Not Quite Grasping On

My month of ambidexterity is coming to a close. I am blogging about this experience for the very first time, despite my rule to write once per week. I mainly have not written due to lack of time in the busy holiday season. Another fair reason (for my lack of self control) is that I really did not have a lot to report. Excuses.... excuses. They don't really mean a lot, but they do ease my guilt slightly :)

I have already decided to extend my challenge for one more month. This challenge was a lot of fun. I truly enjoyed it. Despite the enjoyment, it was easily forgettable. Remembering to use my left hand for normal daily activities happened on a minimal basis, so this challenge will stay in effect until February tenth. I anticipated and predicted the actual use of my left hand to be my strongest challenge but I was wrong. Memory was actually my biggest nemesis during this challenge. I would only describe multiple hand use as feeling slightly awkward.

Writing in my journal daily (using my left hand) was the task I forgot most often. Actually, to be more accurate, I believe I subconsciously avoided and resisted this task. The few times I wrote a paragraph using my left hand, the process was painfully slow. Although, in only a few short days I did notice a drastic improvement. The readability and speed of my writing was distinguishably much better each time. Imagine if I had written for the full 30 days, like I was supposed to! I fully intend to do this from now on.

During this challenge, when I remembered to use my left hand, I felt a feeling of alertness. I swear I could almost feel my brain thinking each time I used my left hand to write in my journal, brush my teeth or use the computer. I also noticed a feeling of resistance towards myself each time I practiced, but tasks did became much easier as time went on. The feeling of resistance faded with each day. The regular multi-hand use became more and more natural as the month passed.

One task I attempted with my left hand surprised me. I used chopsticks! I expected this to be fairly difficult and humorous, but I was delighted to learn that I really had no difficulty at all. I believe my previous experiences of multi-hand use (when I worked at Kicking Horse) encouraged my mind to be more used to a slight level of ambidexterity. I would say this challenge seems more natural to my body than I expected.

Something troubling to note, is the changes in my speech pattern. I have always somewhat stuttered or mixed up my words. I tend to think much faster than words can escape my mouth, and sometimes my sentences get scattered all about. Many times, when I tell a story, I get so excited that gibberish comes out and the unlucky assailant of my verbal mess quickly loses interest in what I tried to say. This is the obvious reason why I like to write my words. Everything in my mind can be slowed down, reviewed and explained in the way that I intended it. To my dismay, I have noticed an increase in my frustrating verbal experiences since the beginning of this challenge.

The research I did before this challenge indicated that speech issues (such as dyslexia and stuttering) can be associated more often with ambidextrous people. Even though multi-hand use exercises the brain more evenly, the mind becomes confused when speech is involved. I am a little concerned about this, but I do not think another month of left hand use is really going to make a huge difference. I still believe the benefits of ambidexterity outweigh the negatives. Even if I do sound like a jabbering fool ;) In the future I may even learn to counteract my speech mishaps, using another challenge. Possibilities are endless!

On a general basis, I have learned that daily life interferes with my challenges. I allow all of the noise in my mind (and life) to overshadow these valuable learning experiences. Perhaps my next challenge should focus on this specific aspect? This intuitive and natural progression of my challenge choices is something I feel makes sense in my journey to consciously evolve.

Starting each challenge is the fun part.... following through with each challenge IS the challenge. I am determined to follow through with my multi-hand use for the next month, and to post my experiences regularly.

CHALLENGE #4: I Am Blessed With Two Hands

I see with two eyes. I listen with two ears. I walk with both legs. I write with only one hand.

To me, this unbalance indicates that there is a part of my brain that could be exercised more. I am going to learn to become more multi-handed, with an ultimate goal to become ambidextrous. My right hand is dominant to my left hand. This challenge will require me to increase my left hand usage.

A quick Google on the subject listed some very famous people who were thought to be ambidextrous or extremely multi-handed. Michelangelo created his genius inventions and art with both hands. Leonardo Da Vinci created his masterpieces' with two mitts. Ludwig Van Beethoven predictably played the piano with both hands. Hippocrates, Plato and Einstein were all reported to exercise both brain hemispheres by the use of their upper limbs. If you research ambidextrous athletes, many more known names are listed too.

I learned that only one percent of the world's population are naturally ambidextrous. This small percentage of people were born with both hands equally dominant. However, it is possible to learn ambidexterity even if you were not born with the gift.

Yes, in my opinion, I feel that being ambidextrous is a gift. It is an unique skill that I would like to gain. I believe it can be very beneficial.

