One happy girl

I am so very happy. Things in my life have been so good since September (minus a few road bumps). I just wanted to express my gratitude to the universe. I am excited to see what awaits me in the next 5 months. I know it will be beautiful, whatever it is I do, learn and experience.

Hot Springs and Tom Petty.

Ironic. Ironic. Ironic. But, fitting. I love you. You won't understand this post.... but it doesn't matter.

It took you too long

I was thinking today, that it just took you way too long to finally figure out everything I was trying to say when we were together. I now know that learning curves can not be forced and sometimes they only really curve when the lesson is written in stone. Goodbye forever. I no longer want you back. I love you my friend. That is it... that is all.

New

I feel something new coming around the corner. I will not say what that new something is yet. It is just new. And it is just you.

Upside Down

I heard a hesitant knock on my door. I opened it. I was startled to see you. It was so good to see you. Walking with you was so very good, but frightening. I wish we could walk together like that and laugh like that forever. I wish we could have always then... and not focussed on what we couldn't do together. I still love you. I feel a little upside down today. Seeing you always does that to me. It makes me remember how much I miss you. I am glad we can be friends though, it makes it a little more bearable.

Stab myself in the back

I know that the things that go wrong in my life are because of me. Mind over matter. I know this... yet I still stab myself in the back. Hopefully soon, I will learn enough to stop. The stab wounds in my back never stop bleeding.

Gratititude

I am greatful for many things
the sun on my face
the snow on the mountains
the cuddle of my kitties as they sleep beside me
I am greatful for the friends I have met
for the friends that I miss
for the relationship I hold with my younger brothers
for the knowledge of beauty that I hold dear
I am greatful for the way my life has come full circle
greatful for all of my second chances I have had lately
greatful for all the memories I am lucky enough to share
greatful for my strong and healthy body
I am greatful for my persistence
my choices in my life so far, whether good or bad
my need to create art and express my inner self
my ability to smile and to see smiles
Most of all... I am greatful to be alive
I only live once
I am living life the way I choose
I love my life and the person that I am
I am greatful for many things because gratitude knows best

Full Circle

I am back in Golden. Life is full of circles.... I have come full circle. Being back sofar has been incredible. It has also been a little lonely. I am meeting so many people that are happy, free-spirited and open.... but I miss the people who know me best. It is so strange to feel lonely when you are surrounded by friends. This is how I am feeling right now. There is something to be said of being around a person who knows you through and through... I miss that. I miss you my friends. I love you.

Sparkly

I was in the coffee house today. I was introduced to her. She looked at me and said "Wow... you are sparkly". I was not wearing anything with sparkles, no make-up... nothing shiny. But I knew exactly what she meant. I know that this is the difference between me and most people in this world. The fact that I am sparkly and full of life. I have always known I am sparkly. It is interesting to meet someone else who was able to see that right away. She must be sparkly too.

Such is life.

I have decided that I need to find out for myself.
I know you have changed. I could feel it when
I saw you last.
Rougher around the edges.... a bit of an asshole.
Why? You used to be such a sweet, respectful,
good person.
What made you so angry and arrogant.
Well, fear is what creates anger and insecurity
is what creates arrogance.
Are you those things?
I have been told that you are.
That you disrespect women. Look down on them.
That you are a sleazy man.
That is so sad.
You used to have the world in your hands.
So sad to lose a good person like you used to be.
We need less people like you are now in this world...
and more people like you were.
Sounds like all this time that I have been soul searching.
All this time that I have been becoming happier and
happier.
All this time that I have realized I love life....
You have maybe realized life is not as simple as you
thought it was.
Are you jaded?
Poor you. Don't be ridiculous.
You can't feel happy and respect yourself in the way that
you are acting.
You must feel empty.
Fill yourself up with party, fill yourself up with women.
It will still feel empty my dear.
Those things are empty.
Hopefully you remember who you are soon.... and work
to live a better life, before it is too late.

Alone

This creative burst of energy I have had lately is because I am without you. I am sorry to say it but it is true. I have allowed my creative juices to flow now that my sorrow in our relationship has ended. I can write again. I can paint again. I am alone again. I am happy to be alone. You are not. On the phone the other day you sounded so lonely and sad. It broke my heart. I do not want you to feel so alone and sad. I wish with everything inside of me that I could fix whatever was broken from the start in our relationship. I can not though. It is an impossible puzzle. We were taught that over and over again. I hope you had an amazing trip to Golden. I hope you had fun and felt your spirit revived and lifted. I hope you met a beautiful mountain town sprite and made love to her. It is what you need to get over me, to take your mind off of your alone-ness. Because I will never be your woman again. I will never feel the need to fill up your alone-ness again. I will always love you though. Always.

