use my left hand to brush my teeth......on more than a few occasions.  There were several days when I forgot entirely to use both hands (particularly in the first month).  Despite all of this, I learned a ton; learning is the epitome of what my challenges are about.

While learning to become ambidextrous, I was reminded that new habits require time to start.  Habits then take even more time to follow through with.  It took me almost a full month to remember to use my left hand, then it took another full month of patience to feel comfortable. Once I was completely immersed in the challenge, I again began to forget all about it (especially in the last week and a half).  It was all very up and down, but I liked it.

I enjoyed this challenge a lot!  I actually noticed a slight feeling of panic, two weeks into my second month (extended challenge). I could see an end in sight, and I feared the end.  I love to experience new learning curves and see my progression.  My panic was because I did not want the exciting feelings to end.  Relief was felt when I thought of the other challenges that I would like to experience.  I also decided that: if during any challenge I would like my progress to extend, I have permission to make this happen.  Allowance for extensions makes allowance for growth.    

In the last month I noticed a habit that really surprised me.  I naturally use my left hand to gesture when I speak.  When I say this, I mean that I use it astronomically more so than my right hand.  This was a habit I would never have noticed otherwise.  Since this challenge required me to be much more aware of my hand use, I was able to see this clearly.  I have no idea why I do this.  When I Googled the subject, I could not find a clear answer.  The right side of the brain controls creativity (and the left side of the body), so possibly this may play a part?  If anyone has any idea why I gesture more with my left hand, I would love to hear from you.

"I Am Blessed With Two Hands" is now finished.  I feel satisfied with this experience and the many small lessons I have learned.  The progression I saw during the past two months has renewed my enthusiasm completely in this journey to consciously evolve.  Much philosophical pondering has come from my challenges thus far. 

Soon I will be choosing a new challenge.  I have many ideas but nothing has jumped out at me yet.  One thing I know for sure:  my next challenge will be inspired by someone I love.  My friends and family are full of admirable characteristics and interesting knowledge.  I am so lucky :)  All of my recent challenge ideas have been in response to what I love in the people I care about.  I would like to honor someone with my next challenge. 

People inspire people.

Day 1:  Writing with my left hand

Last week:  Writing with my left hand

Fire Inside

Written:  January 16, 2011

I have again realized the power of breaking down my goals into small achievable bits.  Using my left hand has reminded me that my eternal conscious evolution follows it's slow winding path, one small step at a time. 

I have written down goals and dreams for myself (and consciously ran after them) for as long as I can remember.  Truly.  More than once I have written a list of what I want to achieve in my entire life.

Some of these goals I have since reassessed or decided were not truly what I wanted.  Some goals were completely unachievable altogether.  I believe anyone can do anything...... but not everything.  At certain points in my life, I have tried to do everything. 

My adoration for learning and life make it difficult to choose only a few things that I want to do, see, experience, achieve or excel at.  As an example of this; some of my over the top life goals I made at age 15: 

• become a professional snowboarder in by age 20
• start a band and become famous with at least 1 song hit
• become a veterinarian and animal biologist..... and human psychologist
• have children amidst all of this by age 23
• be married (ha!)
• write a novel
• retire as a millionaire by age 35
• travel to every continent before I retire......
• and the impossible list goes on

Unrealistic?  Why, yes of course. It is a wonderful thing to dream big and to believe in yourself, but it is another thing to way overestimate your abilities and set yourself up for failure.  The above goals are all worthy individually.  They are all achievable.... if I chose a few.  An extremely talented person may be able to achieve quite a few of those things, but I wanted to achieve ALL of those things..... and quickly!!

With age, comes self growth.  With growth, comes understanding.  With understanding, comes wisdom.  I did not have to age much older than 15 to realize that some of my goals were completely unachievable, and that I needed to decide upon only a few major experiences for my entire lifetime.  These experiences needed to incorporate my core values, beliefs and needs.  Smaller, less intense goals could be included, but the focus on my chosen life dreams was to remain. 

My core goals and dreams were decided years ago.  Much contemplation and self reflection has helped me to settle on a few important aspects for my life.  Several life goals have now been accomplished.  Some are in the midst of being accomplished.  Others are adventures awaiting for my future self.

