Today is the official end of my Dream Girl Challenge. This was such an interesting challenge, and I absolutely loved gaining more insight into the intricacies of my subconscious. I have chosen to extend this challenge for one month. This decision was somewhat made because I did not write as many dreams down as I hoped.... but more officially because I really, really liked what I was learning about myself (in the dreams that I was able to catch on paper).
The past few days I have been able to write down several of my dreams. I can distinctly feel that the dreams are not in their entirety, but at least I have REMEMBERED to use my dream journal. None of the dreams of late have been particularly interesting, so I will not bore you with the details.
I have learned the power of will in this challenge. It has been a struggle for me to force myself to write in my dream journal, when I can barely even open my eyes. I have had to convince myself several times to not drift back into sleep......
So, this challenge will go until October 15th. My goal is to gain more insight as well as capture a few more interesting dream land sequences. I wrote down 17 dreams this past month.... hopefully I will be much closer to 30 in the next month.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
A Dream Dali Would Paint
I am going to describe another past dream in detail, just for the fun of it. This dream was one I had a few years ago. The details are still clear in my mind. It is the type of fantastical, surreal dream that I love to be blessed with.
I was alone in a giant, flat, savannah grassland. There were sparsely placed trees growing all over the area. They were all black and dying. The trees resembled a triple combination of ones that have died from flooding, trees that have been ransacked by fire, and those with the gnarly look of having been struck by lightning. The weather was stormy and the lighting was dreary. It was nearing dark
I made my way to a giant grey tower covered in old wood siding (similar to the wood on old barns). It was the only building in sight. The tower was something out of a Dr. Seuss book. It was all crooked and mismatched. It almost looked as if it may fall over at any moment. There was a staircase on the outside of this tower that went every which way in its ultimate climb to the top.
Behind me, a herd of trojan horses were galloping in my direction. They were all shiny black, with bright red eyes. Their manes were braided in the way of a show horse. They were absolutely beautiful, and absolutely terrifying. They were heading towards the tower too.
I knew that I must make it up the staircase to the top of the tower before the horses reached me. I began to run up the staircase. The storm was raging in the background. Lightning was crashing all over the savannah. Between the loud booms of thunder I could hear the horses hooves crashing into the ground and their whinney's of excitement. They were getting closer.
As I was heading up the staircase I ran into a pack of small dogs. The pack was heading down the staircase. The dogs were all mutts of mixed origin. They were all crooked and crippled; their crooked bodies resembled the crooked tower. I bypassed them, without looking back.
And that is where I either woke up or forgot the rest...... too bad. I would like to have known what happened. Despite the high level of anxiety I felt during this dream, I think the intense imagery was incredible.
I was alone in a giant, flat, savannah grassland. There were sparsely placed trees growing all over the area. They were all black and dying. The trees resembled a triple combination of ones that have died from flooding, trees that have been ransacked by fire, and those with the gnarly look of having been struck by lightning. The weather was stormy and the lighting was dreary. It was nearing dark
I made my way to a giant grey tower covered in old wood siding (similar to the wood on old barns). It was the only building in sight. The tower was something out of a Dr. Seuss book. It was all crooked and mismatched. It almost looked as if it may fall over at any moment. There was a staircase on the outside of this tower that went every which way in its ultimate climb to the top.
Behind me, a herd of trojan horses were galloping in my direction. They were all shiny black, with bright red eyes. Their manes were braided in the way of a show horse. They were absolutely beautiful, and absolutely terrifying. They were heading towards the tower too.
I knew that I must make it up the staircase to the top of the tower before the horses reached me. I began to run up the staircase. The storm was raging in the background. Lightning was crashing all over the savannah. Between the loud booms of thunder I could hear the horses hooves crashing into the ground and their whinney's of excitement. They were getting closer.
As I was heading up the staircase I ran into a pack of small dogs. The pack was heading down the staircase. The dogs were all mutts of mixed origin. They were all crooked and crippled; their crooked bodies resembled the crooked tower. I bypassed them, without looking back.
And that is where I either woke up or forgot the rest...... too bad. I would like to have known what happened. Despite the high level of anxiety I felt during this dream, I think the intense imagery was incredible.
Monday, September 05, 2011
Past Dream
Since I have not been having an easy time tracking my dreams, I have not been recounting many on my blog. As a substitute for a current dream, I thought today I would write down one of my most profound dreams from my past year. There are some interesting similarities to one of the dreams I recounted earlier for this challenge, but the dream itself is entirely different. I will leave the interpretation up to you, as I have already done my own.
I was in a house that had many windows. The house was painted white. It was cozy and clean, but it did not feel like home. It was bright inside, but it was getting close to dusk; the shadow filled time of day.
There was a bed inside one of the rooms; one of the only pieces of furniture I could see. Laying on the bed was a giant purple octopus. I was afraid of the octopus, but intrigued.
Inside the room, there was a man standing near to me. I knew he was tall. I did not want to look directly at his face, but I peeked at him out of the corner of my eyes. He had an intense face that was both kind and foreboding. His eyes were almost black and they penetrated into my soul. He told me that he was my dream guide.
I had an overwhelming feeling of anxiety in my dream. The world was ending in some way. I knew this. I was standing in the room with the bed and octopus. From this vantage point, I could see out the front windows as well as the back. There was chaos all around me, and it was as if I were seeing everything as framed, moving photographs.
In the front there was a highway covered in caribou. They were screaming and stumbling and bleeding. Cars were ramming into them without stopping. Most of the caribou were fatally injured. I noticed a calf screaming with it's front left leg broken open into splinters. I knew it was crying for it's mother. She was dead.
In the back there was a giant river that spanned onto a flat valley. I could see a vast mountain range in the distance. The river was rising quickley. I knew it was going to flood. I knew I had to get to safety with the children I was babysitting. The two toddlers and I needed to get out of the house instantly. My maternal instinct was telling me to act as fast as I could. I handed them off to someone who was going to bring them to safety.