Some benefits I found were:

• increased athletic ability
• an easier ability to recall the content of an event
• improved left brain and right brain integration
• tasks can be done more efficiently
• a reduced risk of carpal tunnel syndrome
• an increased ability to read other people
• a better ability to see both sides of a situation

Not all scientists believe ambidexterity is a benefit. Some studies indicate that dyslexia and language difficulties are more common among the naturally ambidextrous population. Other studies even show difficulty conceiving and increased cancers in people who use both hands regularly.

I take ALL the studies with a grain of salt. I do not know the details of those studies, like: whether there was an adequate control group, or how long the people were studied, or if there were multiple or singular studies conducted. I do not take ANYTHING from Google as fact. To me, it is all theory, and anyone can put information on the Internet, whether they have credentials and proven knowledge..... or not.

I personally would like to become ambidextrous because it intrigues me. I know humans do not use the full potential of their brain. I feel it is obvious here to state: if I begin using my left hand nearly as much as my right hand, new pathways and connections in my brain will be created. I can not see a true disadvantage to using more of my brain. I hope it will help me to become more evolved and maybe bestow some of the benefits I listed (and others I do not know about).

I mentioned some very admirable creators, philosophers and artists as being reportedly ambidextrous. All of them were highly intelligent and talented. Is it conceivable that their ambidexterity was an aid in their genius? Can I potentially increase my intelligence by learning to become multi-handed? Hey, I might as well try. If anything, it will be a fun challenge.

The rules of this challenge are as follows:

1. I will write at least one paragraph per day in my journal using my left hand.
2. I will be aware of daily tasks (ex: brushing my teeth) and attempt to use my left hand for everything I normally do with my right hand (exception: work paperwork..... I don't think my boss would be impressed if my reports looked like they were written by a first grader).
3. I will blog about this experience once per week.
4. As a start, I will maintain this challenge for one month (until January 5th, 2011). After one month I will re-evaluate whether I would like to go further with this challenge.

Try, try, one day.....

So my challenge "Try, try, again" just never happened.

I literally did not even attempt it. Here is my excuse:

I began night shifts as soon as I started my job in Northern, B.C. Night shift was expected, but not the length of time. I have now been on night shifts for almost an entire month. Being a vampire has messed with my body schedule and any attempt at this challenge seemed like too much effort. I admit it... it was too much, particularly with so little proper rest.

One day I will once again attempt this challenge, but for now it will be left waiting.

Before I re-attempt this challenge I am going to drastically reduce the amount of tasks listed and review the entire challenge. I do not want to keep setting myself up for failure. Although, I do not feel that failure is necessarily a bad thing, this challenge has become my nemesis and I would love to conquer it. Proving to myself that I can do it has become the evolution of this challenge. Third time's the charm right?

Recently, I have been doing something rather interesting here in camp. I have started using my left hand to do more day-to-day tasks. It seems to help my brain stay more alert.

This is something I did years ago when I worked as a day-lodge cashier at Kicking Horse Mountain Resort. I was utterly bored to pieces standing there ringing people through the register.... so I began to use my left hand to do all of the transactions. I did this experiment for about 2 months of the season. Ever since, I have noticed that I use my left hand much more often than before. It took a very short amount of time for my brain to build pathways for left hand usage.

I have decided that becoming ambidextrous will be my next challenge.

Challenge #3: Try Try Again.

I am leaving on the 7th of November for my new job in Northern, BC. Long hours, boring days and less that ideal circumstances are what I expect. I know this, because I have done this job before. I am not exactly excited, but I feel this is necessary.


I must stay positive. This small winter sacrifice could make all the difference in my dream to become a business owner. Jordan and I may be able to buy a home once this is finished. Much of our gear will be bought, and a large chunk of our dreaded student loans will be payed back. Jordan and I are working together to make these dreams happen. We are a team in this, and I know we can do it.

I have re-assessing my last challenge ("A Morning Rhythm"). I tried to do everything in a short amount of time before I left for work. Considering the fact that I was attempting to build a vast amount of new habits in coorelation with getting up early..... I have realized that challenge was unrealistic. I needed more time to allow my self to learn the rhythm, before I could gain momentum in it. Once I have a bit of a routine going I am sure that I would be able to get everything done quicker and smoother. However, I never actually got to that stage of the challenge.

At my new job, I know that I will be working for 12 hours straight. During those 12 hours, I will basically just be sitting around waiting for anyone to get injured. I have decided that I may as well attempt my "morning routine" challenge again.... minus the morning part. I believe that I will be able to finish the tasks throughout the entire day. This way, I won't feel the pressure of time constraints. No time constraints will make my adaptation to the habits much easier. I believe it will benefit me greatly. Eventually I would still like to do the routine in my morning, but allowing myself to slowly work up to that, will help me be more successful. Rather than jumping in to new territory with my eyes closed, I will have glimpsed what is in front of me.

