Last night I had many dreams all rolling into one. Each dream I was either on a bridge above a stadium or high up in some cedar trees. Different people were with me. I was frequently looking down at what was going on below me. There was shit everywhere. People were shitting their pants. It was disgusting. I could not get away from it. I was revolted, and I was afraid the feces would touch me.
I don't think I was ever fully sleeping for much longer than half an hour. Last nights dream(s) seemed to never end. My life right now feels like my dream: shitty.
Here are the interpretations quoted from www.dreammoods.com
*I couldn't find anything to specifically describe looking below me, but I did find two similar descriptions for below and down; the interpretations embarass me:
"To see something below you in your dream indicates that you are looking down on
others. You feel that you are are too good for someone or for a situation. Alternatively, the
dream suggests that you are delving into your unconscious."
"To dream that you are moving down suggests that you have made a wrong decision or
headed toward the wrong direction in life. Alternatively, the ream may be a pun on "feeling
down" or depressed. "Going down" may also sexual connotation and be a metaphor for oral
sex."
Cedar Tree:
"To see a cedar in your dream symbolizes longevity, durability, strength, endurance and immortality. The dream may be trying to offer reassurance during a difficult time in your life."
Feces:
"To see or come in contact with feces signifies aspects of yourself that are dirty and negative and which you believe to be undesirable and repulsive. You need to acknowledge and express these feelings, even though it may be shameful. Release the negativity in your life. Alternatively, it may also refer to someone who is anal retentive.To dream that you are unable to dispose of the feces suggests that you are unwilling to let go of your emotions. You have a tendency to hold in and keep your feelings to yourself. According to Freud, feces is related to possession, pride, shame, money/financial matters, or aggressive acts."
Stadium:
"To see or dream that you are in a stadium represents your determination to succeed and
achieve your goals. You need to be more active, aggressive, and bold."
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
I Dream in Colour
My life as of late, has been experiencing much change. Turmoil, upset and different paths, have been forcing me to see certain areas of my life that need an overhaul. On day two of my challenge, I experienced a vivid dream that may reflect how I have been feeling.
I was standing on a beach looking out at the ocean ahead of me. It was night time. The moon was full in the sky, and it's glow was reflecting upon the waves in a bright amber orange. The moon was over-sized and slightly to my left. There was white surf was rolling in, but it was not quite lapping at my bare toes. To my left, San Franciso was alight with city life. Brightly lit skyscrapers were towering high into the sky, miles from where I stood. The city was bustling and awake, despite the late hour.... around me though, it was calm.
Close beside me to my left, a photographer was standing. I could not see his face, but I knew he was tall. He and I were discussing my romantic relationships. We were talking about a past relationship; one that, in my waking life, I have not thought about in detail for quite some time. In my dream, Tyler and I had just broken up. I was telling the photographer that I did not want to rush into any relationship. I was explaining that I have always rushed into relationships, but with Tyler.... I said I had not done this.
After a while, I noticed a large ship anchored near the shore (again to my left). I began throwing a large red ball out to the people on the ship. We were throwing the ball back and forth. At one point the photographer caught the ball. He threw the ball far into the ocean, away from the ship. He told me that I should go get it. I didn't want to. I felt afraid. I was afraid of what was beneath the water. He wanted to photograph me scuba diving, which is apparently what we were at the beach to do. He reasoned that I may as well dive in after the ball, since I had to go in at some point. I kept stalling because of my fear, but I was trying very hard to seem unafraid.
Despite my fear of the unknown, I distinctly felt a deep knowledge for what I would see under the water. I could vividly imagine what was there. I knew that there was a large purple and pink octopus. I knew there were many brightly coloured fish and corals and sea plants. It was beautiful all around me. However, I was afraid of the octopus. I was not sure if it was friend or foe. I did not want it to touch me.
At some point I ended up in a vehicle. It is unclear why or how I was then in a vehicle, but I do know that I was driving from Nicholson to Golden (although, it still distinctly felt like Kimberley). Several of my friends from Kimberley were in the vehicle with me. We were all discussing love lives. There is much more to this concept than what I am writing, but I feel the need to respect privacy of myself and others. On that note, that is all that I will say about this certain dream aspect.
The entire dream focused fully on the idea of not rushing into any type of relationship. There was calm feeling for most of the dream, but also an underlying fearful anxiety. The dream was vivid and for the most part not confusing (except for how I ended up in a vehicle). It definitely brought up some interesting feelings and concepts that I have thought about these past few days.
I decided to look up some of the key aspects of my dream on the internet. One site that had several interesting interpretations was: www.dreammoods.com. I quote this sites interpretations below.
I thoroughly enjoyed what the interpretation for an ocean was.
"To see an ocean in your dream represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal. Alternatively, the dream means that you are feeling empowered and unhindered. You have a positive outlook in life and are not limited by anything. If you are sailing across the ocean, then it signifies new found freedom and independence. You are showing great courage."
I was unable to find "ship" listed in the dream dictionary, but I did find boat.
"To dream that you are in or see a boat signifies your ability to cope with and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether it is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself. The dream could be telling you not to rock the boat and to stay out of harm's way."