Once they were out of the house and safe, I decided to run back to the house to pack some items. I went into the basement to get some of the children's clothes from their closet. I began matching outfits together. I couldn't stop, even though I knew matching clothing was of absolutlely no importance to their survival. I was stuck. It was taking me hours to decide which clothes would look best together. I was afraid the river would swallow me up before I was finished. I was in such a hurry, but I could not stop with what I knew was a useless task.
That is how I woke up.
I was in a house that had many windows. The house was painted white. It was cozy and clean, but it did not feel like home. It was bright inside, but it was getting close to dusk; the shadow filled time of day.
There was a bed inside one of the rooms; one of the only pieces of furniture I could see. Laying on the bed was a giant purple octopus. I was afraid of the octopus, but intrigued.
Inside the room, there was a man standing near to me. I knew he was tall. I did not want to look directly at his face, but I peeked at him out of the corner of my eyes. He had an intense face that was both kind and foreboding. His eyes were almost black and they penetrated into my soul. He told me that he was my dream guide.
I had an overwhelming feeling of anxiety in my dream. The world was ending in some way. I knew this. I was standing in the room with the bed and octopus. From this vantage point, I could see out the front windows as well as the back. There was chaos all around me, and it was as if I were seeing everything as framed, moving photographs.
In the front there was a highway covered in caribou. They were screaming and stumbling and bleeding. Cars were ramming into them without stopping. Most of the caribou were fatally injured. I noticed a calf screaming with it's front left leg broken open into splinters. I knew it was crying for it's mother. She was dead.
In the back there was a giant river that spanned onto a flat valley. I could see a vast mountain range in the distance. The river was rising quickley. I knew it was going to flood. I knew I had to get to safety with the children I was babysitting. The two toddlers and I needed to get out of the house instantly. My maternal instinct was telling me to act as fast as I could. I handed them off to someone who was going to bring them to safety.
Once they were out of the house and safe, I decided to run back to the house to pack some items. I went into the basement to get some of the children's clothes from their closet. I began matching outfits together. I couldn't stop, even though I knew matching clothing was of absolutlely no importance to their survival. I was stuck. It was taking me hours to decide which clothes would look best together. I was afraid the river would swallow me up before I was finished. I was in such a hurry, but I could not stop with what I knew was a useless task.
That is how I woke up.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Still Dreaming of Dreaming
I have not been writing my dreams down each morning. This week there has been two contrasting situations: I have either not slept a wink, so I have not had a dream to interpret.... or I have slept so deeply that when I wake up I am barely conscious enough to even REMEMBER to remember.
This morning I awoke with a distinct feeling that what I had dreamt was of importance. I tried to write my dream down immediately. My pen ran out of ink. By the time I had ran to the office to get a new pen, my dream had slipped back into the deep recesses of my mind.... and I could not recall anything.
It has been a little frustrating. I am honestly trying to be true to this challenge. Not everything works out as planned, and I must remember this. I feel I will have to extend this dream challenge, so that I can gain more from the experience. One month is too short for these deep insights.
This morning I awoke with a distinct feeling that what I had dreamt was of importance. I tried to write my dream down immediately. My pen ran out of ink. By the time I had ran to the office to get a new pen, my dream had slipped back into the deep recesses of my mind.... and I could not recall anything.
It has been a little frustrating. I am honestly trying to be true to this challenge. Not everything works out as planned, and I must remember this. I feel I will have to extend this dream challenge, so that I can gain more from the experience. One month is too short for these deep insights.
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Dreamless Dreamer
As of late, I have been having a difficult time sleeping. Normally I am a restless sleeper. I awake at least twice on a normal night. Lately though, with all the changes in my life.... I have been tossing and turning for hours on end. It has not been helpful at all to this challenge, for if I do not sleep.... I do not dream.
I am on day number eighteen of my dream challenge and despite my lack of sleep, I have been writing my dreams down whenever I possibly can.
When I have slept, one recurrent theme in my dream world has been fast food. This is strange as I hardly, if at all, eat at fast food restaurants. This perplexed me until I looked up the interpretation suggestion on www.dreammoods.com. The explanation of my present fast food obsession completely makes sense to me in this time of stress and big change.
Here is the interpretation:
"To see or eat fast food in your dream indicates that you are not taking the time to cater to your emotions. You are not taking good care of your physical or mental health."
Since I began this challenge, I have noticed a rapid growth in the awareness of my subconscious. It is intriguing to see what my own mind is subtly telling me. I am perplexed and astounded by the complexities of my own dreams, and keeping track of them has piqued my interest even more.
I am on day number eighteen of my dream challenge and despite my lack of sleep, I have been writing my dreams down whenever I possibly can.
When I have slept, one recurrent theme in my dream world has been fast food. This is strange as I hardly, if at all, eat at fast food restaurants. This perplexed me until I looked up the interpretation suggestion on www.dreammoods.com. The explanation of my present fast food obsession completely makes sense to me in this time of stress and big change.
Here is the interpretation:
"To see or eat fast food in your dream indicates that you are not taking the time to cater to your emotions. You are not taking good care of your physical or mental health."
Since I began this challenge, I have noticed a rapid growth in the awareness of my subconscious. It is intriguing to see what my own mind is subtly telling me. I am perplexed and astounded by the complexities of my own dreams, and keeping track of them has piqued my interest even more.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Heartbreak Number One Billion.
It seems my life has experienced much heart break. A difficult time, a difficult thing to face. Difficult to focus. Difficult to wrap my head around it. Difficult, oh... so difficult... to admit, that I am not in love with the love of my life. It is true. I am heartbroken, and yet it seems that I should not be. But I am. When you dream of having children with someone; dream of climbing mountains; dream of travelling; dream of a life.... a very long life with another's face, voice, body and love.... heartbreak hits you hard. Even if you are the one who has chosen this pain.