All rules of the challenge will remain the same, minus the morning part. I will not always have access to a computer at my job..... but I will be sure to write in my journal and eventually transfer that to my blog space.


This new challenge commences on my first day of work (probably around November 10th). I will "Try Try Again" and see what happens. Wish me luck :)

Balance

I am quitting my latest challenge. Well, more realistically, I am putting it on hold.

I recently got a new job up in Northern British Columbia. I will be gone for most of the winter, but of course we are keeping our place here in Kimberley. Kimberley, my literal namesake, is my home. My mother must have had a vision of the future when she decided to name me after the little bavarian town that she liked.

I will be working with Jordan. This is the opportunity that Jordan and I have been visualizing and hoping for since we graduated from the ATBO program. It is going to allow us to pay off our student loans, save for a home/business and buy the rest of our needed outdoor gear for our chosen eventual professions (guiding). The gear is essential to the outdoor skills we need to practice in order to succeed in the adventure tourism industry. The rest is freedom. I feel really happy and blessed to have this opportunity!

Unfortunately, I have had a massive list of things that I need to get in order before I leave on November 7th. I have been trying to juggle working almost every day (at my two jobs) with preparing my home, pets and life for this change. To attempt to keep this challenge up while I am doing everything else, has been quite literally exhausting. I just do not have the extra energy.

I am okay with this choice. I know I will attempt this challenge again and I will succeed. I knew this challenge would be difficult for me, but with the added stress of this big lifestyle change I am facing, it feels nearly impossible. I have chosen to fail.

I recently read a great analogy about failure. It described that failure is just as perfect as success, because everything is equal. Everything needs balance. I am looking at my failure in this challenge as an important part of my learning process. My quest to consciously evolve will include both failure and success. Both will teach me something great. Both failure and success are important and necessary.

Coming Along Slowly

My challenge has not went as expected. I knew this challenge would be more difficult than the last, but I did not realize to the extent that it would be.

On the first morning, I initially woke up early enough to achieve the challenge, however... I pressed the snooze button three times. Of course, I ended up being rushed and did not finish all of the challenge segments. That morning I pretty much half-assed the challenge. I also tried to do the challenge by memory, without double checking everything on the list. It did not work well.

I learned not to break my first rule of the challenge. Getting up with sufficient time to do all of my tasks is key. I also found out that attempting two tasks at once is close to impossible for my concentration. I learned that trying to list off what I feel grateful for while at the same time that I am washing the dishes, does not allow me to truly feel each thought. I can not put energy into each thought unless I am focused strictly on that one idea. From now on, I am going to do each task individually. As well, I am going to write what I am grateful for in my journal as an alternative to just thinking it.

I found meditation extremely difficult. I tried to focus on my heart (based on a specific meditation I am attempting). I could stay focused for a few seconds at most... and then my mind would wander to the noises happening all over the house, to random thoughts, or to what I had to do that day. Hopefully, by the end of this challenge I will have improved on the skill of meditation. I want to gain insight into meditation practice. By the end of this challenge my goal is to stay focused for at least one minute. This lesson in concentration is huge and I feel it is important to my conscious evolution.

The second morning of my challenge, I was awoken at three am by a very distressed and upset man. Jordan needed to talk. He was feeling lonely, homesick, and his job situation was not as he expected. We talked for about and hour. It was good to talk to him, despite the very early morning call... and I was able to calm him down and help him to feel more positive. After the phone call I tried to get back to sleep for what seemed like ages. My mind kept racing about different environmental issues and some of my beliefs and values surrounding those. Jordan and I frequently discuss these topics and we talked about them that morning. Once I finally fell back asleep, there was no way that I was going to drag myself out of bed to do my routine! I felt slightly guilty during that day, but I was too tired to really care.

My third morning was much more of a success. It was helpful that I did not have to work until one in the afternoon. I was able to get everything on my list finished, minus the meditation and daily kindness... which I completely forgot. I put more effort into each task than I did on the first day and I did not feel rushed at all.

Important to note is that on the third morning, I learned that I need to give myself more leniency regarding how my schedule is laid out. I do not feel that I have to follow it step-by-step, as long as I still do each task. Rhythm is important, but obsession just adds unnecessary stress. I am still learning what rhythm will help me most in my life, and what schedule order I feel most successful....... and happy. More happiness is the ultimate goal here. A morning rhythm to help keep my mind and body healthy is one part on the road to a more spiritual life.

Today is my day off. I am going rock-climbing during the day and then to a rave party with twelve dj's playing tonight. Last night I went to see some live music and then some friends and I headed to the bar to dance. I do not drink alcohol often, and this occasion was not special... so there was no indulgence; but I am a little groggy from the late night. I expect to be tired tomorrow morning after two late nights in a row, but I am determined to do every task on my morning rhythm list regardless.