The idea for skyscraper was quite intriguing.
"To see a skyscraper in your dream represents your high ideals, creativity, accomplishments and imagination. You always aim high at whatever you do. The skyscraper is seen as a metaphor for the fore-sights and achievements of man. Alternatively, the dream represents the phallus."
The symbolism for ball made me giggle.
"To see or play with a ball in your dream symbolizes completeness and wholeness. It may also indicate that you need to be more in tune with the inner child within. The dream may also be a metaphor for the testicles. Consider also the phrase, "he's got balls" to indicate guts and strength."
I also looked up what a city may mean in general:
"To see a city in your dream signifies your social environment and sense of community. If you dream of a big city, then it suggests that you need to develop closer ties and relationships. You are feeling alienated and alone."
I looked for the direction left since everything in my dream was on my left hand side.
"To dream of the direction left symbolizes the unconscious and your repressed thoughts/emotions. It is an indication of passivity."
This is the closest idea I could find to the photographer in my dream.
"To dream that you are a photographer represents your desire to hold on to a certain image, time or period in your life."
The interpretation for the colour red was in reference to the large red ball that I was playing with.
"Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage, impulsiveness and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations. Consider the phrase "seeing red" to denote anger. Alternatively, the color red in your dream indicates a lack of energy. You are feeling tired or lethargic.
Red is also the color of danger, violence, blood, shame, rejection, sexual impulses and urges. Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions."
I identified the most with the first suggestion for what an octopus may mean.
"To see an octopus in your dream, means that you are entangled in some difficult matter. Your judgment is being clouded. Alternatively, the octopus indicates that you are overly possessive and maybe too clingy in a relationship".
I was standing on a beach looking out at the ocean ahead of me. It was night time. The moon was full in the sky, and it's glow was reflecting upon the waves in a bright amber orange. The moon was over-sized and slightly to my left. There was white surf was rolling in, but it was not quite lapping at my bare toes. To my left, San Franciso was alight with city life. Brightly lit skyscrapers were towering high into the sky, miles from where I stood. The city was bustling and awake, despite the late hour.... around me though, it was calm.
Close beside me to my left, a photographer was standing. I could not see his face, but I knew he was tall. He and I were discussing my romantic relationships. We were talking about a past relationship; one that, in my waking life, I have not thought about in detail for quite some time. In my dream, Tyler and I had just broken up. I was telling the photographer that I did not want to rush into any relationship. I was explaining that I have always rushed into relationships, but with Tyler.... I said I had not done this.
After a while, I noticed a large ship anchored near the shore (again to my left). I began throwing a large red ball out to the people on the ship. We were throwing the ball back and forth. At one point the photographer caught the ball. He threw the ball far into the ocean, away from the ship. He told me that I should go get it. I didn't want to. I felt afraid. I was afraid of what was beneath the water. He wanted to photograph me scuba diving, which is apparently what we were at the beach to do. He reasoned that I may as well dive in after the ball, since I had to go in at some point. I kept stalling because of my fear, but I was trying very hard to seem unafraid.
Despite my fear of the unknown, I distinctly felt a deep knowledge for what I would see under the water. I could vividly imagine what was there. I knew that there was a large purple and pink octopus. I knew there were many brightly coloured fish and corals and sea plants. It was beautiful all around me. However, I was afraid of the octopus. I was not sure if it was friend or foe. I did not want it to touch me.
At some point I ended up in a vehicle. It is unclear why or how I was then in a vehicle, but I do know that I was driving from Nicholson to Golden (although, it still distinctly felt like Kimberley). Several of my friends from Kimberley were in the vehicle with me. We were all discussing love lives. There is much more to this concept than what I am writing, but I feel the need to respect privacy of myself and others. On that note, that is all that I will say about this certain dream aspect.
The entire dream focused fully on the idea of not rushing into any type of relationship. There was calm feeling for most of the dream, but also an underlying fearful anxiety. The dream was vivid and for the most part not confusing (except for how I ended up in a vehicle). It definitely brought up some interesting feelings and concepts that I have thought about these past few days.
I decided to look up some of the key aspects of my dream on the internet. One site that had several interesting interpretations was: www.dreammoods.com. I quote this sites interpretations below.
I thoroughly enjoyed what the interpretation for an ocean was.
"To see an ocean in your dream represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal. Alternatively, the dream means that you are feeling empowered and unhindered. You have a positive outlook in life and are not limited by anything. If you are sailing across the ocean, then it signifies new found freedom and independence. You are showing great courage."
I was unable to find "ship" listed in the dream dictionary, but I did find boat.
"To dream that you are in or see a boat signifies your ability to cope with and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether it is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself. The dream could be telling you not to rock the boat and to stay out of harm's way."
The idea for skyscraper was quite intriguing.
"To see a skyscraper in your dream represents your high ideals, creativity, accomplishments and imagination. You always aim high at whatever you do. The skyscraper is seen as a metaphor for the fore-sights and achievements of man. Alternatively, the dream represents the phallus."
The symbolism for ball made me giggle.
