Stronger than I know

Almost everyone who has written to me about this forced life change I am dealing with, has said that I am strong. Even people I do not know well. They see something in me that at this moment, I am blind to. Slowly the foggy goggles will become clearer I am sure. Right at this moment.... it is difficult to have faith. I am afraid of it all. I am afraid of being single again. Before Simon... I was a happy single girl, full of life and mischief. Then I met Simon... and I was happy to give that up. Willing to give it up for the special way that I felt about this one truly special man. Before Simon, I didn't even think love would again be in the stars for me. I felt that I had already been given my chance(s). I was blessed twice. I didn't want to be greedy and keep asking for seconds (although, I was tempted to ask the night hip-hop came into my life; whole other story). True... I had my fair share of men who had fallen in love with ME before Simon. I had broken all of those hearts. Every single one. To this day I still feel guilty about Kaleb.... He was my passionate, scorpio, poet; obsessed with the stars above, with a heart begging to be filled up. He was madly in love with me... I just did not feel the same. I lead him on while I was trying to conjure up the feelings I so wanted to feel, in the end my facade was revealed. The poems he wrote to me are all I have left. Maybe now I am being punished for that? Regardless of the reasoning, the full circle has been run now and I don't want to run the single trail again. It scares me. It intimidates me. The idea of meeting other men does not entice me... despite the fact that I tend to only attract the most handsome men. The men other women go ga-ga for. Still not excited. There are too many variables.... too many what if's. What if I never meet the man of my dreams.... what if I am not the woman of any man's dreams. What if men don't even matter... what if I am meant to fall in love with a woman? The what if's at the end of a break-up are the scariest kind. Too open ended. I normally love risk and adventure... but right now I want comfort and familiarity. I miss his smell, I miss his voice, I miss his smile. There are many, many things that I do not miss also. I MUST remember those. I must also remember: I AM stronger than I know. My strength has maneuvered me between many obstacles, surprises, heartaches and heartbreaks before. Everything will be okay.

Said too fast

I said okay, when you said you wanted to be friends... despite the fear I felt. I went against my gut reaction to just cut you out of my life. I believed you would stay my friend. I believed you when you said you did not want to lose me completely. So I said okay. Look where that has got us. Are we friends? No. Did we need time to heal first? Yes. I wish you would stick to your word.... but that was always something I did not like about you. One thing that we argued about frequently. You could never hold a promise and fulfill it. I should have known. Silly me. Goodbye... I love you. I love you... goodbye. Those are quite possibly the most difficult words I have ever had to say. I never thought it would be said to you, but then again.... before I met you... I never thought I could love again.

On the tip of my tongue

I am losing my life
I am losing my love
I am losing it all for you
But I want you to live
I want you to strive
I want you to be happy too

You are the only man
Who has truly known me
Every secret, fear, every tear
Some of it you kept safe
Some of it you did not
Much was thrown in my face

I want to run home
Call your name
See your big, goofy smile
But I will not
I just can not
This time I must stay away

With all of my energy
From my nose to my toes
I feel that this is so wrong
But we have tried and failed before
So this must be right
This time I must stay strong

I want to hold you tight
Hold you close
Never let you go
But I will not
I just can not
You are no longer my home

I am sorry to you
I am sorry to me
I am sorry to all of our friends
This has lasted too long
I knew all along
It must eventually end

I will never forget
You are the love of my life
But so too was he
I know that bothered you
It bothered me too
My love was never set free

You loved her more too
I know that about you
But it is all now okay
I understand
It is very difficult
To love another the same way

I have never stopped
Loving any of them
Neither dear will you
That is just how it is
When you give a piece of your heart
You love each one through and through

If she never left
You would have stayed with her forever
That is what I felt too
But he did leave
So did she
Eventually I met you

I tried my best
My sweet, sweet man
I could not fulfill your needs
You: a house, a car, some kids
Me: Adventure, travel, school
We wanted different things

You knew that too
That I would never be as settled as you
That is why you loved me so
I brought in a spark
I brought in some flight
Now my dear, I must let go

My compass points North
Towards the stars above
Your compass points South
Now we can trek
In the opposite directions we pull
We can follow our hearts and souls