Challenge # 2: A Morning Rhythm

For a long time now I have felt that I needed more rhythm in my life. Currently I lack a stable morning routine to start my day off on the right foot. To combat this, I originally toyed with the idea of a challenge based on "becoming a morning person". After much deliberation, discussion and well.... procrastination, I have realized I have been seeking the schedule more than the early morning wake-up call.

At a later date, I still feel that I would like to learn to get up early in the morning. In the present though, I am going to focus on gaining some morning stability with a concrete habit of rhythm. This morning rhythm will be a great prelude if I ever do decide to go ahead with an early morning wake-up time.

The perfect time for this schedule plan has just presented itself. Jordan, my sweetheart, has left for work up in Northern British Columbia. He left early this morning and will be gone for an entire month. I will miss him dearly. While I am not excited about him leaving, I do feel that I will be more successful in this new challenge with only myself to focus on. By the time Jordan returns, I hope to have this morning routine ingrained as a new habit. I would like to keep adding to this schedule once I have a basic rhythm established

This challenge is going to be difficult. I know this, as attempting to gain a morning routine is something I have tried and failed at many times before. I believe this is my time to prove to myself that I can do it. I hope to not only gain confidence and more willpower, but health benefits also. I have incorporated both mind and body exercises into this challenge to strengthen my person.

Due to the nature of this challenge, I am still required to get up earlier than my usual allotted time to get ready for work.... but I will not have to get up so early that my body schedule is completely upside down. I am not going to require myself to get up at any specific time each day, but I will require that I give myself sufficient time to complete my morning routine, without feeling rushed.

Morning Schedule:

- get up with sufficient time
- make my bed, make a fire, open blinds, drink a glass of water
- do push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups
- stretch or practice some yoga
- meditate
- shower, get dressed, hygiene, etc.
- make breakfast and lunch
- while I am eating, write my day to do list and decide on my "daily kindness"
- brush teeth, drink a glass of water
- wash dishes and while I do this, think/feel what I am grateful for in my relationship, in my life and also something special that I truly appreciate about Jordan
- take care of my pets and plants needs
- visualize my day and my life
- write in my journal, track my cycle and emotions
- leave for work

Specific Details About the Routine:

* I am guessing to allow for sufficient time for this schedule I must wake up about two to three hours before I have to be at work
* The push-ups, sit-ups and pull-ups serve the purpose of improving my climbing ability as well as warming up and waking up my body for stretching
* I may stretch, meditate and do yoga using any tools that I feel are necessary (ex: books, cd, video, etc.)
* A daily kindness is as it sounds. I want to fit in the ability to do something kind for someone else daily. The idea is a "pay-it-forward" philosophy.

Week 1: October 13th to 19th
- 10 push-ups, 20 sit-ups, 3 pull-ups
- stretch/yoga 10 minutes
- meditate for 5 minutes

Week 2: October 20th - 26th
- 15 push-ups, 25 sit-ups, 6 pull-ups
- stretch/yoga 15 minutes
- meditate for 5 minutes

Week 3: October 27th - November 2nd
- 22 push-ups, 30 sit-ups, 9 pull-ups
- stretch/yoga 20 minutes
- meditate for 10 minutes

Week 4: October 3rd - November 9th
- 30 push-ups, 40 sit-ups, 12 pull-ups
- stretch/yoga 25 minutes
- meditate for 10 minutes

Challenge Rules:

1. I will write about my experiences, thoughts and feelings of this challenge at least once per week.
2. I will compile a list of the "daily kindness'" that I do and publish them at the end of the challenge.
3. This challenge will be completed every day that I work. I am not required to do this routine on my days off. However, this only applies to two days off per week. For any reason that I have more than two days off per week, I must still only take two days off from this routine.
4. I will write about my visualizations at least twice during this challenge, but I do not feel that I am obligated to list them all for everyone to see. Being honest does not require me to publish my deepest wishes and dreams. I may decide to, but this decision will be at my own discretion.
5. Today I must write myself a list of my life visualizations today to prepare for the start of this challenge tomorrow morning.
6. Establishing this routine will be required for the next four weeks.

Decisions Decisions

I have been trying to decide how to attack my new challenge idea. I was originally going to start waking up at 5am. I have always envied morning people.

My idea was to ease my body into a morning schedule through a 4-6 week period. Each week I would rise and shine early for more days during that week than the one before, to eventually be waking up 5 days per week.

I discussed this idea with some friends of mine, and all of them think I need to re-think this challenge. One friend, who is very health conscious and well read in this subject told me that from a health stand-point, between 6 and 7 am is the best time to get up in the morning for a happy body. She believes this challenge could do more harm than good.

