Dreaming Then: March 25, 2010
I have been haunting my past recently. I tend to do this when change is calling my name. This is a poem from a very long time ago. It is so interesting to read poetry from the past and understand something now in the present, what my heart and subconscious knew then, but were fighting ferociously.
In the night I sleep
I see my dreams
More vivid then when I awake
I see my dreams
Of the dreams I dream
During each monotonous day
The dreams I dream
Come true once again
Each dusk when the moon wakes
When I lay in my bed
My sweet dreams come to a head
And my world's sun re-awakes
Once my eyes shut closed
I reopen them in surprise
And under my dreams disguise
I become the person I have said
Each night when I sleep
When I lay down my head
I dream of tomorrow once again
Until the dawn calls my name
My sweet dreams remain
More vivid then when I awake
I dream of my dreams
of the beliefs that I believe
And I dream myself away
to the dreams I see
Each night when my mind wakes
One Moment To Share: March 13, 2010
I wrote a similar version to this entry while I was in Nicaragua. This entry has been re-written to fit my current feelings towards my life and the changes I have been bestowed. The feelings are slightly altered, but the moment stays true to Nicaragua.
Change and adventure are ever-guiding forces in my life. I am so grateful and blessed for the wisdom, knowledge and LOVE that change has continuously brought to me.
Cotton candy and coconut sky.
Dissipate before my eye.
Metamorphosize my stagnant soul.
Before this life takes its toll.
Today beauty has graced my soul... again. Only hours ago I witnessed the most beautiful cloud formation I have ever seen. I was mesmerized. I wanted to hold my breath, make a wish and watch the magic forever. I wanted to keep it forever; that feeling. That feeling of awe.....
Round, fluffy, cotton candy pink clouds sat, layered upon layer of stormy blue and grey. The clouds enveloped the entire sky with their soft purity. One perfect and lucky opening was framed by these visions. An opening to the heavens; to the universe. This opening flashed intermittently with far off lightning. The flashes of lighting were birth and death; they branched into the tree of life. Every time one of the branches tickled a fluffy cloud neighbor, the cloud was warmed with a surreal, glowing amber. I am sure this is the colour of love. The colour of love..... the creation of love. I wanted to touch it. Taste it. That love, that life... that beauty. Beauty is life. Beauty is love.
Until this experience I did not know clouds could look so perfect. I did not know clouds could be the key to my soul. I never considered the possibility. These clouds, for a moment were able to explain everything I have ever questioned, wondered, struggled against or faced. This happens with every perfect moment I have been blessed with in my life. I do not understand how desperately I need that moment until the moment happens. Once the moment passes I contemplate, I try to learn and finally gratitude fills me to my core. Gratitude for the beautiful moment.
Thoughts of getting my camera to take a forever moment, were ignored during this blessing. I was afraid that if I tore my eyes away for one second... the clouds would disappear. I was afraid that moment would dissipate and leave me empty. My fear was in vain, for despite my loyal watch, the clouds DID dissipate before my eye. Gone was my cotton candy and coconut sky. Gone was the most beautiful thing I had ever witnessed in my life..... up until that moment.
Moments disappear, whether I desperately grasp onto them or not. Life is never stagnant. However, they do leave behind residuals. They leave me with a feeling, a memory and possibly a lesson. I understand the metaphor those clouds hold in my current life. I can not force each beautiful moment to stay around forever. Eventually it must come to an end; circumstances must and will CHANGE. I must learn to accept this... and I am.
All I can do is feel lucky to have experienced that moment once. I can show my gratitude. I can hope and pray I will be blessed again with one of life's wonders. If I keep my senses open to the universe, I will be blessed with beauty again soon. For beauty is life. Beauty is love. Beauty happens daily in moments.
The Truthful Truth: February 25, 2010
It is not difficult to summon images of truth, when another puts those vivid images in your head. Those descriptive words were said to the girl. He... the sun, described to the silly girl, the type of woman he wanted to love. In her desperate prose, the girl wrote as if those words were her own. However, the girl did not materialize this idea from thin air nor from her own creative mind. It was the sun who shone light on the woman he would grace with his love. The girl, was not deserving of this amazing man`s beautiful heart. A WOMAN was worthy. That woman will gently hold his heart for eternity, with free flowing hands. She will learn and grow more beautiful each day because HER heart is held within the sun`s fingers also. She the woman, has his love. She, the silly girl.... is still searching. The girl is still grasping at the sun... that wonderful man, screaming and crying and showing her LACK of self-discipline, grace and maturity. The silly girl has lost what she never really won.
A Time of Change: February 2, 2010
Graduating from this incredible program is a great feeling... but this feeling is also mixed with sadness. In a specialty program such Adventure Tourism Business Operations, the class sizes are small and the experiences are big. I have spent so much time with every single class mate of mine, that I feel like we are an oddball mismatched family full of love. You truly get to know many of each person's likes, dislikes, quirks, annoyances, histories, dreams and life stories. Our class has been very close. There have definitely been differences, judgement and conflicts, but that will happen in any group. I have learned that it is a normal part of any team situation. In the end, we all love each other.
A course that combines a vast amount of outdoor adventure and experience really brings people together and teaches conflict resolution, confidence, leadership, friendship and unity. It is unexplainable to anyone who has not had this experience... and completely understandable to anyone who has had a similar experience.
How can you not get to know the people you have spent so many days and nights with? Together... we have backpacked through the spectacular BC mountains. We have learned skills from the best teachers in the world. We have encouraged and consoled when someone couldn't reach their goal or could go no farther. We have criss-crossed each others' fresh pow lines. We have trusted our lives to others. We have laughed. We have kayaked over the ocean and down rivers and then over rapids. We have taken leaps of faith. We have fought and made up. We have woken up too early and went to bed too late. We have been afraid and faced our fears. We have felt the flow experience. We have cheered on our friends. We have granite and crack climbed. We have been amazed by animals and plants. We have listened to loud snoring in the night. We have eaten ichi-ban and bagels too many times. We have joked and learned to appreciate unique senses of humor. We have seen our friends be injured and then recover. We have been humbled. We have loved the weather. We have hated the weather. We have walked on glaciers. We have danced through boulder fields. We have laughed. We have cried. We have come to appreciate our differences. We have shivered and sweat in unison. We have hugged. We have learned. We have felt each others' joy and happiness. We have stressed over final exams and projects. We have surprised ourselves and each other. We have laughed some more. We have frozen our asses off. We have stuck axes in tall waterfalls. We have shared our stories. We have reached our goals. We have banded together in times of need. We have bullshitted around countless fires. We have built quincies and slept in them. We have canoed through a valley. We have camped in beautiful settings. We have helped one another. We have been poor in monetary ways. We have made lifelong memories and lifelong friends. We have been full of excitement and adrenaline. We have seen each other cry or cried ourselves. We have purposefully or accidentally farted. We have presented project after project. We have bounced ideas back and forth. We have drank much too much alcohol for one night. We have tried to be honest when something was not acceptable. We have felt miniscule in the vast expanse of the world and the universe. We have peaked mountain tops. We have followed behind and lead in front of. We have witnessed some of the most spectacular scenery that nature has to offer. We have been lucky and blessed.
For me, one word stands out in this all. Together. We were together through it all. I will miss each person so very much. But, change always comes and I welcome it with an open heart. We graduated on the night of a full moon. A full moon signifies a time of change. It couldn't have been more fitting. I say Goodbye to an inspiring time of my life full of amazing life lessons, people and experience. I say hello to whatever else I will be lucky enough to experience next.
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