It seems my life has experienced much heart break. A difficult time, a difficult thing to face. Difficult to focus. Difficult to wrap my head around it. Difficult, oh... so difficult... to admit, that I am not in love with the love of my life. It is true. I am heartbroken, and yet it seems that I should not be. But I am. When you dream of having children with someone; dream of climbing mountains; dream of travelling; dream of a life.... a very long life with another's face, voice, body and love.... heartbreak hits you hard. Even if you are the one who has chosen this pain.
I am the one who has chosen.... and now I reap the consequences. Jordan's middle sister, who I adore, did not invite me to her birthday. All of my friends were there, and I sat at home alone. She chose this. She did not want me there. She has abandoned me, and I never, ever thought she would. She had said she would always want me in my life, no matter what. She put that idea in my mind and I believed her. You shouldn't have complete faith in what anyone says. Even worse, the face that I have loved and still love is broken. He is broken, although I know he will bounce back quickley. Right now though, it is difficult to face him and look into his eyes. How can you fall out of love? I still love, but at the same time I do not. This eternal question discourages me and makes me question my own beliefs and morals.
We tried to work on it. We tried for a long time. Our relationship sucked. There was a rocky start to it that never seemed to end. To much baggage and too many curve balls. Too many obstacles with too little maturity. It moved too fast, with never a second to think or space to breath. I didn't feel like myself. I did not feel happy. I wanted to feel happy, but most of the time, I really just wanted out. We suddenly became aware of how hard we needed to try. It was not a surprise to me, but it was a surprise to him. He began to try so very hard. He loves me a lot. I had the intention to try, and then I realized, that I really did not want to do it anymore. I was done. I am done with it. No more. I need to focus on what I want. I need to be selfish. I ONLY LIVE ONCE. I can not lie to myself anymore. This is not unfair of me to want to fulfill my own destiny.
God, I tried to have a good life with Jordan. I really, really wanted and intended to have a great life with him. We fell in love hard and we fell in love fast, and that whirlwind never stopped spinning. It sucked us in and never seemed to spit us out. I felt trapped in everything that was so terrible and so wonderful. Much of the time was great.... but much of the time was filled with frustration, sorrow, exasperation, resentment and ultimately depression. How can you ignore that to just keep on trying? I was tired of ignoring my gutt. I was tired of ignoring my mind and heart. I was tired of seeing all of my friends and them thinking that we were so very happy together. After my last relationship disaster, I said I would absolutely never ignore myself again. Well, never say never, because I lied.
I am who I am. I can not change that, and why the hell would I? I am ready for something new in my life. I am ready for change... conscious evolution. I am ready for my life to be mine and only mine. I am ready to find true love, as long as I can still be me. I am ready to face my truth. I am scared and sad and happy and excited. I am courageous, and really, nothing is stopping me now. I want to see what happens. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Ever wonder why this cliche phrase is coined so often? Because it is truth. Truth is repeated by those who see. I know life has something wonderful in store for me. This change, although difficult, is necessary.
No comments:
Post a Comment