I may choose an easier and different challenge within the next couple of days and then move onto becoming a morning person at a later date, once I have researched this subject fully.

Learned and Lessoned

With only a few days left of my challenge, I am starting to reflect on the short time I have lived without the daily aid of my mirror image.

This challenge has given me more perspective than I imagined it would. I have learned a few solid lessons and I have gained more courage to continue on with deeper and more difficult challenges in the future.

This challenge has made me feel strong in a strange sense of the word. I did not doubt my ability to be without mirrors, but I feel proud of this tiny feat none the less. The lessons I have taken from this have proven to me that challenging myself in these small ways, is the right path for my own spiritual awakening and conscious evolution. I have gained some confidence, and calming my vanity has also begun to calm my spirit and mind. I can not explain these small changes, as I do not entirely understand them... I just know that challenging myself feels like the right thing to do.

Not looking in the mirror was more difficult than I anticipated. I struggled at first. Soon, I started to notice that my need to look at myself wained. My addiction began to cure. I had slip ups, and accidents and outright defiance's of my own rules, but my learning was in the entire process.

I truly have realized that I can feel beautiful without the safety net of the visual sight of myself. Beauty of course is on the inside and any amount of peering into a reflection will never, ever change this. I know this all seems to be common sense... and I did know all this logically before hand, but this challenge tested my perception and proved me both wrong and right. I now intrinsically FEEL this wisdom within me, inside of me.

My challenge comes to an end in 3 days (including today). I have toyed with the idea of extending the challenge to see what else I could gain from it, but in the end: I feel that I have already gained the wisdom that I was seeking from this great life lesson. I may revisit this challenge for a longer period of time in the future, but for now, I will put it to rest.

I am excited to see what I choose as my next challenge and to see what I learn and how I will be surprised.

An addiction of the vain

My experience so far with this challenge has been surprising and more difficult than I anticipated. Until now, I have not realized how much I actually do look at myself in any mirror or reflective surface. It embarrasses me to admit this, but I promised to be completely honest when recapping my challenge experiences.

Day one of the challenge was relatively easy because it was so new. In the morning I did my usual routine. Once I was dressed, polished and looking satisfactory... I blew a little kiss goodbye to my mirror image. I then turned around all of the mirrors in my house. That day I did catch myself peeking in mirrors on several occasions. Each time, once I realized that I was breaking one of the challenge rules, I internally scolded myself. It felt like a little addiction I needed to break. An addiction of vanity. Not a big deal right?

Day two was drastically more difficult. The reason being that I woke up with a giant cold sore! I admittedly looked in the mirror intentionally but sneakily at the same time. I was almost attempting to hide my purposeful dismissal, of my own rules, from myself. It felt somewhat bizzare and cheap. Not looking in the mirror to see if my cold sore had grown to the size of a small tumor was almost physically painful. The times when I did look in the mirror, I felt immediate guilt.

Day three was a little better. In the morning, I did take a few glimpses at my cold sore, and I also put on mascara while looking in the mirror... but I scolded myself after (despite the fact that I did it knowingly and intentionally). Jordan asked me if I looked in the mirror almost immediately after I walked out of the bathroom and I quickly lied with a firm "no." As soon as I did this guilt forced me to look him in the eyes and tell the truth. I said "actually, yes." He started to laugh and replied: "Oh, you were going to lie to me?" in a teasing tone. The truth is... I was lying to myself more than to Jordan. After this little incident I then decided to be more true to my challenge for the rest of that day. As I stepped outside to my car that morning, I almost looked in the glass reflection of the drivers side door. Luckily I caught myself in time. The interesting part about this is: when I turned my head to the side, in order to avoid my reflection, I noticed some beautiful cloud formations in the sky. I would have missed that beautiful view otherwise. It makes me wonder, what other beautiful sights I have missed in my life while I was too busy staring at myself? I think this realization was a breakthrough.

Day four went well. It feels like my vanity addiction is starting to be broken. It is definitely getting easier to avoid my reflection. I am noticing much quicker each time I attempt a sneak peak. I did catch myself fluffing my hair while using the shadow of myself on the wall as a visual cue last night, but a small breach of my challenge in comparison to two days before. This morning I have not been nearly as tempted to look in the mirror. I am guessing day five will go smoothly. Unless of course a new shipment of clothing has come into my workplace. I may be tempted to try the new threads on, in front of one of the many mirrors in the shop.

All in all, this challenge has been quite an interesting experiment. I have already learned that I am more vain than I originally thought. Maybe, deep down, I already knew this.... and chose this as my first challenge to expose myself?

CHALLENGE # ONE: A test of vanity

I do not consider myself a particularly vain person. I take only about half an hour to get ready for the day (this excludes eating but includes a shower). I do not find myself prancing around in front of a mirror making different cliche poses to see which pose is sexier. I prefer to go out on a hike than to the bar (although I absolutely love to dance to live music), out on a climb rather than shopping and I would rather paint a pretty picture than put makeup all over my face.