I am the one who has chosen.... and now I reap the consequences. Jordan's middle sister, who I adore, did not invite me to her birthday. All of my friends were there, and I sat at home alone. She chose this. She did not want me there. She has abandoned me, and I never, ever thought she would. She had said she would always want me in my life, no matter what. She put that idea in my mind and I believed her. You shouldn't have complete faith in what anyone says. Even worse, the face that I have loved and still love is broken. He is broken, although I know he will bounce back quickley. Right now though, it is difficult to face him and look into his eyes. How can you fall out of love? I still love, but at the same time I do not. This eternal question discourages me and makes me question my own beliefs and morals.
We tried to work on it. We tried for a long time. Our relationship sucked. There was a rocky start to it that never seemed to end. To much baggage and too many curve balls. Too many obstacles with too little maturity. It moved too fast, with never a second to think or space to breath. I didn't feel like myself. I did not feel happy. I wanted to feel happy, but most of the time, I really just wanted out. We suddenly became aware of how hard we needed to try. It was not a surprise to me, but it was a surprise to him. He began to try so very hard. He loves me a lot. I had the intention to try, and then I realized, that I really did not want to do it anymore. I was done. I am done with it. No more. I need to focus on what I want. I need to be selfish. I ONLY LIVE ONCE. I can not lie to myself anymore. This is not unfair of me to want to fulfill my own destiny.
God, I tried to have a good life with Jordan. I really, really wanted and intended to have a great life with him. We fell in love hard and we fell in love fast, and that whirlwind never stopped spinning. It sucked us in and never seemed to spit us out. I felt trapped in everything that was so terrible and so wonderful. Much of the time was great.... but much of the time was filled with frustration, sorrow, exasperation, resentment and ultimately depression. How can you ignore that to just keep on trying? I was tired of ignoring my gutt. I was tired of ignoring my mind and heart. I was tired of seeing all of my friends and them thinking that we were so very happy together. After my last relationship disaster, I said I would absolutely never ignore myself again. Well, never say never, because I lied.
I am who I am. I can not change that, and why the hell would I? I am ready for something new in my life. I am ready for change... conscious evolution. I am ready for my life to be mine and only mine. I am ready to find true love, as long as I can still be me. I am ready to face my truth. I am scared and sad and happy and excited. I am courageous, and really, nothing is stopping me now. I want to see what happens. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Ever wonder why this cliche phrase is coined so often? Because it is truth. Truth is repeated by those who see. I know life has something wonderful in store for me. This change, although difficult, is necessary.
I am the one who has chosen.... and now I reap the consequences. Jordan's middle sister, who I adore, did not invite me to her birthday. All of my friends were there, and I sat at home alone. She chose this. She did not want me there. She has abandoned me, and I never, ever thought she would. She had said she would always want me in my life, no matter what. She put that idea in my mind and I believed her. You shouldn't have complete faith in what anyone says. Even worse, the face that I have loved and still love is broken. He is broken, although I know he will bounce back quickley. Right now though, it is difficult to face him and look into his eyes. How can you fall out of love? I still love, but at the same time I do not. This eternal question discourages me and makes me question my own beliefs and morals.
We tried to work on it. We tried for a long time. Our relationship sucked. There was a rocky start to it that never seemed to end. To much baggage and too many curve balls. Too many obstacles with too little maturity. It moved too fast, with never a second to think or space to breath. I didn't feel like myself. I did not feel happy. I wanted to feel happy, but most of the time, I really just wanted out. We suddenly became aware of how hard we needed to try. It was not a surprise to me, but it was a surprise to him. He began to try so very hard. He loves me a lot. I had the intention to try, and then I realized, that I really did not want to do it anymore. I was done. I am done with it. No more. I need to focus on what I want. I need to be selfish. I ONLY LIVE ONCE. I can not lie to myself anymore. This is not unfair of me to want to fulfill my own destiny.
God, I tried to have a good life with Jordan. I really, really wanted and intended to have a great life with him. We fell in love hard and we fell in love fast, and that whirlwind never stopped spinning. It sucked us in and never seemed to spit us out. I felt trapped in everything that was so terrible and so wonderful. Much of the time was great.... but much of the time was filled with frustration, sorrow, exasperation, resentment and ultimately depression. How can you ignore that to just keep on trying? I was tired of ignoring my gutt. I was tired of ignoring my mind and heart. I was tired of seeing all of my friends and them thinking that we were so very happy together. After my last relationship disaster, I said I would absolutely never ignore myself again. Well, never say never, because I lied.
I am who I am. I can not change that, and why the hell would I? I am ready for something new in my life. I am ready for change... conscious evolution. I am ready for my life to be mine and only mine. I am ready to find true love, as long as I can still be me. I am ready to face my truth. I am scared and sad and happy and excited. I am courageous, and really, nothing is stopping me now. I want to see what happens. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Ever wonder why this cliche phrase is coined so often? Because it is truth. Truth is repeated by those who see. I know life has something wonderful in store for me. This change, although difficult, is necessary.
The End and Beginning in a Few Notes
Dreaming Then: March 25, 2010
I have been haunting my past recently. I tend to do this when change is calling my name. This is a poem from a very long time ago. It is so interesting to read poetry from the past and understand something now in the present, what my heart and subconscious knew then, but were fighting ferociously.