The important things I have learned today

- learn to say no ex: "No, I am sorry... but I do not want to do that" or "No, but I can not do that."
- do not let people walk on you. Tell them when you are hurt... but in a way that will make them feel safe and protect their self esteem
- a relationship will not work with "I" people.... only with "we" people. It is a team
- you must accomodate your partners needs to the best of your ability, if not... your partner will die inside and become sick outside
- every experience is a step towards my definition of success, which for me is knowledge and living a beautiful life full of happiness
- IQ increases with every experience that you have... with each experience you gain a new angle to look at and evaluate against
- if it is not courage or work... it is not love
- remember... the shiny peices in each person; those things are the reason that person is unique
- you will never know how much one comment or word can effect another person.... choose your words wisely... you will never be able to take them back
- communicating is an art... it takes practice; every single word has a different meaning to each person based on their life experiences and memories
- we have an incredible responsibility in being a human being
- everthing is seamless... it is all connected
- just be direct... don't tip toe around a situation because you are worried about hurting someones feelings; more feelings will get hurt in the end if you are dishonest
- lying is a mind fuck
- respect yourself enough to never ever cross the line of disrespecting someones person
- never ever point out a persons uniqueness as a fault
- sometimes you outgrow a friend and that is okay
- it is okay to not fix or keep working on it... letting go is a worthy process also
- you need to put out the kindness if you want to be surrounded by kind, gentle people
- fear is the opposite of love
- fear controls and is the reason for all war
- love beyond anger
- anger should never be the first response... always attempt understanding first
- "So what you are saying is that blah blah blah.... did I get that right?" "Is there more?" "That must make you feel blah blah blah"
- when you lose faith.... you lose your ability to see the truth
- each special thing you do unexpectedly for someone else helps them to keep hope

Imagine

I imagine you are so different
from the person you used to be
I imagine you are hardened
by another love lost, not by me
I imagine you might think
every once in a while about then
I imagine you might wish
we may create sparks once again
I imagine about the adventures
your life has lead so far
I imagine we reconnect
end this little mind war
I imagine I stop imagining
but I can't change my mind
I imagine I feel the passion
I long ago left behind

Painting makes me happy. Happy makes me painting :)

I thought I would put up some pictures of my art. Hope you all enjoy!


"Fishy Fishy"


"Salmon Run"


"The Circus"


"Visions of the West Coast Trail"


"Seashell"


"Rock and Roll Recycle"

Old letters

Old letters hold magic. I want that magic back. Maybe one day. Someone old or someone new. Either way... I am happy. I am lucky. I am beautiful... and I deserve the love that I want. I can also give the love that I want.

This road

I just wonder sometimes
If this is the road I am
Supposed to be on
I hope one day
It leads right back to you
When that day came that we parted
A new life for me started
But I still miss your smiling face
And the beauty in your eyes
I dream one day
That I will wake up and look back at you
Until then I am happy
Until then I am living
Until then I am fine
Maybe one day I will be even luckier
If that day comes
Then I will be ready

Am I made of rubber?

Well as the title says... I am wondering if I am actually some human-rubber hybrid. I always seem to bounce back from bad news quickley. Thanking my lucky stars for that. I am slowly getting used to the idea of living in Golden again for the next 10
months... and surprisingly.... I'm a lookin' and I'm a likin' (haha... Ben Stiller cracks me up). Any-hoo. Yes, the G-spot should be a good time. How can I stay angry when I will have a free pass to Kicking Horse Mountain Resort? As well, I will be getting a better education with the Adventure Tourism and Business Operations course in comparison to the Expedition course I was originally registered in. Sadly, there will be no travelling through the United States or Mexico. No mountain biking either. But all in all.... I can deal. This way I can keep focussing on my art and becoming a healthier person with yoga and nutrition. Hell, I might even be able to start a business with the training I will recieve? You never know what can happen. I re-learned that little bit of information a few days ago didn't I? Never will I forget. Life is always changing, to be happy... I just have to roll with the punches.