You are my sweet, sweet love
The love in my laugh
The love on the tip of my tongue
But I need you to go
As you already know
As we both have known for way too long

I will never forget
Never wish it were not you
If I did I would be a fool
The memories we have
The laughter we shared
Are once in a life time I am sure

Do you remember those skies?
Those beautiful skies?
That first marked our love as true
I never want to lose
All those beautiful views
I hope neither do you

My only wish
Is that the unkind things we both said
Are forgotten by both you and I
As soon as we heal
We can not take it all back
But let us try to remember how we both truly feel

You are a beautiful man
A beautiful being
Before you there were many things
I would not have done
Some so good and some so bad
But most things have just begun

I feel happy to be free
To do as I please
To rope the adventure I so crave
But I love you still
I still wish this were not so
I am trying very hard to be brave

You are my best friend
Out of all my loves you will be the one
To stay my best friend
That is the type of person that you are
You were the best lover I have known too
I truly wish this did not have to end

This is not goodbye
Just a new type of life
An adjustment for both of us I am sure
I know you will be close by
With your arms open to me
And your beautiful, dimpled smile wide

A time of waste

I do not like to waste my time. You never get those precious moments back. Never. I should have payed attention to my inner reactions. I knew this was not right.

One Week

One week is all it takes. One week and your possibilities in life can completely change. One week... and everything you felt the week before can melt away. One week can change your life. One week and you can become hopeful again. One week and you can remember yourself again. Only one week.

To you... my love. No Regrets.

If I could take it all back I would. I can't believe this is you and me now. The man I loved so much.... the person with whome I shared every satisfied sigh, every ecstacy full scream. The person who made me feel like I was never going to stop feeling sexy, special, silly or safe. If I could take back everything that has been said I would. I would. I would..... I would. Believe me my dear, I never dreamed that our lives would have this much struggle, pain or the word that I don't want to say: unhappiness. I hate that word. Regret. Regret, is not something I feel lately. Regret is for those that have lost... but I still have you. For how much longer? I can't be sure. Regret? No, no.... regret. I just feel numb. Glossy eyes with the look of prescription drugs. Numb from my beautiful peach, which is now a dried up pit of emptiness, all the way deep into my inner most soul. You can knock, knock, but nobody is home. Nobody is home. Curled up into a ball so tight I may never be able to break free. Tied up with rope around my wrists and ankles... with a side helping of duct tape over my mouth. We are in hiding. For fear of what? For fear of us. The disc golfing, taeboing, hiking, giggling, dreaming, comforting, playing, sharing, decoupaging, cooking, creating, running, whispering, laughing, loving, sweet, sweet lovers are gone. I don't know if they will ever come back. They are people I don't recognize anymore. I don't recognize you at all. Who are you? I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss ME..... I fucking miss me. Where do I go from here? I don't know.... but I can't stay here. This place is killing me. It's killing you. I just can not believe the words that these walls have heard, seen. Where is that sparkle? We have killed the sparks, we have killed it all. Thrown water on the fire works and walked away as they sizzled to a stop. I miss you. So much. Where are you? Where am I? I don't know anymore and I am lost. My compass is broken. I only know that I can't stay here. This ground it too toxic to stand on.

Someones eyes

Eyes. Eyes are the mirror into the soul, and I have always been a sucker for a good soul. A soul with heart, a soul full of love. Especially when that love is for me. I have seen many sets of eyes with an image of love to draw me in... but only two green eyes have ever really mattered. These eyes could draw me in and twirl me around. They could dance with me, laugh with me, love with me. These eyes could make me blush or make my mind dizzy with ecstacy. These eyes were the first I have ever loved... and the first to love me. They knew who I was, what I was, why I was, more than I could ever even know for myself. But they closed to me a long time ago... and have not opened since. If I could go back in time, I would bring glasses for myself. Through these clear truth-givers I would see where I was and when I would be okay. I would choose then to be okay, and then maybe those eyes would have kept looking into mine.

Why do you use the same dagger over and over?