In the night I sleep
I see my dreams
More vivid then when I awake
I see my dreams
Of the dreams I dream
During each monotonous day
The dreams I dream
Come true once again
Each dusk when the moon wakes
When I lay in my bed
My sweet dreams come to a head
And my world's sun re-awakes
Once my eyes shut closed
I reopen them in surprise
And under my dreams disguise
I become the person I have said
Each night when I sleep
When I lay down my head
I dream of tomorrow once again
Until the dawn calls my name
My sweet dreams remain
More vivid then when I awake
I dream of my dreams
of the beliefs that I believe
And I dream myself away
to the dreams I see
Each night when my mind wakes
One Moment To Share: March 13, 2010
I wrote a similar version to this entry while I was in Nicaragua. This entry has been re-written to fit my current feelings towards my life and the changes I have been bestowed. The feelings are slightly altered, but the moment stays true to Nicaragua.
Change and adventure are ever-guiding forces in my life. I am so grateful and blessed for the wisdom, knowledge and LOVE that change has continuously brought to me.
Cotton candy and coconut sky.
Dissipate before my eye.
Metamorphosize my stagnant soul.
Before this life takes its toll.
Today beauty has graced my soul... again. Only hours ago I witnessed the most beautiful cloud formation I have ever seen. I was mesmerized. I wanted to hold my breath, make a wish and watch the magic forever. I wanted to keep it forever; that feeling. That feeling of awe.....
Round, fluffy, cotton candy pink clouds sat, layered upon layer of stormy blue and grey. The clouds enveloped the entire sky with their soft purity. One perfect and lucky opening was framed by these visions. An opening to the heavens; to the universe. This opening flashed intermittently with far off lightning. The flashes of lighting were birth and death; they branched into the tree of life. Every time one of the branches tickled a fluffy cloud neighbor, the cloud was warmed with a surreal, glowing amber. I am sure this is the colour of love. The colour of love..... the creation of love. I wanted to touch it. Taste it. That love, that life... that beauty. Beauty is life. Beauty is love.
Until this experience I did not know clouds could look so perfect. I did not know clouds could be the key to my soul. I never considered the possibility. These clouds, for a moment were able to explain everything I have ever questioned, wondered, struggled against or faced. This happens with every perfect moment I have been blessed with in my life. I do not understand how desperately I need that moment until the moment happens. Once the moment passes I contemplate, I try to learn and finally gratitude fills me to my core. Gratitude for the beautiful moment.
Thoughts of getting my camera to take a forever moment, were ignored during this blessing. I was afraid that if I tore my eyes away for one second... the clouds would disappear. I was afraid that moment would dissipate and leave me empty. My fear was in vain, for despite my loyal watch, the clouds DID dissipate before my eye. Gone was my cotton candy and coconut sky. Gone was the most beautiful thing I had ever witnessed in my life..... up until that moment.
Moments disappear, whether I desperately grasp onto them or not. Life is never stagnant. However, they do leave behind residuals. They leave me with a feeling, a memory and possibly a lesson. I understand the metaphor those clouds hold in my current life. I can not force each beautiful moment to stay around forever. Eventually it must come to an end; circumstances must and will CHANGE. I must learn to accept this... and I am.
All I can do is feel lucky to have experienced that moment once. I can show my gratitude. I can hope and pray I will be blessed again with one of life's wonders. If I keep my senses open to the universe, I will be blessed with beauty again soon. For beauty is life. Beauty is love. Beauty happens daily in moments.
The Truthful Truth: February 25, 2010
It is not difficult to summon images of truth, when another puts those vivid images in your head. Those descriptive words were said to the girl. He... the sun, described to the silly girl, the type of woman he wanted to love. In her desperate prose, the girl wrote as if those words were her own. However, the girl did not materialize this idea from thin air nor from her own creative mind. It was the sun who shone light on the woman he would grace with his love. The girl, was not deserving of this amazing man`s beautiful heart. A WOMAN was worthy. That woman will gently hold his heart for eternity, with free flowing hands. She will learn and grow more beautiful each day because HER heart is held within the sun`s fingers also. She the woman, has his love. She, the silly girl.... is still searching. The girl is still grasping at the sun... that wonderful man, screaming and crying and showing her LACK of self-discipline, grace and maturity. The silly girl has lost what she never really won.
A Time of Change: February 2, 2010
Graduating from this incredible program is a great feeling... but this feeling is also mixed with sadness. In a specialty program such Adventure Tourism Business Operations, the class sizes are small and the experiences are big. I have spent so much time with every single class mate of mine, that I feel like we are an oddball mismatched family full of love. You truly get to know many of each person's likes, dislikes, quirks, annoyances, histories, dreams and life stories. Our class has been very close. There have definitely been differences, judgement and conflicts, but that will happen in any group. I have learned that it is a normal part of any team situation. In the end, we all love each other.
A course that combines a vast amount of outdoor adventure and experience really brings people together and teaches conflict resolution, confidence, leadership, friendship and unity. It is unexplainable to anyone who has not had this experience... and completely understandable to anyone who has had a similar experience.
How can you not get to know the people you have spent so many days and nights with? Together... we have backpacked through the spectacular BC mountains. We have learned skills from the best teachers in the world. We have encouraged and consoled when someone couldn't reach their goal or could go no farther. We have criss-crossed each others' fresh pow lines. We have trusted our lives to others. We have laughed. We have kayaked over the ocean and down rivers and then over rapids. We have taken leaps of faith. We have fought and made up. We have woken up too early and went to bed too late. We have been afraid and faced our fears. We have felt the flow experience. We have cheered on our friends. We have granite and crack climbed. We have been amazed by animals and plants. We have listened to loud snoring in the night. We have eaten ichi-ban and bagels too many times. We have joked and learned to appreciate unique senses of humor. We have seen our friends be injured and then recover. We have been humbled. We have loved the weather. We have hated the weather. We have walked on glaciers. We have danced through boulder fields. We have laughed. We have cried. We have come to appreciate our differences. We have shivered and sweat in unison. We have hugged. We have learned. We have felt each others' joy and happiness. We have stressed over final exams and projects. We have surprised ourselves and each other. We have laughed some more. We have frozen our asses off. We have stuck axes in tall waterfalls. We have shared our stories. We have reached our goals. We have banded together in times of need. We have bullshitted around countless fires. We have built quincies and slept in them. We have canoed through a valley. We have camped in beautiful settings. We have helped one another. We have been poor in monetary ways. We have made lifelong memories and lifelong friends. We have been full of excitement and adrenaline. We have seen each other cry or cried ourselves. We have purposefully or accidentally farted. We have presented project after project. We have bounced ideas back and forth. We have drank much too much alcohol for one night. We have tried to be honest when something was not acceptable. We have felt miniscule in the vast expanse of the world and the universe. We have peaked mountain tops. We have followed behind and lead in front of. We have witnessed some of the most spectacular scenery that nature has to offer. We have been lucky and blessed.