However, I do find that anytime I enter a room with a mirror I do a quick check to see if I look nice and when I go into a bathroom without a mirror, I feel slightly disconcerted and miffed. I do like to wear form fitting clothing, jewelry and a bit of mascara. I do very admittedly like to feel pretty.

So, the question is: how vain am I really? How easily can I live without a mirror to aid me in my quick morning routine, to reassure me with an image of myself daily?

Of course, I have been on long hikes and outdoor trips without the daily advantage and vain enablement of a mirror. These hikes though were far from the society that I live in day to day. Far from my friends, work place, town and day to day life.

A true test of my vanity would be to remove mirrors from my life entirely (within reason) for a set amount of time. This is exactly what I am going to do. How vain am I really? How will the absence of a mirror affect my daily life? What lessons about myself and society will I learn... if any? Here are my rules and guidelines for this challenge:

1. This challenge is to last a total of 14 days starting tomorrow, September 8th, 2010.
2. I must cover or turn the mirrors around in my own home and not undo this until my challenge time is achieved. I will also not look intentionally or directly into a reflective surface in my home.
3. At work, other peoples homes, businesses, etc. I must not look directly and intentionally into a mirror or reflective surface. This may be difficult, but I must avoid looking to be truthful to this challenge. If I am driving, I of course will still look into the mirrors... this is a safety issue and I am not going to compromise my safety. However, I can easily avoid maintaining longer than needed glances in the vehicle mirrors.
4. I must refrain from asking others for their opinions of what I look like. For example: "Does my hair look okay?" This is not something that I normally do, but in the absence of a mirror I may be tempted to have visual approval as a safety net.
5. I will write at least twice of my thoughts and experiences during this challenge.

Starting over: A NEW ERA

My life has come to a point in which I desperately need change. I am somewhat happy. Somewhat successful. Somewhat loving. Somewhat free. Somewhat me. I don't know when I went from a free-spirited, loving, open and passionate young woman to a slightly jaded, emotional wreck, hiding from middle age. Of course, this is all relative. I do not seem the latter. But inside, I know I need to reach a sense of myself again. I need a connection that I have been missing with ME. I am what is missing in the equation. Somehow, I have let mere existence and the rig-a-ma-roll of survival in our silly society take ME out of me. She hasn't been missing for long, but I deeply miss her passionate face, and I am determined to find her again.

So, the start of a new era of conscious evolution prevails. It prevails in my mind and my heart. I am to start this soon. Perhaps today? I am planning with a keen enthusiasm. Who wouldn't be enthused when it comes to oneself?

This will start off with a series of challenges that I may find difficult... or that I have wanted to accomplish for many years. Some may seem silly, trivial, vain or superficial. Some may seem utterly pointless. Some may seem incredibly difficult or very simple. Some may seem worthy of the cause. What they seem does not really matter at all. For me there is a reason for each and every one. I will try to explain those reasons in prose, even if only for myself to read.

I will also be brutally honest from now on in my blog. When did I decide that I cared so much about what anybody else thought? This feeling of trying to please snuck up on me. I don't like to admit it, but a level of censorship has been used and abused in my writing within the last few years. I have not lied of course, but I have tended to leave out any bad feelings or thoughts. Well, not anymore. I want to remember who I am and how I feel for all of it... not just the pretty pieces of life.

Now, I do not think a series of challenges given to myself is going to make me suddenly realize something about myself and I will suddenly be a different person. Though, I do think some of the lessons I learn will help me to feel solid on my own two feet again. Independence in challenge will feed me some confidence and wisdom.

It came to my attention this morning that the major life lessons I have learned and the most change that my life has given me until now has always been at the end of a relationship. When love inevitably (or so it felt) broke my heart in the past, I was a changed person by circumstance. Not changed by choice. Inside I would fight the changes and then eventually give into them when I could not hold onto that love anymore or when it just plain failed.

I have been blessed to have several men fall in love with me and me with several men. But until now, I have not been determined to hold on and weather all the ups and downs of an adult partnership. I thought I was determined at certain points. I certainly felt determined, but my lack of understanding until this point held me back. I was madly in love with Aaron, but our immaturity just could not handle any amount of true stess on the love that we held between us. I thought I was in love with Dan, but I lied. I am quite sure that he lied also. I was in love with Tyler, but his straight and narrow life did not combine with mine, which was all over the map. Simon. Well, THAT relationship was disasterous. Need I say more. We did love. And we did hate. That pretty much sums it up.