"To see or play with a ball in your dream symbolizes completeness and wholeness. It may also indicate that you need to be more in tune with the inner child within. The dream may also be a metaphor for the testicles. Consider also the phrase, "he's got balls" to indicate guts and strength."
I also looked up what a city may mean in general:
"To see a city in your dream signifies your social environment and sense of community. If you dream of a big city, then it suggests that you need to develop closer ties and relationships. You are feeling alienated and alone."
I looked for the direction left since everything in my dream was on my left hand side.
"To dream of the direction left symbolizes the unconscious and your repressed thoughts/emotions. It is an indication of passivity."
This is the closest idea I could find to the photographer in my dream.
"To dream that you are a photographer represents your desire to hold on to a certain image, time or period in your life."
The interpretation for the colour red was in reference to the large red ball that I was playing with.
"Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage, impulsiveness and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations. Consider the phrase "seeing red" to denote anger. Alternatively, the color red in your dream indicates a lack of energy. You are feeling tired or lethargic.
Red is also the color of danger, violence, blood, shame, rejection, sexual impulses and urges. Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions."
I identified the most with the first suggestion for what an octopus may mean.
"To see an octopus in your dream, means that you are entangled in some difficult matter. Your judgment is being clouded. Alternatively, the octopus indicates that you are overly possessive and maybe too clingy in a relationship".
Lazy, Hazy, Daze
Tracking my dreams has been a very interesting task. I have noticed that when I first begin to write down my dream, my mind feels confused and hazy. Once I begin to write out some of the obscure details that I can remember, the haze seems to clear and I am able to recall more and more of my night time message.
I have to admit that tracking my dreams has not been an easy task. I am someone who enjoys the slow waking of my morning slumber. I like to take my time when I get out of bed, sometimes drifting back to sleep for minutes at at time. This is not exactly conducive to my dream tracking. To remember my dreams, I absolutely must write in my journal almost immediately. If I do not, that confused haze takes over and I very soon forget.
I have been able to track my dreams about half of the seven days that I have been challenging myself. If I am to succeed in gaining more insight into myself, I need to have more discipline from now on. I must force myself to express my dream in writing, as soon as my eyes flutter open for the first time.
I have to admit that tracking my dreams has not been an easy task. I am someone who enjoys the slow waking of my morning slumber. I like to take my time when I get out of bed, sometimes drifting back to sleep for minutes at at time. This is not exactly conducive to my dream tracking. To remember my dreams, I absolutely must write in my journal almost immediately. If I do not, that confused haze takes over and I very soon forget.
I have been able to track my dreams about half of the seven days that I have been challenging myself. If I am to succeed in gaining more insight into myself, I need to have more discipline from now on. I must force myself to express my dream in writing, as soon as my eyes flutter open for the first time.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Challenge #6: Dream Girl
Throughout my life I have had extremely vivid dreams. Each dream is another world in which I live for only moments. My deepest subconscious comes alive nightly to tell me, remind me or warn me of concepts that could or already are impacting my life.
As you can guess.... I am of the belief that dreams have meaning. I do not believe that the "random" firing of my neurotransmitters is necessarily random at all. My dreams happen because my subconscious is trying to tell me something (be it: past, present or future).
Describing my dreams to others has usually been fascinating for both sender and receiver. I am intrigued by my own mind and it's deep complexities. As a whole, the closest way to explain the majority of my dreams is to look at a Dali painting. Fantastical, strange, conceptual, confusing and unique..... these characteristics are at play in my mind during REM sleep. I love sleeping, because my dreams are always a new, exciting surprise waiting to happen.
While on the topic of my dreams, I should mention one interesting recurring dream style that my mind frequents: water. I dream of water almost every single time I close my eyes (that I remember). Water is present in some way, no matter what else is happening in my dream. I dream of lakes, pools, the ocean, waves, swimming, fish, ponds, drowning, floating.... the list does not end. Many times aqua is connected to the emotions I am experiencing in my dream. For example: if my emotions are angry and tumultuous, there may be large waves crashing around me. If my emotion is calm and happy, I may be swimming in a warm, calm, soothing lake.
I do not know with certainty why I dream of water so often. One of my theories is because I am a Pisces. A water sign, with two swimming fish. This may be one reason, but I do not think it is a full explanation. With my environmental views, I do think of water often as well. Water certainly is very important to me. My body for one, is almost entirely composed of this precious molecule. It is also the most abundant compound on this planet's surface. The most important ingredient for the ability to have life on Earth; my preoccupation is definitely justified. I feel these are only part of the explanation for my dreamy obsession. Perhaps my conscious evolution will help me to decipher the rest of this H2O puzzle.
Lucid dreaming also entices me. From a very young age I have been able to wake myself up while dreaming. This happens while in the throes of a nightmare. I remember suddenly in my terror, that I am only dreaming, and I realize I can consciously force my mind to wake my body up. The process is difficult and seems to take a few minutes (although, it may only be a few seconds.... I will probably never know for sure). I usually go through a period of waking, where I "awaken" only to find myself back in my dream.... and then I realize that I have not yet successfully woken myself up, so I must try again. This normally happens about two or three times, but eventually I open my eyes and know that I have again truly awakened myself from slumber. The nightmare is officially over at this point.