"OOOh, Heaven is a place on Earth...."

Well.... here is my most controversial blog up to date: Here it goes.
I am pretty sure that there is a special place reserved for all the bible (or Koran, Book of Mormon, etc.) thumping religeous people out there, who continue to hide behind their idea of "GOD" while trashing this beautiful planet that "GOD" created. Somewhere there is a giant disconnect, maybe in their brains? That special place that I imagine exists? It is definately not called heaven.

Just remember this little bit of information

A good idea to keep this in mind: "The Earth has all the time in the world.... we as human beings do not". Mother Nature has been through the ringer before. She has been slammed by asteroids, weathered multiple ice-ages and warmings, dealt with mass extinction... the list goes on. Granted, I don't think she has ever experienced the wrath of the corporation dominated, pollution happy, industrial 'revolution' (I say revolution with not one ounce of pride) all running on dumbed down, empty consumerism. Regardless though.... EARTH will survive. She may lose practically every species on this planet (but that has happened before), she may take millions of years to disintigrate and heal our destruction..... but she will survive. WE WILL NOT. Too bad.... we really were special weren't we? So smart and all, we thought we could outsmart even the course of evolution................ s-m-r-t. Who the fuck let the monkeys evolve?

Door number two had better be made of fucking gold

Here is the cliche: When one door closes... another door opens. Well dammit... there had better be something really spectacular behind door number two. I received a phone call today from The College of The Rockies. They called to inform me that there were not enough people in the specialized course that I was planning on taking... and that it was cancelled! Two people had suddenly dropped out yesterday. The woman on the other end gave me four options... that I am frantically weighing, so I can decide what to do. School was supposed to start in three weeks. I quit my job a few months back in preparation for school. I have been residing in my mother's home this summer because my boyfriend and I, of three years, recently split. All of my worldly possessions are piled in boxes in a friend's home; along with my two lizards. My scholarship is extremely fickle..... Fuck! That is all I have to say.

Painting a pretty picture....

I love to paint. It has taken me so long to jump on the courage and ride it to this point in my artistic awareness. I had such an inferiority complex with my artwork. Everyone else seemed so much more talented. It has only been in the last year that I just literally said "Fuck it!" Everyone else does not do MY artwork... they are talented in THEIR artwork. Each person has a brain of their own, and can create something extremely different but equally as beautiful as the next artist. When I think of the years that I have wasted worrying that I couldn't properly express the feeling I had inside me onto canvas.... I am sad for the beautiful creations I have missed out on. Everything is a learning experience though. So... no regrets. I am just happy that I have allowed my creativity to burst from it's little protective bubble. My paintings are beautiful. I know they are... I have talent; and I am confident enough to say so.

Binary city system

I can see in binary
All I can see are zero's and one's
Those are the only two numbers
That this rat's nest, rat's race
Supports in any way
You are either a zero or a one
It is easy to fall from one to zero
But difficult to go from zero to hero

I know the reason we are on this planet

That reason is to have connections with other human beings. Simple. As simple as that.... we are here to connect and love. That is it. That is all.

If you are reading, let me know.

I sometimes wonder if you read my blog. I still look at yours. You have so much talent. Did you just read that? I wonder if you saw my paintings how you would react. I think you would be surprised at my talent too. It still surprises me. Are you interested in what I need to get off of my chest? Tell me... do you care at all about what I have to say? I still feel like I would care about what you would have to say. Love just never ends. Does it? I wonder if you read my words.

"Times, they are a-chaaaanging" - courtesy of Mr. Bob Dylan

Do you feel it? Something big is going to happen. Good or bad. It just depends on which angle you are looking at it. There are only so many threads in the spider web that can be broken... before the entire web collapses, and just blows away in the wind.

So long, farewell....

I am driving back to Armstrong tomorrow. The start of my adventure has arrived! In three weeks I will be back in Golden preparing for 4 months of intense travel and outdoor life. I am so lucky. I tell myself this everyday. Lucky. So long all.... I love you all. I love you. Bye Calgary... I will be back, maybe on better terms this time. Hello new memories. I can't wait to make more memories. My life is going to change. Goodbye.... hello.