Jordan and I love each other. We have had our fair share of struggles. However, an intense yearning to learn more about love itself keeps us together. Having similar dreams of our future, sharing an appreciation of nature, discussing our similar values and our regular choices for the fun things we do in our spare time help to solidify our bond. Jordan is the first person I have been with who truly wants to help me achieve everything I have ever wanted in my life. I feel the same for him too. I want us to work together to achieve.

I guess I could consider that my relationship with Aaron held that same quality..... but how realistic are your dreams at age 16? My dreams with Tyler were all but forgotten. I was at too shaky of a time in my life to even remember to hold onto them. My dreams with Simon were held against me like some sort of threatening weapon. If I brought them up, he felt threatened and he was usually un-supportive.

With Jordan, I can achieve the things that I want AND have a relationship with him. We can seek the love we want at the same time as reaching for our dreams. I can learn to change, to be a better person, to consciously evolve, AND have the security of a learning, changing and loving partnership.

So.... It STARTS.

Life is possibility

Life is full of possibilities. To do anything that I please. This life of mine is truly amazing.

I am sitting outside in my backyard peering out at the clouds floating over Kimberley. Pure beauty. I am happy. This is happiness. Life is good.

Moving was the best choice I have made in the past four years. This is the beginning of something great for Jordan and I :)

A moment. A moment. A moment.

"It is just a moment.... not the rest of your life."

This profoundly simple and true statement is what I want to live by.

If I remember this, I will be able to fully enjoy the good times and truly gain perspective and peace in the hard times.

This life

The outdoors has truly been a healing paradise for me the last few years. If I had never taken the outdoor adventure tourism diploma.... I don't really know what I would be doing right now. I am guessing that I would be feeling lost. I would be wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I know I would not be as progressed in my life path as I am now. I would still be floundering along, trying to figure out how to do the things I want to do, how to meet the mentors I need in my life... how to do just about anything right. But... I do know. I know. I know what I want, what I believe, who I admire, who I am. Thank you God, Universe, Earth that I have the beautiful outdoors to ground me. To show me who I am. To be my religion. Everyone needs their own spirituality. I get mine when I am on a hike, on a rock wall, on a frozen waterfall, on a glacier, on a mountain peak, in the lake water, in a tent..... or when I paint. Simple. Those things are my religion.

During the last few years I have learned a lot about myself. Some things I was surprised by. Other things were difficult for me to face. Most lessons built confidence in myself and trust in others; those lessons taught me leadership and love. I still have a million lessons to learn before I become the woman I envision for myself. I try to envision someone with more grace, more understanding, more assertiveness, more motivation, more humour, more positivity, more love. I try to envision myself as someone that I admire with my whole mind and heart. When I die, I hope to be that woman. When I die, I do not want to be left with any regrets. Nobody knows when they will die. I feel the urgency to understand that each moment could be my last.

Death has been on my mind lately. I have a close friend who is facing death everyday. Not in herself... but in her beautiful 9 month old daughter. Her daughter started out her life healthy. Slowly, then not so slowly, her tiny body has betrayed her. The disease in in her brain, specifically in her myelin sheaths. They are degenerating. The disease is officially called Krabbe syndrome. The disease is officially degenerative.

It breaks my heart to read the blog that my friend writes. She writes about her feelings, how her daughter is doing, how she herself is dealing with watching her baby fight to be alive. It breaks my heart every single day. It breaks my heart to read, but I force myself to do it. My friend is being brave when facing this reality. She is being positive and loving and strong. She is praying for a miracle. She is doing everything medicinally, emotionally, homeopathically and naturally possible to encourage a miracle. I don't know how she can be so very brave. I don't even know how to completely understand my own life yet, let alone, death. Especially the death of a child. I don't know what it is yet to create a child, nurture a child, carry my own child in my womb or my arms. My friend has done all of those things. Now she may have to face the possibility of a short (but very loved) life for her baby girl. If she can be brave.... then of course so can I. I am praying for a miracle for this little soul too, and for her mother.

Life deserves to be lived to the fullest. It is a gift, that does expire. You never know when it will be taken from you. As I watch my friend struggle with this fact, I am trying to not be selfish in my own life. Being selfish would be to forget how very lucky we all are to be alive. I need to remember the basic fact of life: we all die. We all die, so we must truly live every moment while we are still alive.

Settle me

Well, things have settled down. As usual. I don't like the roller coaster ride though.

I want to envision myself as a calm, stable, soft person.

Putting that vision to reality is very difficult for someone so dramatic.

Dramatic life equals a stressful life.

I love my life, but I want more serenity. I know I will find it one day soon.

I work towards it everyday. It is the everyday part that is difficult. My will power and self control have never been something that has come easy.

My luck has always come easy though. So have my inspiration, creativity, strength. I need to focus on those things.... they will help me to reach my goal of serenity and peace.