I would like to learn to lucid dream during great dreams.... and to stay asleep during these times. Sometimes, on rare occasions I have known that I am dreaming and I do choose to stay asleep. I choose to try to change my dream into something of my conscious creation..... but so far, my attempts have been mostly unsuccessful.
I know one step to lucid dreaming is to look at your hands. I have not yet remembered to look at my hands. Maybe soon? However, this challenge is less about lucid dreaming (although, it may evolve into that) and more about gaining insight. I would like to track my dreams using a dream journal to have a clearer vision of their meanings. The lessons behind my closed eyes. I would like to see if writing my dreams on paper will help me to decipher with more ease.
During this challenge I will track my dreams for one month to start (I may choose later to extend this challenge). During this time, I will write about my feelings and insights gained during this experience at least three more times. I will also describe in detail at least four different dreams that I feel are particularly interesting or important (that I have during the challenge period). I will probably also choose to describe some of my past dreams just for the sake of interest.
I encourage my readers participation for this challenge! I would absolutely love to hear your interpretations of my dreams. New eyes and minds may be helpful to my conscious evolution, and I would appreciate any feedback. Also, if you are moved to tell me about any of your dreams, I am a willing participant! I love dreaming and I am very interested in other people's dreams too. It is a doorway into another persons mind :)
Dream Girl, you start tomorrow morning!
As you can guess.... I am of the belief that dreams have meaning. I do not believe that the "random" firing of my neurotransmitters is necessarily random at all. My dreams happen because my subconscious is trying to tell me something (be it: past, present or future).
Describing my dreams to others has usually been fascinating for both sender and receiver. I am intrigued by my own mind and it's deep complexities. As a whole, the closest way to explain the majority of my dreams is to look at a Dali painting. Fantastical, strange, conceptual, confusing and unique..... these characteristics are at play in my mind during REM sleep. I love sleeping, because my dreams are always a new, exciting surprise waiting to happen.
While on the topic of my dreams, I should mention one interesting recurring dream style that my mind frequents: water. I dream of water almost every single time I close my eyes (that I remember). Water is present in some way, no matter what else is happening in my dream. I dream of lakes, pools, the ocean, waves, swimming, fish, ponds, drowning, floating.... the list does not end. Many times aqua is connected to the emotions I am experiencing in my dream. For example: if my emotions are angry and tumultuous, there may be large waves crashing around me. If my emotion is calm and happy, I may be swimming in a warm, calm, soothing lake.
I do not know with certainty why I dream of water so often. One of my theories is because I am a Pisces. A water sign, with two swimming fish. This may be one reason, but I do not think it is a full explanation. With my environmental views, I do think of water often as well. Water certainly is very important to me. My body for one, is almost entirely composed of this precious molecule. It is also the most abundant compound on this planet's surface. The most important ingredient for the ability to have life on Earth; my preoccupation is definitely justified. I feel these are only part of the explanation for my dreamy obsession. Perhaps my conscious evolution will help me to decipher the rest of this H2O puzzle.
Lucid dreaming also entices me. From a very young age I have been able to wake myself up while dreaming. This happens while in the throes of a nightmare. I remember suddenly in my terror, that I am only dreaming, and I realize I can consciously force my mind to wake my body up. The process is difficult and seems to take a few minutes (although, it may only be a few seconds.... I will probably never know for sure). I usually go through a period of waking, where I "awaken" only to find myself back in my dream.... and then I realize that I have not yet successfully woken myself up, so I must try again. This normally happens about two or three times, but eventually I open my eyes and know that I have again truly awakened myself from slumber. The nightmare is officially over at this point.
I would like to learn to lucid dream during great dreams.... and to stay asleep during these times. Sometimes, on rare occasions I have known that I am dreaming and I do choose to stay asleep. I choose to try to change my dream into something of my conscious creation..... but so far, my attempts have been mostly unsuccessful.
I know one step to lucid dreaming is to look at your hands. I have not yet remembered to look at my hands. Maybe soon? However, this challenge is less about lucid dreaming (although, it may evolve into that) and more about gaining insight. I would like to track my dreams using a dream journal to have a clearer vision of their meanings. The lessons behind my closed eyes. I would like to see if writing my dreams on paper will help me to decipher with more ease.
During this challenge I will track my dreams for one month to start (I may choose later to extend this challenge). During this time, I will write about my feelings and insights gained during this experience at least three more times. I will also describe in detail at least four different dreams that I feel are particularly interesting or important (that I have during the challenge period). I will probably also choose to describe some of my past dreams just for the sake of interest.