So be it; friend

I looked at you today. I wondered how my life will change in the next 5 months. I looked and you and I thought "I will miss him." I do not regret last night. I do not regret telling you how I feel. I am glad I have told you before I leave. I am glad at the choice you made. The choice not to kiss me. Thank-you for that. Thank-you for being the stronger person... in doing so, allowing me to fully enjoy every minute of my trip. I will see you again my friend in 5 months. Maybe, just maybe... you will have missed me too. When I get back I will be a new person. See you then, until then....... climb like you are climbing big rock. Drink some Big Rock too....mmmmm.... Big Rock.

I miss you... it is simple

I am missing you again. Missing dancing... dancing until our emotions took over and everything we were trying to express in our dance was expressed in our satisfied faces. I feel so happy without you though. I wake up in the morning with energy. I wake up with a smile on my face. I know when I wake up that my day will not be a roller coaster of uncertainty. Uncertainty that you will finally realize that you don't love me anymore.... or maybe that I realize that I don't love you anymore. So why do I keep missing you? I know the answer... it is because it IS you. You are you, how can I compete with that. My heart just cannot compete with that. Every time I see you again my emotions get all mixed up... my head becomes confused. I have to stay away. It is good that I am going away to school.... I will have something else to think about; something else to focus on. Maybe then I will stop missing you? When I come back will you have the same look of love in your eyes when you see me... as you had today? I am afraid that you won't. Even though I know that is what you need.

A cliche

Well... at the risk of acting out a cliche.... I have to say that: THINGS TRULY DO HAPPEN FOR A REASON. Simon and I were never meant to be together forever. I know this now that my head is clear of confusion and my heart is free of everyday heartbreak. We were meant to teach each other a lesson.... so far since our parting, I have learned an enormous amount. I have so much more energy. More energy than I have had in over a year (keep in mind... energy is something I come by easily). I also feel so much more grounded in my beliefs. I know what I want, who I want, where I want, why I want, when I want and almost everything surrounding the how. At least I think I do ;) I just feel so happy. So completely happy. So completely me. Relationships are difficult... but they are even more difficult with someone unwilling to budge in any way whatsoever. I felt like I was a dentist prying a rotten tooth every time I tried to have an in depth conversation with Simon. I couldn't talk to him about my inner most feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Of course we lost the connection.... how could we not lose the connection? How did we stay together for so damn long? I remember the first love that I ever had... he and I could talk for hours; about anything. Is it any wonder that I felt so connected with him? We were young, yes... but the connection was truly there. I want to be able to talk for hours with the next person I love. I want to feel that they are interested in what I have to say... I want to make love to the person who has listened to me and to who I have listened to. I want to make love to someone who has seen inside of me. That is what I want. I will not settle. I know there is someone out there that I can talk with... that I can understand... who understands me. I don't want to jump into anything.... but if the right person comes along, I am not going to punish myself for my mistakes or mis-steps in my last relationship. Relationships are a learning curve too. I have learned many lessons..... the only real mistakes are the mistakes that are not corrected the first time.

This Long Text

"I am sorry is not enough. I wish things could have been different. One day I hope to be friends again or at least friendly. Please have a good life. I am letting go of my guilt, not because I am ignoring the things I did... but because it breeds the hate. I am going to finally allow myself to be happy. I know you will be happy too. Maybe finally finding happiness was the purpose of our relationship. That is what this lesson is teaching me. Goodbye for now, I hope not forever".

The end.

Let the healing begin

I am healing finally. It feels good. I can feel the happiness soaking in and staying. My skin has been absorbing much more laughing sounds and positive energy. I still miss him.... I will for a very long time. However, I can say with confidence: LET THE REAL HEALING BEGIN. Just a little message to my broken heart.

Nice Advice.... but I am thinking Thrice

I recieved some great advice last night. Advice I have heard AND taken before. Advice I have hoped to hear; every single time I have asked. Advice which has answered questions... questions I have longed to ask. This advice has also opened pandora's box on many, many more questions. In the past I would have jumped on this advice. Felt justified in taking it... thrilled that someone else agreed with me. That someone else was as eager as I. This is not the past. I am not the past. I will not take the advice. It was good advice..... just not good for me.