For me, one word stands out in this all. Together. We were together through it all. I will miss each person so very much. But, change always comes and I welcome it with an open heart. We graduated on the night of a full moon. A full moon signifies a time of change. It couldn't have been more fitting. I say Goodbye to an inspiring time of my life full of amazing life lessons, people and experience. I say hello to whatever else I will be lucky enough to experience next.
I have been haunting my past recently. I tend to do this when change is calling my name. This is a poem from a very long time ago. It is so interesting to read poetry from the past and understand something now in the present, what my heart and subconscious knew then, but were fighting ferociously.
In the night I sleep
I see my dreams
More vivid then when I awake
I see my dreams
Of the dreams I dream
During each monotonous day
The dreams I dream
Come true once again
Each dusk when the moon wakes
When I lay in my bed
My sweet dreams come to a head
And my world's sun re-awakes
Once my eyes shut closed
I reopen them in surprise
And under my dreams disguise
I become the person I have said
Each night when I sleep
When I lay down my head
I dream of tomorrow once again
Until the dawn calls my name
My sweet dreams remain
More vivid then when I awake
I dream of my dreams
of the beliefs that I believe
And I dream myself away
to the dreams I see
Each night when my mind wakes
One Moment To Share: March 13, 2010
I wrote a similar version to this entry while I was in Nicaragua. This entry has been re-written to fit my current feelings towards my life and the changes I have been bestowed. The feelings are slightly altered, but the moment stays true to Nicaragua.
Change and adventure are ever-guiding forces in my life. I am so grateful and blessed for the wisdom, knowledge and LOVE that change has continuously brought to me.
Cotton candy and coconut sky.
Dissipate before my eye.
Metamorphosize my stagnant soul.
Before this life takes its toll.
Today beauty has graced my soul... again. Only hours ago I witnessed the most beautiful cloud formation I have ever seen. I was mesmerized. I wanted to hold my breath, make a wish and watch the magic forever. I wanted to keep it forever; that feeling. That feeling of awe.....
Round, fluffy, cotton candy pink clouds sat, layered upon layer of stormy blue and grey. The clouds enveloped the entire sky with their soft purity. One perfect and lucky opening was framed by these visions. An opening to the heavens; to the universe. This opening flashed intermittently with far off lightning. The flashes of lighting were birth and death; they branched into the tree of life. Every time one of the branches tickled a fluffy cloud neighbor, the cloud was warmed with a surreal, glowing amber. I am sure this is the colour of love. The colour of love..... the creation of love. I wanted to touch it. Taste it. That love, that life... that beauty. Beauty is life. Beauty is love.
Until this experience I did not know clouds could look so perfect. I did not know clouds could be the key to my soul. I never considered the possibility. These clouds, for a moment were able to explain everything I have ever questioned, wondered, struggled against or faced. This happens with every perfect moment I have been blessed with in my life. I do not understand how desperately I need that moment until the moment happens. Once the moment passes I contemplate, I try to learn and finally gratitude fills me to my core. Gratitude for the beautiful moment.
Thoughts of getting my camera to take a forever moment, were ignored during this blessing. I was afraid that if I tore my eyes away for one second... the clouds would disappear. I was afraid that moment would dissipate and leave me empty. My fear was in vain, for despite my loyal watch, the clouds DID dissipate before my eye. Gone was my cotton candy and coconut sky. Gone was the most beautiful thing I had ever witnessed in my life..... up until that moment.
Moments disappear, whether I desperately grasp onto them or not. Life is never stagnant. However, they do leave behind residuals. They leave me with a feeling, a memory and possibly a lesson. I understand the metaphor those clouds hold in my current life. I can not force each beautiful moment to stay around forever. Eventually it must come to an end; circumstances must and will CHANGE. I must learn to accept this... and I am.
All I can do is feel lucky to have experienced that moment once. I can show my gratitude. I can hope and pray I will be blessed again with one of life's wonders. If I keep my senses open to the universe, I will be blessed with beauty again soon. For beauty is life. Beauty is love. Beauty happens daily in moments.
The Truthful Truth: February 25, 2010
It is not difficult to summon images of truth, when another puts those vivid images in your head. Those descriptive words were said to the girl. He... the sun, described to the silly girl, the type of woman he wanted to love. In her desperate prose, the girl wrote as if those words were her own. However, the girl did not materialize this idea from thin air nor from her own creative mind. It was the sun who shone light on the woman he would grace with his love. The girl, was not deserving of this amazing man`s beautiful heart. A WOMAN was worthy. That woman will gently hold his heart for eternity, with free flowing hands. She will learn and grow more beautiful each day because HER heart is held within the sun`s fingers also. She the woman, has his love. She, the silly girl.... is still searching. The girl is still grasping at the sun... that wonderful man, screaming and crying and showing her LACK of self-discipline, grace and maturity. The silly girl has lost what she never really won.