I encourage my readers participation for this challenge! I would absolutely love to hear your interpretations of my dreams. New eyes and minds may be helpful to my conscious evolution, and I would appreciate any feedback. Also, if you are moved to tell me about any of your dreams, I am a willing participant! I love dreaming and I am very interested in other people's dreams too. It is a doorway into another persons mind :)
Dream Girl, you start tomorrow morning!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Circular Lessons
These lessons are circular
Of all I know
Round they go
Circular lessons
Surround my soul
Of all I know
Of this I sew
Circular, circular
A round-a-bout trip
Round I go
Around I slip
Slip and Fall
Around I go
I feel small
And all I know
Are these circular lessons
I never learn
Seasons change
Around I turn
Spinning, spinning
Of all I know
These circular lessons
Around I go
These lessons are circular
And all I know
This is my life
I know, I know
Of all I know
Round they go
Circular lessons
Surround my soul
Of all I know
Of this I sew
Circular, circular
A round-a-bout trip
Round I go
Around I slip
Slip and Fall
Around I go
I feel small
And all I know
Are these circular lessons
I never learn
Seasons change
Around I turn
Spinning, spinning
Of all I know
These circular lessons
Around I go
These lessons are circular
And all I know
This is my life
I know, I know
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Secondary Benefit
One noticeable benefit I have found from my conscious evolution is that I have unwittingly progressed through personal challenges and goals that I have wanted to achieve or learn from for years. These are things that I did not write about or intentionally seek within my conscious evolution. Subconsciously I must be searching and in my current time I am finding. My journey to learn more about myself, to express these desires and my ultimate findings of more life light, has helped me in more ways than each personal challenge can explain. I am enjoying this secondary benefit. I thought I might share one of my experiences of this unintentional evolution.
I took a leap of faith and set out recently to a music festival on Texada Island called Diversity Festival. It was small and intimate and full of kind faces. I loved being able to truly connect with people that I frequently saw. The festival was large enough to feel exciting, but small enough to encourage deep conversation and opening.
I have always wanted to vend at a festival, so this year I did it. I did not sell many of my beautiful headpieces (that I created with ethically sourced non-cruelty feathers).... but I did experience four days of enjoyment. This festival had one stage for instrumental bands, musicians and another for electronic music. The music was definitely delightful. I have a memory of looking up into the sky, awash with Northern lights.... music playing in the background; Caitlin hoola-hooping near me on the beach. Some memories you know will stay with you forever.
The festival also focused strongly on workshops to help people learn new skills and connect with each other. I really enjoyed participating in African dance, improvised singing, African drumming and stilt walking. Some of the other workshops included were: improvised hip-hop freestyle, movement and dance, ribbon acrobatics, introduction to quantum mechanics, train-wreck avoidance (referring to mistakes while mixing beats electronically), yoga, and living foods nutrition. I was vending, so I was unable to participate in all of the workshops, but I watched many from my tent (which was luckily located directly beside a stage).
One of my favorite experiences from this festival was the blessing/opening ceremony performed by some local First Nations of Texada Island. Everyone was encouraged to get involved in the dances. In one song, we chose a specific animal (wolf, eagle or orca) and each animal had a certain look and dance. When the animal sound was called, you ran onto the dance floor to act out your chosen animal story. It was fun, there was a lot of laughing.
The festival was successful in a non-monetary way.... which is definitely the best way possible.
I took a leap of faith and set out recently to a music festival on Texada Island called Diversity Festival. It was small and intimate and full of kind faces. I loved being able to truly connect with people that I frequently saw. The festival was large enough to feel exciting, but small enough to encourage deep conversation and opening.
I have always wanted to vend at a festival, so this year I did it. I did not sell many of my beautiful headpieces (that I created with ethically sourced non-cruelty feathers).... but I did experience four days of enjoyment. This festival had one stage for instrumental bands, musicians and another for electronic music. The music was definitely delightful. I have a memory of looking up into the sky, awash with Northern lights.... music playing in the background; Caitlin hoola-hooping near me on the beach. Some memories you know will stay with you forever.
The festival also focused strongly on workshops to help people learn new skills and connect with each other. I really enjoyed participating in African dance, improvised singing, African drumming and stilt walking. Some of the other workshops included were: improvised hip-hop freestyle, movement and dance, ribbon acrobatics, introduction to quantum mechanics, train-wreck avoidance (referring to mistakes while mixing beats electronically), yoga, and living foods nutrition. I was vending, so I was unable to participate in all of the workshops, but I watched many from my tent (which was luckily located directly beside a stage).
One of my favorite experiences from this festival was the blessing/opening ceremony performed by some local First Nations of Texada Island. Everyone was encouraged to get involved in the dances. In one song, we chose a specific animal (wolf, eagle or orca) and each animal had a certain look and dance. When the animal sound was called, you ran onto the dance floor to act out your chosen animal story. It was fun, there was a lot of laughing.
The festival was successful in a non-monetary way.... which is definitely the best way possible.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Today I Write
I love to write.
I love to truly express my feelings through my words. When I describe exactly what I feel.... with no inhibitions, I feel internal release and freedom. I have been missing that freedom lately. Perhaps this is why I have taken so long to write about my conscious evolution?
Today I write with no obligation to my conscious evolution. That in itself, is an eternal process, and despite my lack of immediate time to put forth into this chosen path; I do constantly imagine future challenges that will infuse my life with more light. This blog however, has nothing to do with my conscious evolution.