Meditation and yoga are on my mind constantly. But why can I not get myself to wake early to do them? It is difficult changing my entire body's rhythm. Rhythm.

Rhythm is what I need. I need a daily rhythm, starting with meditation, yoga, exercise and then some creativity.

In rhythm will I find peace. This is not a question, but a statement.

Keep going Kim. You will always find what you need. You are blessed. You are lucky. You have many talents to help you along the way and many friends to guide you.

Foot in Mouth Disease

I am learning to not put my foot in my mouth.

Airing my feelings is a good thing, but airing them too quickly, before I allow my mind and emotions to settle is not good. It is not the most intelligent thing I have done. So.... no more.

I am not going to allow myself to use this as a journal for my deepest frustrations. It is neither smart to do that, nor helpful. It only ends up in embarrassment and regret.

This is a blog for anyone to read.... not just me.

Kim... let this be a reminder to myself.

The Waiting Game

Here I sit, jacked up on coffee at 11:45pm. I am waiting.

I have written the outline for my presentation, but I must wait to give it. I will then wait to find out if I will be chosen to go to Tanzania, Africa. I am waiting for more adventure. I am waiting for the travel I so crave, but I will never be satisfied by more. The more I crave, the more I travel and then... my wanderlust craves even more.

I have called our new probable landlords to arrange a meeting. The times were not set in stone. I must call them again, and then talk to them. And then I will wait to find out if perhaps I will be lucky enough to sign a rent-to-own contract and potentially buy the tiny little house, with a perfect little location. I am waiting to have a place of my own. A place to grow fruit trees. A place to decorate, to paint in, to live in, to love in.

I have packed all of my fire fighting equipment. I am waiting on a call. I am waiting for the rain to stop and the forests to once again dry up. I am waiting for an unthinking person to throw their cigarette out of the window of their car. I am waiting for the sparks to light up the trees... and the red flames to blaze hot.

I sit here and wait. I wait for my eyes to become droopy, and my mind to become still. I sit here and wait to be tired. I wait to crawl into my bed, under the covers, snuggle with my cats and my lover, and succumb my world to the dreams in my subconscious. La la dream land seems inviting.

I am waiting, but learning patience... has always been something I have eagerly waited for but never grasped.

Arrival, I think not.

I have been struggling back and forth lately with change. I LOVE change. Don't get me wrong, but in the chaotic middle of it... I sometimes have difficulty dealing. This is normal. I know this about myself. Adaptation does eventually happen, then my stress level decreases and I come to the same realization that change is oh so good. I was talking to my mom the other day about my struggle. She gives me great advice. One thing she said that really struck me was this: "Kim, you don't ever just arrive at life. You will never ever be at a perfect time." In my mind I have always known this... but this is something that I have frequently fought. All fists and no heart. Having this said to me has really put my life lately into clear perspective. Life is truly about the moments. I have felt this in my heart but ignored it during difficult times in my past. Moments are all that we really have as human beings. Moments of love. Moments of strife. Moments of happiness. Moments of success. Moments of failure. Moments of learning. I will pay attention to this lesson more so now. Thanks momma :)

Change

Change is happening again in my life. Good change. I am happy and ready. I am strong. I am stronger than I have ever been. This change will effect me in so many ways, and all for the better. I absolutely love Jordan... he is my change, he is part of me. We are a team. I live. I love. I live. I love. I love. I love....

Past

Some people need to leave their past in the past.

Love, love.... love is all you need.

I love Jordan. He has been gone for 3 days on the ice-climbing trip. I have been too sick to go. Having Jordan gone really reminds me of all the little things that I love him for.

I stepped on a small shard of glass. When I tried to get it out with a pair of tweezers and was having a lot of difficulty. Jordan has taken out difficult slivers for me in the past. This little act made me think of him.

I had some weirdo show up at my home hammered. I was frightened and had to be firm and tell him to go away. After I was nervous to go to bed. If Jordan had been here, I would have felt safer.

I finished a large portion of one of my paintings. I really wanted to show Jordan, and have him share in my pride and excitement. But he wasn't here to see it yet.

So many things are taken for granted. When Jordan gets home, I am going to try to not take those things for granted as much. Life happens in a blink. I need to be more grateful for everything in my life.

xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The healing power of the outdoors

If everyone could be outside in nature for only a small amount of time each day, the world would be a much happier place. The great outdoors has a healing power I have found nowhere else (except maybe in a hug). These past 2 years, my life has changed dramatically. I feel blessed and happy and optimistic. So much of these feelings is due to spending more and more time outdoors, doing the things that I love. Who knew that I would regularly be ice climbing?! It is crazy the way life can change in such a short amount of time.