A Time of Change: February 2, 2010
Graduating from this incredible program is a great feeling... but this feeling is also mixed with sadness. In a specialty program such Adventure Tourism Business Operations, the class sizes are small and the experiences are big. I have spent so much time with every single class mate of mine, that I feel like we are an oddball mismatched family full of love. You truly get to know many of each person's likes, dislikes, quirks, annoyances, histories, dreams and life stories. Our class has been very close. There have definitely been differences, judgement and conflicts, but that will happen in any group. I have learned that it is a normal part of any team situation. In the end, we all love each other.
A course that combines a vast amount of outdoor adventure and experience really brings people together and teaches conflict resolution, confidence, leadership, friendship and unity. It is unexplainable to anyone who has not had this experience... and completely understandable to anyone who has had a similar experience.
How can you not get to know the people you have spent so many days and nights with? Together... we have backpacked through the spectacular BC mountains. We have learned skills from the best teachers in the world. We have encouraged and consoled when someone couldn't reach their goal or could go no farther. We have criss-crossed each others' fresh pow lines. We have trusted our lives to others. We have laughed. We have kayaked over the ocean and down rivers and then over rapids. We have taken leaps of faith. We have fought and made up. We have woken up too early and went to bed too late. We have been afraid and faced our fears. We have felt the flow experience. We have cheered on our friends. We have granite and crack climbed. We have been amazed by animals and plants. We have listened to loud snoring in the night. We have eaten ichi-ban and bagels too many times. We have joked and learned to appreciate unique senses of humor. We have seen our friends be injured and then recover. We have been humbled. We have loved the weather. We have hated the weather. We have walked on glaciers. We have danced through boulder fields. We have laughed. We have cried. We have come to appreciate our differences. We have shivered and sweat in unison. We have hugged. We have learned. We have felt each others' joy and happiness. We have stressed over final exams and projects. We have surprised ourselves and each other. We have laughed some more. We have frozen our asses off. We have stuck axes in tall waterfalls. We have shared our stories. We have reached our goals. We have banded together in times of need. We have bullshitted around countless fires. We have built quincies and slept in them. We have canoed through a valley. We have camped in beautiful settings. We have helped one another. We have been poor in monetary ways. We have made lifelong memories and lifelong friends. We have been full of excitement and adrenaline. We have seen each other cry or cried ourselves. We have purposefully or accidentally farted. We have presented project after project. We have bounced ideas back and forth. We have drank much too much alcohol for one night. We have tried to be honest when something was not acceptable. We have felt miniscule in the vast expanse of the world and the universe. We have peaked mountain tops. We have followed behind and lead in front of. We have witnessed some of the most spectacular scenery that nature has to offer. We have been lucky and blessed.
For me, one word stands out in this all. Together. We were together through it all. I will miss each person so very much. But, change always comes and I welcome it with an open heart. We graduated on the night of a full moon. A full moon signifies a time of change. It couldn't have been more fitting. I say Goodbye to an inspiring time of my life full of amazing life lessons, people and experience. I say hello to whatever else I will be lucky enough to experience next.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Shitty.... Literally
Last night I had many dreams all rolling into one. Each dream I was either on a bridge above a stadium or high up in some cedar trees. Different people were with me. I was frequently looking down at what was going on below me. There was shit everywhere. People were shitting their pants. It was disgusting. I could not get away from it. I was revolted, and I was afraid the feces would touch me.
I don't think I was ever fully sleeping for much longer than half an hour. Last nights dream(s) seemed to never end. My life right now feels like my dream: shitty.
Here are the interpretations quoted from www.dreammoods.com
*I couldn't find anything to specifically describe looking below me, but I did find two similar descriptions for below and down; the interpretations embarass me:
"To see something below you in your dream indicates that you are looking down on
others. You feel that you are are too good for someone or for a situation. Alternatively, the
dream suggests that you are delving into your unconscious."
"To dream that you are moving down suggests that you have made a wrong decision or
headed toward the wrong direction in life. Alternatively, the ream may be a pun on "feeling
down" or depressed. "Going down" may also sexual connotation and be a metaphor for oral
sex."
Cedar Tree:
"To see a cedar in your dream symbolizes longevity, durability, strength, endurance and immortality. The dream may be trying to offer reassurance during a difficult time in your life."
Feces:
"To see or come in contact with feces signifies aspects of yourself that are dirty and negative and which you believe to be undesirable and repulsive. You need to acknowledge and express these feelings, even though it may be shameful. Release the negativity in your life. Alternatively, it may also refer to someone who is anal retentive.To dream that you are unable to dispose of the feces suggests that you are unwilling to let go of your emotions. You have a tendency to hold in and keep your feelings to yourself. According to Freud, feces is related to possession, pride, shame, money/financial matters, or aggressive acts."
Stadium:
"To see or dream that you are in a stadium represents your determination to succeed and
achieve your goals. You need to be more active, aggressive, and bold."
I don't think I was ever fully sleeping for much longer than half an hour. Last nights dream(s) seemed to never end. My life right now feels like my dream: shitty.
Here are the interpretations quoted from www.dreammoods.com
*I couldn't find anything to specifically describe looking below me, but I did find two similar descriptions for below and down; the interpretations embarass me:
"To see something below you in your dream indicates that you are looking down on
others. You feel that you are are too good for someone or for a situation. Alternatively, the
dream suggests that you are delving into your unconscious."
"To dream that you are moving down suggests that you have made a wrong decision or
headed toward the wrong direction in life. Alternatively, the ream may be a pun on "feeling
down" or depressed. "Going down" may also sexual connotation and be a metaphor for oral
sex."
Cedar Tree:
"To see a cedar in your dream symbolizes longevity, durability, strength, endurance and immortality. The dream may be trying to offer reassurance during a difficult time in your life."