An incomplete insight of my more literal and concrete goals (decided upon about 5 years ago):

• Go to school for something I love (I have a diploma in Adventure Tourism Business Operations.  I would also like to get a degree as an art teacher so I am currently researching my options without leaving this town I have chosen as a home.)
• Meet an excellent partner match for my personality, beliefs and values (I met Jordan.)
• Become and entrepreneur (I am planning and working, to open my art studio in this town I love.)
• Become closer with family (My family and I are closer than ever and I am now close with Jordan's family too.)
• Be more involved in the outdoor community and adventure pursuits (I climb, hike, camp, ice-climb, kayak, swim, canoe, ski, snowboard AND I have met good friends who do all of these and more...)
• Travel the world (I have traveled a bit, but I definitely want to do more.  Maybe an around the world trip will happen soon.....)
• Buy a home (Currently in the works.)
• Have more adventures (Check!! Examples:  Shambhala, a group plan for a canoe/camp/climb trip through the Slocan Valley in mid August, I am going to Burning Man this summer, my fear of heights is improving due to climbing and cliff jumping....etc.  I am grateful for the incredible friends I have met who also seek adventure..... my eyes open more every day.)
• Become more aware of world issues and environmental situations (Yes.... and learning is constant.)
• Open a sustainable community (I am currently writing a manual for a non-profit sustainable community; more on this topic at a different time.)
• Make art a larger part of my life (Yes, yes, yes..... clearly.  Painting is my true meditation.)
• Make a difference to the environment, animals and people (I do many small things, but I am working on bigger things.  I want and need to do more.)
• Find a really tight core group of amazing people as friends who value love, trust and similar ideals (I thought this would be the most difficult, but I have found those people in Kimberley.... and I feel truly blessed.)
• Get and train a dog (Definitely not yet the right time in my life.)
• Have children (Although I yearn for this....see above.)
• Learn to budget and rid myself of debt (First part check; second part.... almost there.)
• Regularly do yoga (Hopefully this summer.  I recently met the yoga teacher of my dreams.  She is absolutely incredible.  When I am home from work I attend on Tuesdays, but I am not yet home enough to consider this goal accomplished.)
• Teach people something that I love (Art teacher and studio.  I am currently working on my correspondence TESOL course with Jordan.)
• Learn to garden (My very first garden was planted last year and I seasonally work at a greenhouse during the summers.)
• Learn more about health and nutrition (Yes, but it is continuous.... and I am lucky to have some very knowledgeable friends.)
• Photography and documentary film making (These are loves yet to be truly pursued.)
• Learn a specific dance and a martial art (Maybe this summer I will try belly dancing and Tai-chi.)
• Self awareness..... (THIS is what these challenges are all about.)
• And the list goes on......

The giant list above only touches slightly upon my life goals.  Despite the large number of goals, they have all been thought through and assessed.  They are all achievable for me.  Combined, I can still do them all.  

To some extent my conscious evolution incorporates bits and pieces of some of my dreams, goals and ideals that I wish to incorporate into my life.  However, some challenges include parts of goals that I actually decided were not worthy.  Although I may have decided my energy could be spent in other more meaningful ways, those forgotten goals are still at the back of my mind.  Including my long lost goals (as mini-challenges) satisfies my need for variety.  In a way, it allows me to finish, what I believed I could accomplish when I was young and naive. 

My ambidexterity challenge is one of those long lost life goals.  As a child I thought it would be great to use both hands efficiently. Like many of my earlier goals, I decided that this idea was really not important enough for me to use as a life goal.  I thought the learning experience could be valuable enough though for a short term challenge.  So, a life of ambidexterity was re-born into a conscious 2 month challenge.   

This challenge has shown me how difficult it can be to accomplish something very tiny.  Creating new habits and brain paths takes much longer than expected.  Even now, after almost two months, I have to actively engage my brain to use my left hand and to write in my journal.   And... I still do not always remember.

I learned my lesson long ago about setting realistic life goals, but it doesn't hurt to have a reminder once in a while. In such a short amount of time, seeing my writing go from almost unreadable to very neat and tidy......  is one of the best reminders I have had in years. This tiny accomplishment in the past few months, has given me great appreciation for the hard work I have put into achieving my larger life dreams.  It makes me feel proud of where I am in this moment.   

The best lesson revealed to me from focusing on one small goal at a time (rather than everything all at once) is that progress can be seen.  It is concrete.  Seeing my own progress boosts my confidence and creates a sense of independence.  It also encourages my belief that I have the ability to do even bigger and more interesting things.  It creates a fire inside of me to reach for more.

Action breeds motivation.

Indefinite Learning Curve

Written:  January 14, 2011

Most of all.... above all else.... my latest challenge has reminded me of my excitement for learning in life.

Learning to use two hands may not seem like such an exciting feat to many.  It may even seem ridiculous and insignificant.... but, in my life this challenge has meaning.  It has sparked my already keen thirst for knowledge.

I have ALWAYS loved to learn ANYTHING.  I love to learn as much as I can.  Learning is my lifeline.  My deep yearning for knowledge and wisdom have brought me through some of my bitterest, saddest and most confusing times.

This challenge has reminded me of my need to be engrossed in some form of learning.  Indefinitely.