Pure artistic expression and release. Does every human being have this need? Art in my eyes is not only a painting on a wall. Each person is unique. Art to me is expression...... don't we all need to express?
The past is a curious subject. Lately, thinking of my past has caused me much pain and also much happiness. I do not like to live in my past, but I do think about both fond and traumatic memories often. Sometimes more often than I believe is healthy. This does not hinder my present, but sometimes I wish the movie in my mind would end. If only I could truly live in each moment or, if I could experience chosen memory loss. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; one of my favorite movies.... there is a reason I like it so much and identify with the main characters.
I actually began writing this post almost a month ago. One month ago I ended with the paragraph above.... speaking of my former life. I must have sensed that my past would soon emerge into my present life.
My past recently has come to visit me. First through an old friend, and more recently through a past love. This resurgence interests me. Why all at once? Maybe to give myself a chance to right my wrongs, to feel closure.... to know that everyone is okay and on the right path in life? I certainly do appreciate this gift from the universe. Knowing one of my closest childhood friends is doing absolutely amazing things makes me so happy. It also feels good to know that the man whom I shared my longest love relationship, is doing very well and seems happy. I have worried about him. We had a very tumultuous relationship. It caused a lot of pain for both of us. We learned many lessons.... but I never felt satisfied with the lack of closure the last time we saw each other. Thankfully, I believe I have that now.
Many of my favorite past memories are dreamy, illusionary concepts of time now gone and often missed. I still dream of a time when I played "one, two, three, tree" in the middle of the night. I still do think of days when I stayed up late writing silly, salacious notes, trying to express with all of my heart how I felt inside; despite the fact that I had no comparison to the intense emotions I was so suddenly lucky to know. I remember walking home late, always. I remember the amazement at how even the shadows in the streetlights imitated the masculine and feminine forms. I felt very feminine in those years.... I still do feel very feminine, just stronger. I do feel envious of a time when I felt so sure about love that I couldn't even imagine any other way of being. I have not again ran around in a golf course intoxicated. At this point in my life, I am not sure that I would do that again. I still have a love for umbrella shaped trees.... they hide secrets. I do wonder if that life for me was even real, or if over the years, I have imagined my feelings to be more intense than they actually were.
I have tried to erase those memories. I burnt letters, drawings, pictures and a time when love was something I believed was everything that was needed. When I did this two years ago I thought I was letting go forever. I wanted to start new love with lightness. I wanted to forget, but now I know I was only solidifying my life path and destiny. Burning did not make me forget. I am okay with that. I am glad that I have my past to tell me who I am today. I am glad that I have my life now. I am one very blessed soul to have liven everything I have. The people in my life, past and present have always been my teachers.
My lessons in love and friendship have made the most impact. That.... I will not ever forget.
I love to truly express my feelings through my words. When I describe exactly what I feel.... with no inhibitions, I feel internal release and freedom. I have been missing that freedom lately. Perhaps this is why I have taken so long to write about my conscious evolution?
Today I write with no obligation to my conscious evolution. That in itself, is an eternal process, and despite my lack of immediate time to put forth into this chosen path; I do constantly imagine future challenges that will infuse my life with more light. This blog however, has nothing to do with my conscious evolution.
Pure artistic expression and release. Does every human being have this need? Art in my eyes is not only a painting on a wall. Each person is unique. Art to me is expression...... don't we all need to express?
The past is a curious subject. Lately, thinking of my past has caused me much pain and also much happiness. I do not like to live in my past, but I do think about both fond and traumatic memories often. Sometimes more often than I believe is healthy. This does not hinder my present, but sometimes I wish the movie in my mind would end. If only I could truly live in each moment or, if I could experience chosen memory loss. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; one of my favorite movies.... there is a reason I like it so much and identify with the main characters.
I actually began writing this post almost a month ago. One month ago I ended with the paragraph above.... speaking of my former life. I must have sensed that my past would soon emerge into my present life.
My past recently has come to visit me. First through an old friend, and more recently through a past love. This resurgence interests me. Why all at once? Maybe to give myself a chance to right my wrongs, to feel closure.... to know that everyone is okay and on the right path in life? I certainly do appreciate this gift from the universe. Knowing one of my closest childhood friends is doing absolutely amazing things makes me so happy. It also feels good to know that the man whom I shared my longest love relationship, is doing very well and seems happy. I have worried about him. We had a very tumultuous relationship. It caused a lot of pain for both of us. We learned many lessons.... but I never felt satisfied with the lack of closure the last time we saw each other. Thankfully, I believe I have that now.
Many of my favorite past memories are dreamy, illusionary concepts of time now gone and often missed. I still dream of a time when I played "one, two, three, tree" in the middle of the night. I still do think of days when I stayed up late writing silly, salacious notes, trying to express with all of my heart how I felt inside; despite the fact that I had no comparison to the intense emotions I was so suddenly lucky to know. I remember walking home late, always. I remember the amazement at how even the shadows in the streetlights imitated the masculine and feminine forms. I felt very feminine in those years.... I still do feel very feminine, just stronger. I do feel envious of a time when I felt so sure about love that I couldn't even imagine any other way of being. I have not again ran around in a golf course intoxicated. At this point in my life, I am not sure that I would do that again. I still have a love for umbrella shaped trees.... they hide secrets. I do wonder if that life for me was even real, or if over the years, I have imagined my feelings to be more intense than they actually were.