Feces:
"To see or come in contact with feces signifies aspects of yourself that are dirty and negative and which you believe to be undesirable and repulsive. You need to acknowledge and express these feelings, even though it may be shameful. Release the negativity in your life. Alternatively, it may also refer to someone who is anal retentive.To dream that you are unable to dispose of the feces suggests that you are unwilling to let go of your emotions. You have a tendency to hold in and keep your feelings to yourself. According to Freud, feces is related to possession, pride, shame, money/financial matters, or aggressive acts."
Stadium:
"To see or dream that you are in a stadium represents your determination to succeed and
achieve your goals. You need to be more active, aggressive, and bold."
Monday, August 22, 2011
I Dream in Colour
My life as of late, has been experiencing much change. Turmoil, upset and different paths, have been forcing me to see certain areas of my life that need an overhaul. On day two of my challenge, I experienced a vivid dream that may reflect how I have been feeling.
I was standing on a beach looking out at the ocean ahead of me. It was night time. The moon was full in the sky, and it's glow was reflecting upon the waves in a bright amber orange. The moon was over-sized and slightly to my left. There was white surf was rolling in, but it was not quite lapping at my bare toes. To my left, San Franciso was alight with city life. Brightly lit skyscrapers were towering high into the sky, miles from where I stood. The city was bustling and awake, despite the late hour.... around me though, it was calm.
Close beside me to my left, a photographer was standing. I could not see his face, but I knew he was tall. He and I were discussing my romantic relationships. We were talking about a past relationship; one that, in my waking life, I have not thought about in detail for quite some time. In my dream, Tyler and I had just broken up. I was telling the photographer that I did not want to rush into any relationship. I was explaining that I have always rushed into relationships, but with Tyler.... I said I had not done this.
After a while, I noticed a large ship anchored near the shore (again to my left). I began throwing a large red ball out to the people on the ship. We were throwing the ball back and forth. At one point the photographer caught the ball. He threw the ball far into the ocean, away from the ship. He told me that I should go get it. I didn't want to. I felt afraid. I was afraid of what was beneath the water. He wanted to photograph me scuba diving, which is apparently what we were at the beach to do. He reasoned that I may as well dive in after the ball, since I had to go in at some point. I kept stalling because of my fear, but I was trying very hard to seem unafraid.
Despite my fear of the unknown, I distinctly felt a deep knowledge for what I would see under the water. I could vividly imagine what was there. I knew that there was a large purple and pink octopus. I knew there were many brightly coloured fish and corals and sea plants. It was beautiful all around me. However, I was afraid of the octopus. I was not sure if it was friend or foe. I did not want it to touch me.
At some point I ended up in a vehicle. It is unclear why or how I was then in a vehicle, but I do know that I was driving from Nicholson to Golden (although, it still distinctly felt like Kimberley). Several of my friends from Kimberley were in the vehicle with me. We were all discussing love lives. There is much more to this concept than what I am writing, but I feel the need to respect privacy of myself and others. On that note, that is all that I will say about this certain dream aspect.
The entire dream focused fully on the idea of not rushing into any type of relationship. There was calm feeling for most of the dream, but also an underlying fearful anxiety. The dream was vivid and for the most part not confusing (except for how I ended up in a vehicle). It definitely brought up some interesting feelings and concepts that I have thought about these past few days.
I decided to look up some of the key aspects of my dream on the internet. One site that had several interesting interpretations was: www.dreammoods.com. I quote this sites interpretations below.
I thoroughly enjoyed what the interpretation for an ocean was.
"To see an ocean in your dream represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal. Alternatively, the dream means that you are feeling empowered and unhindered. You have a positive outlook in life and are not limited by anything. If you are sailing across the ocean, then it signifies new found freedom and independence. You are showing great courage."
I was unable to find "ship" listed in the dream dictionary, but I did find boat.
"To dream that you are in or see a boat signifies your ability to cope with and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether it is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself. The dream could be telling you not to rock the boat and to stay out of harm's way."
The idea for skyscraper was quite intriguing.
"To see a skyscraper in your dream represents your high ideals, creativity, accomplishments and imagination. You always aim high at whatever you do. The skyscraper is seen as a metaphor for the fore-sights and achievements of man. Alternatively, the dream represents the phallus."
The symbolism for ball made me giggle.
"To see or play with a ball in your dream symbolizes completeness and wholeness. It may also indicate that you need to be more in tune with the inner child within. The dream may also be a metaphor for the testicles. Consider also the phrase, "he's got balls" to indicate guts and strength."
I also looked up what a city may mean in general:
"To see a city in your dream signifies your social environment and sense of community. If you dream of a big city, then it suggests that you need to develop closer ties and relationships. You are feeling alienated and alone."
I looked for the direction left since everything in my dream was on my left hand side.
"To dream of the direction left symbolizes the unconscious and your repressed thoughts/emotions. It is an indication of passivity."
This is the closest idea I could find to the photographer in my dream.
"To dream that you are a photographer represents your desire to hold on to a certain image, time or period in your life."
The interpretation for the colour red was in reference to the large red ball that I was playing with.
"Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage, impulsiveness and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations. Consider the phrase "seeing red" to denote anger. Alternatively, the color red in your dream indicates a lack of energy. You are feeling tired or lethargic.
Red is also the color of danger, violence, blood, shame, rejection, sexual impulses and urges. Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions."
I identified the most with the first suggestion for what an octopus may mean.
"To see an octopus in your dream, means that you are entangled in some difficult matter. Your judgment is being clouded. Alternatively, the octopus indicates that you are overly possessive and maybe too clingy in a relationship".
I was standing on a beach looking out at the ocean ahead of me. It was night time. The moon was full in the sky, and it's glow was reflecting upon the waves in a bright amber orange. The moon was over-sized and slightly to my left. There was white surf was rolling in, but it was not quite lapping at my bare toes. To my left, San Franciso was alight with city life. Brightly lit skyscrapers were towering high into the sky, miles from where I stood. The city was bustling and awake, despite the late hour.... around me though, it was calm.