Inside I am melting

I am melting inside
my heart open wide
draining my blood for you
a draconian surprise
with a draconian demise
to prove my love was true

Can not shake it

I can not shake you
you with your emerald eyes
you with your bright blue eyes
you with your soft brown eyes
I can not shake you
None of you
I just can not

The Plan Stan

I have decided to take a break from life for a few months. Literally. I am staying in the Okanagan with my family until September to get my head together and change directions. With Simon and I breaking up, my life seems to be crumbling. I need this time for reflection; to think about what went wrong, to heal and to learn from my mistakes. I also need to decide where I want to take my life in the next year. My long term plans will be staying the same, of course. Documentary film making and photography are my callings. I am trying to figure out the best course of action to take to get there though. My planning all rests on whether I receive the scholarship for the College of the Rockies. I am crossing my fingers and my toes. Hopefully superstition will work this one time for me. Cross your fingers for me too... okay?

Stronger than I know

Almost everyone who has written to me about this forced life change I am dealing with, has said that I am strong. Even people I do not know well. They see something in me that at this moment, I am blind to. Slowly the foggy goggles will become clearer I am sure. Right at this moment.... it is difficult to have faith. I am afraid of it all. I am afraid of being single again. Before Simon... I was a happy single girl, full of life and mischief. Then I met Simon... and I was happy to give that up. Willing to give it up for the special way that I felt about this one truly special man. Before Simon, I didn't even think love would again be in the stars for me. I felt that I had already been given my chance(s). I was blessed twice. I didn't want to be greedy and keep asking for seconds (although, I was tempted to ask the night hip-hop came into my life; whole other story). True... I had my fair share of men who had fallen in love with ME before Simon. I had broken all of those hearts. Every single one. To this day I still feel guilty about Kaleb.... He was my passionate, scorpio, poet; obsessed with the stars above, with a heart begging to be filled up. He was madly in love with me... I just did not feel the same. I lead him on while I was trying to conjure up the feelings I so wanted to feel, in the end my facade was revealed. The poems he wrote to me are all I have left. Maybe now I am being punished for that? Regardless of the reasoning, the full circle has been run now and I don't want to run the single trail again. It scares me. It intimidates me. The idea of meeting other men does not entice me... despite the fact that I tend to only attract the most handsome men. The men other women go ga-ga for. Still not excited. There are too many variables.... too many what if's. What if I never meet the man of my dreams.... what if I am not the woman of any man's dreams. What if men don't even matter... what if I am meant to fall in love with a woman? The what if's at the end of a break-up are the scariest kind. Too open ended. I normally love risk and adventure... but right now I want comfort and familiarity. I miss his smell, I miss his voice, I miss his smile. There are many, many things that I do not miss also. I MUST remember those. I must also remember: I AM stronger than I know. My strength has maneuvered me between many obstacles, surprises, heartaches and heartbreaks before. Everything will be okay.

Said too fast

I said okay, when you said you wanted to be friends... despite the fear I felt. I went against my gut reaction to just cut you out of my life. I believed you would stay my friend. I believed you when you said you did not want to lose me completely. So I said okay. Look where that has got us. Are we friends? No. Did we need time to heal first? Yes. I wish you would stick to your word.... but that was always something I did not like about you. One thing that we argued about frequently. You could never hold a promise and fulfill it. I should have known. Silly me. Goodbye... I love you. I love you... goodbye. Those are quite possibly the most difficult words I have ever had to say. I never thought it would be said to you, but then again.... before I met you... I never thought I could love again.

On the tip of my tongue

I am losing my life
I am losing my love
I am losing it all for you
But I want you to live
I want you to strive
I want you to be happy too

You are the only man
Who has truly known me
Every secret, fear, every tear
Some of it you kept safe
Some of it you did not
Much was thrown in my face

I want to run home
Call your name
See your big, goofy smile
But I will not
I just can not
This time I must stay away

With all of my energy
From my nose to my toes
I feel that this is so wrong
But we have tried and failed before
So this must be right
This time I must stay strong

I want to hold you tight
Hold you close
Never let you go
But I will not
I just can not
You are no longer my home

I am sorry to you
I am sorry to me
I am sorry to all of our friends
This has lasted too long
I knew all along
It must eventually end

I will never forget
You are the love of my life
But so too was he
I know that bothered you
It bothered me too
My love was never set free

You loved her more too
I know that about you
But it is all now okay
I understand
It is very difficult
To love another the same way

I have never stopped
Loving any of them
Neither dear will you
That is just how it is
When you give a piece of your heart
You love each one through and through

If she never left
You would have stayed with her forever
That is what I felt too
But he did leave
So did she
Eventually I met you