I have tried to erase those memories. I burnt letters, drawings, pictures and a time when love was something I believed was everything that was needed. When I did this two years ago I thought I was letting go forever. I wanted to start new love with lightness. I wanted to forget, but now I know I was only solidifying my life path and destiny. Burning did not make me forget. I am okay with that. I am glad that I have my past to tell me who I am today. I am glad that I have my life now. I am one very blessed soul to have liven everything I have. The people in my life, past and present have always been my teachers.
My lessons in love and friendship have made the most impact. That.... I will not ever forget.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Cleanse Me: Challenge # 5
I have not had a chance to write lately about my conscious evolution. Even though I have not written, I have put a lot of time into thinking about this topic. Thinking is as important as doing. In the past few months I have had many ideas for change and certain ideas that I would like to investigate more deeply. Soon I will begin a new challenge. This post however, is about a challenge that I started and completed about a month back....
My body was in need of a cleanse. I could feel it. My joints have been bothering me for a few years, my mind has been cloudy, and I have constantly felt stuffed up. After eating nutritionally void camp food all winter, I decided it was time.
In the past, I have only attempted to cleanse my body once (about five years ago). This first cleansing experience was absolutely terrible. I had no idea what I was getting into. I chose to try a quick twenty-four hour full body cleanse. Big mistake! This cleanse consisted of four pills and a salty liquid, that was so disgusting I could barely choke it down. Within only a few hours of beginning the cleanse, my stomach started to seriously ache. Then, within five hours of the cleanse, my stomach started to swell. It just kept getting larger. It actually looked like I was about five months pregnant; no lie. It was both disturbing and hilarious. Until this experience, I did not think it was possible for my stomach to look so huge, so fast. The pain was nearly unbearable. After rolling around in agony and laughter for quite some time, my "relief" finally came.... quite suddenly. I will only say this: I spent four hours straight in the bathroom. Toilet paper starts to feel about as soft as a rock after only half an hour.....
Justifiably, after this horrific experience... cleansing has terrified me. I have avoided it, despite the benefits toted by natural health professionals. Luckily, in the last year I have become good friends with two very knowledgeable women. My friend Ella is a genius when it comes to nutrition. She is currently taking courses to become a nutritionist, and she works at an organic grocery store. My sweetheart's sister Caitlin, is training to become a herbalist and she is like a little cleansing herb encyclopedia. With both their positive opinions of body cleansing, I was encouraged enough to attempt a cleanse again.
I chose to do the "Wild Rose" cleanse. This cleanse is a twelve day full body detox which takes diet into account. It was easy to follow, with a cookbook full of tasty, nutritional meals to help the cleansing process. When I was preparing for the cleanse I felt very nervous that I would constantly feel hungry. I have a huge appetite. I actually eat more than Jordan who is one hundred and ninety pounds. To ease my fears, I bought way more food than what was necessary. I felt prepared with full cupboards, but nervous that I would give into my cravings. Surprisingly, for the most part I felt very satisfied and full...... except for my cheese cravings (those were monstrous).
Overall, the experience was positive. My body felt clean near the end of the twelve days and my mind felt clear. I would definitely do a cleanse again. Next time I may create my own cleanse, with the help of Ella and Caitlin's knowledge. I believe in a deep connection between mind and body, and including a cleanse in my conscious evolution has been beneficial
Positives of my experience:
My body was in need of a cleanse. I could feel it. My joints have been bothering me for a few years, my mind has been cloudy, and I have constantly felt stuffed up. After eating nutritionally void camp food all winter, I decided it was time.
In the past, I have only attempted to cleanse my body once (about five years ago). This first cleansing experience was absolutely terrible. I had no idea what I was getting into. I chose to try a quick twenty-four hour full body cleanse. Big mistake! This cleanse consisted of four pills and a salty liquid, that was so disgusting I could barely choke it down. Within only a few hours of beginning the cleanse, my stomach started to seriously ache. Then, within five hours of the cleanse, my stomach started to swell. It just kept getting larger. It actually looked like I was about five months pregnant; no lie. It was both disturbing and hilarious. Until this experience, I did not think it was possible for my stomach to look so huge, so fast. The pain was nearly unbearable. After rolling around in agony and laughter for quite some time, my "relief" finally came.... quite suddenly. I will only say this: I spent four hours straight in the bathroom. Toilet paper starts to feel about as soft as a rock after only half an hour.....
Justifiably, after this horrific experience... cleansing has terrified me. I have avoided it, despite the benefits toted by natural health professionals. Luckily, in the last year I have become good friends with two very knowledgeable women. My friend Ella is a genius when it comes to nutrition. She is currently taking courses to become a nutritionist, and she works at an organic grocery store. My sweetheart's sister Caitlin, is training to become a herbalist and she is like a little cleansing herb encyclopedia. With both their positive opinions of body cleansing, I was encouraged enough to attempt a cleanse again.