You know it hurts me.
You know it does not help you in the long run.
So why do you keep shooting yourself in the foot?
You know it hurts me.
You know there is more to this world than black and white.
Thousands of colours between your silly spectrum.
So why do you keep painting with the same brush?
You know that I see every colour.
You know who I am.
You tell me that you love the person that I am.
So why do you keep telling me how wrong it is what I do?
You know that my beliefs are important to me.
You know that I love you.
You know that I want to make this work.
So why do you keep stabbing me with the same dagger?
It hurts more every time.
One of these times I will walk away with it.
I won't come back, and the dagger will be permanently mine.

Today I saw something that made me rage....

Have you ever seen something skinned alive? Have you looked into the eyes of a creature who's outer shell has been stripped away? Have you seen the pain and suffering of something so beautiful and confused that has now been tortured needlessly? I have. I have seen the eyes of a beautiful tiny fox.... glossy with pain and confusion.... after it has been skinned alive. After it's most basic protection has been taken from it for human frivolty. So some fucking rich society slutt can prance around in it's fur and pretend that class is something that comes from 'things'. But,class has nothing to do with 'things'. Class has nothing to do with money. Class has nothing to do with power. It has everything to do with having a concience and conducting yourself like a being on this planet. Not a monster. Without a concience our society has no need to worry about silly things such as 'ethics', 'morality', 'fairness' and 'compassion'. I am so fucking tired of the blindfolds people walk around with over their eyes. Pretending not to notice... or using denial as a self preservation tool so real issues do not have to be discussed. In the entire scheme of things.... skinning a helpless animal alive does not even register on the scale of fucked up shit about our world. That fact scares me. And it should scare every single person out there. Our species is so far from the noble, spiritual, compassionate, worldly and environmentally knowledgeable human beings that we once were that we have become something different all together. We have become self absorbed, clueless, consumption hungry monsters. Open your fucking eyes people. Stop shying away.... you want to have a great happy life? Trust me, in the next 10 years we are definately not headed in the happy direction. Disaster is more the term I would use. It is going to take a lot of work to get this world back where nature intended it to be so start to get involved, and as we are nature also.... well, maybe you should work on yourself a little too. Do something worth wile for a change, that doesn't include getting trashed every second weekend and buying 3 pairs of new shoes tomorrow. I am sorry if I have offended anyone. I am tired of playing nice though. I need real people to help me in this world full of real issues. Let's make a difference. Do everything you can to spread some change and hope. It only takes an angry post like this (or a positive one also) to possibly make someone at least question their day to day life. I have been questioning many things in my life. It is not easy to admit wrong or realize that you need to change, but it is essential to our human survival, both physically and spiritually. It all starts with education. Go to www.freedocumentaries.org

Hit the road Jack.

See ya,
Bon Voyage...
Ta ta!
Ciao.
Get lost.
About time you left my mind.
You are finally gone.
For now and forever,
Isn't that what we used to say?
Funny... I didn't even write that on purpose.
It has taken me this long,
to realize YOU lost out. NOT me.
And I am so very happy THANKS.
It is the dawn of a new age.
One without your face.
One without the memories of you.
The stupid memories...
Filled with my stupid naivety.
And the naivety... just filled with my stupidity.
And the stupidity all summed up in my missing you.
My missing you meant being emotionally unfaithful...
to myself and the ones I have loved since.
The summer before last,
that experience, it just makes me cringe.
And makes me wonder...
What the hell did I expect?
That you were even a sprinkling of the same person?
That I was?
That love lost would become love refound?
At least I finally tried.
And at least I finally learned.
What it is like to feel my skin crawl;
what it is like to truly lose you.
Because the you I remember faded a long time ago.
We were young... we were stupid...
and I was just plain blinded.
Blinded by something amazing.
But something that will never again be.
It is gone....
the love was gone a long time ago.
It just took me this long to finally realize it.
I didn't want to let go, because so long ago,
I let it all define me.
But that is not who I am.
It is not who I have grown to be.
It is not who I have worked so hard to love.
It's ME I love. NOT YOU!
You, the you that you are now... I could never love.
Never again. Bye-bye!
Hit the road Jack.
fUCKING ENOUGH ALREADY.