I tried my best
My sweet, sweet man
I could not fulfill your needs
You: a house, a car, some kids
Me: Adventure, travel, school
We wanted different things

You knew that too
That I would never be as settled as you
That is why you loved me so
I brought in a spark
I brought in some flight
Now my dear, I must let go

My compass points North
Towards the stars above
Your compass points South
Now we can trek
In the opposite directions we pull
We can follow our hearts and souls

You are my sweet, sweet love
The love in my laugh
The love on the tip of my tongue
But I need you to go
As you already know
As we both have known for way too long

I will never forget
Never wish it were not you
If I did I would be a fool
The memories we have
The laughter we shared
Are once in a life time I am sure

Do you remember those skies?
Those beautiful skies?
That first marked our love as true
I never want to lose
All those beautiful views
I hope neither do you

My only wish
Is that the unkind things we both said
Are forgotten by both you and I
As soon as we heal
We can not take it all back
But let us try to remember how we both truly feel

You are a beautiful man
A beautiful being
Before you there were many things
I would not have done
Some so good and some so bad
But most things have just begun

I feel happy to be free
To do as I please
To rope the adventure I so crave
But I love you still
I still wish this were not so
I am trying very hard to be brave

You are my best friend
Out of all my loves you will be the one
To stay my best friend
That is the type of person that you are
You were the best lover I have known too
I truly wish this did not have to end

This is not goodbye
Just a new type of life
An adjustment for both of us I am sure
I know you will be close by
With your arms open to me
And your beautiful, dimpled smile wide

A time of waste

I do not like to waste my time. You never get those precious moments back. Never. I should have payed attention to my inner reactions. I knew this was not right.

One Week

One week is all it takes. One week and your possibilities in life can completely change. One week... and everything you felt the week before can melt away. One week can change your life. One week and you can become hopeful again. One week and you can remember yourself again. Only one week.

To you... my love. No Regrets.

If I could take it all back I would. I can't believe this is you and me now. The man I loved so much.... the person with whome I shared every satisfied sigh, every ecstacy full scream. The person who made me feel like I was never going to stop feeling sexy, special, silly or safe. If I could take back everything that has been said I would. I would. I would..... I would. Believe me my dear, I never dreamed that our lives would have this much struggle, pain or the word that I don't want to say: unhappiness. I hate that word. Regret. Regret, is not something I feel lately. Regret is for those that have lost... but I still have you. For how much longer? I can't be sure. Regret? No, no.... regret. I just feel numb. Glossy eyes with the look of prescription drugs. Numb from my beautiful peach, which is now a dried up pit of emptiness, all the way deep into my inner most soul. You can knock, knock, but nobody is home. Nobody is home. Curled up into a ball so tight I may never be able to break free. Tied up with rope around my wrists and ankles... with a side helping of duct tape over my mouth. We are in hiding. For fear of what? For fear of us. The disc golfing, taeboing, hiking, giggling, dreaming, comforting, playing, sharing, decoupaging, cooking, creating, running, whispering, laughing, loving, sweet, sweet lovers are gone. I don't know if they will ever come back. They are people I don't recognize anymore. I don't recognize you at all. Who are you? I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss ME..... I fucking miss me. Where do I go from here? I don't know.... but I can't stay here. This place is killing me. It's killing you. I just can not believe the words that these walls have heard, seen. Where is that sparkle? We have killed the sparks, we have killed it all. Thrown water on the fire works and walked away as they sizzled to a stop. I miss you. So much. Where are you? Where am I? I don't know anymore and I am lost. My compass is broken. I only know that I can't stay here. This ground it too toxic to stand on.

Someones eyes

Eyes. Eyes are the mirror into the soul, and I have always been a sucker for a good soul. A soul with heart, a soul full of love. Especially when that love is for me. I have seen many sets of eyes with an image of love to draw me in... but only two green eyes have ever really mattered. These eyes could draw me in and twirl me around. They could dance with me, laugh with me, love with me. These eyes could make me blush or make my mind dizzy with ecstacy. These eyes were the first I have ever loved... and the first to love me. They knew who I was, what I was, why I was, more than I could ever even know for myself. But they closed to me a long time ago... and have not opened since. If I could go back in time, I would bring glasses for myself. Through these clear truth-givers I would see where I was and when I would be okay. I would choose then to be okay, and then maybe those eyes would have kept looking into mine.