I chose to do the "Wild Rose" cleanse. This cleanse is a twelve day full body detox which takes diet into account. It was easy to follow, with a cookbook full of tasty, nutritional meals to help the cleansing process. When I was preparing for the cleanse I felt very nervous that I would constantly feel hungry. I have a huge appetite. I actually eat more than Jordan who is one hundred and ninety pounds. To ease my fears, I bought way more food than what was necessary. I felt prepared with full cupboards, but nervous that I would give into my cravings. Surprisingly, for the most part I felt very satisfied and full...... except for my cheese cravings (those were monstrous).
Overall, the experience was positive. My body felt clean near the end of the twelve days and my mind felt clear. I would definitely do a cleanse again. Next time I may create my own cleanse, with the help of Ella and Caitlin's knowledge. I believe in a deep connection between mind and body, and including a cleanse in my conscious evolution has been beneficial
Positives of my experience:
- near the end of the cleanse, my joint pain completely disappeared
- the food kept me full (despite my doubts)
- the food was very flavorful (despite my doubts)
- I feel proud that I stuck to my cleanse foods (except for a few minor cheats)
- I realized that I don't need to eat as much dairy as I currently do
- I was allowed to eat as much fish as I wanted during the cleanse (and have incorporated this into my current eating habits)
- the cleanse reminded me to drink much more water
- Jordan and I did this cleanse together, so it made the entire process easier and more fun
- my fear of cleansing has completely abated
- I was allowed to drink as much herbal tea as I wanted :)
- my addiction to bread and wheat has definitely decreased
- my awareness of what I put into my body has deepened
- I experienced joint pain (more than normal), some headaches and and nausea at the beginning of the cleanse (this is normal for most cleanses)
- I experienced some severe cravings for dairy products
- I did not ease myself into my regular foods after the cleanse, so I have experienced some return of side effects (like joint pain - this is also normal)
- my energy level took a big dive and I feel that the allotted animal protein was insufficient for my activity level
- climbing a multi-pitch climb with such a small amount of protein, made the climb feel more tiring that it would have been normally (I would never combine a multi-pitch climb and a body cleanse ever again)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Bumble bee
Life has been overwhelmingly busy. Too much has, is and will be happening for me. Even a few moments of reflection (to decide upon which challenge I will face next), has been difficult to find. I am sorry for this delay.... but I promise to begin a new challenge as soon as it is possible in my life :)
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Delve Deep
I leave tomorrow morning for one last work contract. I thought I was already finished for the season, but a contract suddenly materialized this afternoon. The opportunity is excellent and I can not turn it down. This one contract will completely pay for mine and Jordan's Burning Man trip (minus the tickets that we already own).
I have three ideas for my next challenge. All are equally important in my life. Each is on a deeper level than my previous challenges. These ideas all address certain insecurities of mine. While I am gone, I am going to choose my new challenge. I will start it upon my return.
I feel ready to delve deeper in my spiritual quest. This will help me to truly face myself and help me to make some big life changes. Until now, I have not felt it was the right time. I feel nervous about getting so deep on my public blog. This is essentially an open journal of my thoughts and feelings.
When I decided to start these challenges, I wanted to have someone.... anyone, to answer to. That is why I chose to write about my experiences publicly. I may not be answering to anyone specific, but having readers allows me to feel like I have to stay true to what I write. It keeps me honest. Otherwise, it would be so easy for me to forget about these challenges and why I do them.
At the beginning of this conscious evolution, I vowed to be brutally honest in my writing. Still, the thought of people reading about my deepest insecurities or negative traits, really frightens me. I have to remember that being completely open is a really good trait. It doesn't matter if others disagree or think negatively of me or my life. My learning and my honesty are what counts.
I am preparing to take these challenges to the next level. Fear and excitement mix inside of me. I know I will learn more about myself than I thought possible. Stay tuned.
I have three ideas for my next challenge. All are equally important in my life. Each is on a deeper level than my previous challenges. These ideas all address certain insecurities of mine. While I am gone, I am going to choose my new challenge. I will start it upon my return.
I feel ready to delve deeper in my spiritual quest. This will help me to truly face myself and help me to make some big life changes. Until now, I have not felt it was the right time. I feel nervous about getting so deep on my public blog. This is essentially an open journal of my thoughts and feelings.
When I decided to start these challenges, I wanted to have someone.... anyone, to answer to. That is why I chose to write about my experiences publicly. I may not be answering to anyone specific, but having readers allows me to feel like I have to stay true to what I write. It keeps me honest. Otherwise, it would be so easy for me to forget about these challenges and why I do them.
At the beginning of this conscious evolution, I vowed to be brutally honest in my writing. Still, the thought of people reading about my deepest insecurities or negative traits, really frightens me. I have to remember that being completely open is a really good trait. It doesn't matter if others disagree or think negatively of me or my life. My learning and my honesty are what counts.
I am preparing to take these challenges to the next level. Fear and excitement mix inside of me. I know I will learn more about myself than I thought possible. Stay tuned.
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