Close beside me to my left, a photographer was standing. I could not see his face, but I knew he was tall. He and I were discussing my romantic relationships. We were talking about a past relationship; one that, in my waking life, I have not thought about in detail for quite some time. In my dream, Tyler and I had just broken up. I was telling the photographer that I did not want to rush into any relationship. I was explaining that I have always rushed into relationships, but with Tyler.... I said I had not done this.
After a while, I noticed a large ship anchored near the shore (again to my left). I began throwing a large red ball out to the people on the ship. We were throwing the ball back and forth. At one point the photographer caught the ball. He threw the ball far into the ocean, away from the ship. He told me that I should go get it. I didn't want to. I felt afraid. I was afraid of what was beneath the water. He wanted to photograph me scuba diving, which is apparently what we were at the beach to do. He reasoned that I may as well dive in after the ball, since I had to go in at some point. I kept stalling because of my fear, but I was trying very hard to seem unafraid.
Despite my fear of the unknown, I distinctly felt a deep knowledge for what I would see under the water. I could vividly imagine what was there. I knew that there was a large purple and pink octopus. I knew there were many brightly coloured fish and corals and sea plants. It was beautiful all around me. However, I was afraid of the octopus. I was not sure if it was friend or foe. I did not want it to touch me.
At some point I ended up in a vehicle. It is unclear why or how I was then in a vehicle, but I do know that I was driving from Nicholson to Golden (although, it still distinctly felt like Kimberley). Several of my friends from Kimberley were in the vehicle with me. We were all discussing love lives. There is much more to this concept than what I am writing, but I feel the need to respect privacy of myself and others. On that note, that is all that I will say about this certain dream aspect.
The entire dream focused fully on the idea of not rushing into any type of relationship. There was calm feeling for most of the dream, but also an underlying fearful anxiety. The dream was vivid and for the most part not confusing (except for how I ended up in a vehicle). It definitely brought up some interesting feelings and concepts that I have thought about these past few days.
I decided to look up some of the key aspects of my dream on the internet. One site that had several interesting interpretations was: www.dreammoods.com. I quote this sites interpretations below.
I thoroughly enjoyed what the interpretation for an ocean was.
"To see an ocean in your dream represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal. Alternatively, the dream means that you are feeling empowered and unhindered. You have a positive outlook in life and are not limited by anything. If you are sailing across the ocean, then it signifies new found freedom and independence. You are showing great courage."
I was unable to find "ship" listed in the dream dictionary, but I did find boat.
"To dream that you are in or see a boat signifies your ability to cope with and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether it is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself. The dream could be telling you not to rock the boat and to stay out of harm's way."
The idea for skyscraper was quite intriguing.
"To see a skyscraper in your dream represents your high ideals, creativity, accomplishments and imagination. You always aim high at whatever you do. The skyscraper is seen as a metaphor for the fore-sights and achievements of man. Alternatively, the dream represents the phallus."
The symbolism for ball made me giggle.
"To see or play with a ball in your dream symbolizes completeness and wholeness. It may also indicate that you need to be more in tune with the inner child within. The dream may also be a metaphor for the testicles. Consider also the phrase, "he's got balls" to indicate guts and strength."
I also looked up what a city may mean in general:
"To see a city in your dream signifies your social environment and sense of community. If you dream of a big city, then it suggests that you need to develop closer ties and relationships. You are feeling alienated and alone."
I looked for the direction left since everything in my dream was on my left hand side.
"To dream of the direction left symbolizes the unconscious and your repressed thoughts/emotions. It is an indication of passivity."
This is the closest idea I could find to the photographer in my dream.
"To dream that you are a photographer represents your desire to hold on to a certain image, time or period in your life."
The interpretation for the colour red was in reference to the large red ball that I was playing with.
"Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage, impulsiveness and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations. Consider the phrase "seeing red" to denote anger. Alternatively, the color red in your dream indicates a lack of energy. You are feeling tired or lethargic.
Red is also the color of danger, violence, blood, shame, rejection, sexual impulses and urges. Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions."
I identified the most with the first suggestion for what an octopus may mean.
"To see an octopus in your dream, means that you are entangled in some difficult matter. Your judgment is being clouded. Alternatively, the octopus indicates that you are overly possessive and maybe too clingy in a relationship".
Lazy, Hazy, Daze
Tracking my dreams has been a very interesting task. I have noticed that when I first begin to write down my dream, my mind feels confused and hazy. Once I begin to write out some of the obscure details that I can remember, the haze seems to clear and I am able to recall more and more of my night time message.
I have to admit that tracking my dreams has not been an easy task. I am someone who enjoys the slow waking of my morning slumber. I like to take my time when I get out of bed, sometimes drifting back to sleep for minutes at at time. This is not exactly conducive to my dream tracking. To remember my dreams, I absolutely must write in my journal almost immediately. If I do not, that confused haze takes over and I very soon forget.
I have been able to track my dreams about half of the seven days that I have been challenging myself. If I am to succeed in gaining more insight into myself, I need to have more discipline from now on. I must force myself to express my dream in writing, as soon as my eyes flutter open for the first time.
I have to admit that tracking my dreams has not been an easy task. I am someone who enjoys the slow waking of my morning slumber. I like to take my time when I get out of bed, sometimes drifting back to sleep for minutes at at time. This is not exactly conducive to my dream tracking. To remember my dreams, I absolutely must write in my journal almost immediately. If I do not, that confused haze takes over and I very soon forget.
I have been able to track my dreams about half of the seven days that I have been challenging myself. If I am to succeed in gaining more insight into myself, I need to have more discipline from now on. I must force myself to express my dream in writing, as soon as my eyes flutter open for the first time.
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