Challenge #8: Procrastination... makes it happen?

I have a tendency to procrastinate.  To prove this point, I have a little secret to share with you.  Ready?  It has taken me over a month to write of this new challenge.  In true procrastinator fashion, I kept putting it off until later.  Point proven.

In my defense.... I USED to listen to my procrastination demons much more frequently.  I was a procrastinator to the extreme.  I would literally wait to do important tasks for years.  Here is an example:  I waited seven years after high-school, to finally jump in and go to college!  That long just to go to post-secondary??  It seems crazy to me now. 

Before that life changing leap of faith, I kept waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting......  What the heck was I waiting for?  Forget asking me, because I STILL do not know the answer.  Maybe I was waiting for my sanity?

It was a gradual climb up that mountain and getting to the top has changed my life for the better.

But let's back up a little.  I have ALWAYS made goals and ran for them.  It is not like I refused to accomplish anything before I attended post-secondary school.  I had accomplishments.  They were small.  Small does not mean meaningless.... small means easier.  The bigger, more daunting tasks were constantly put on the back burner.  I went for what I wanted....  as long as it was not big and scary. 

The four years before I began the adventure tourism program, were interspersed with many small accomplishments that eventually lead to my final decision to attend school.  That mountain climb was very difficult to start, really hard to keep going up, but as I put one foot in front of the other, it became easier each day.  Soon I was on the ridge, looking over the edge.  I wanted to jump off and rip down the hill.  So, I did :)  I have never looked back and the fear of my unknown accomplishments has almost fully abated. 

A late bloomer I guess.  Who cares?  I don't.  At least I have bloomed!!  I love it.  I love my life.  Now that I am no longer controlled by my fear (which I believe is at the root of procrastination), my dreams keep coming true.  Faster and faster, like a snowball rolling down a hill, or like a snowboarder ripping....

Despite this all, I still feel that my low level of procrastination is holding me back from a sprint to a run.  I want to prove to myself that I can ignore my nagging inner slow-poke and just do it!  I can.... so I will.

The ultimate goal of this challenge is to eradicate me of any small procrastination ogres that I still feed.

Rules: 
*I have listed my daily 'to do' items for the next three months.  Some are big, some are small.  I have to finish a combination of them all.
*Being active outdoors, is what I live for so when I plan an adventure it will trump EVERYTHING on my "to do" list.  However, I will still be required to at least begin each task, no matter what I have planned.
*I aim to accomplish seventy-five percent of my daily tasks by March first (my birthday!!!).

Here I go......  

Gain

My challenge to speak less about myself has come and gone.  It went fast.  In such a short time period, what did I gain from this challenge?  What did I learn?  How did it change my perspective?

Awareness is the answer. 

I became more aware of my need for attention, while in the presence of others.  As well, I was heightened to the knowledge that I would like to become a more attentive listener.  This challenge has taught me this.  Simple.

That is it.  That is all.   

Deep NOT Cheap

Talk that is. 

This challenge has encouraged an interesting perspective.  While I have not been completely self silenced, I HAVE been more aware of my own actions (in relation to talking about myself).  Already it has become internally obvious to me when (and why) I high-jack conversations.  This is a much needed lesson.

I love to talk.  I deeply enjoy deep conversations.  This is in gratitude to Becky Foreman.  My best friends' mother, who recently passed away.  I spent much of my childhood life at their home.  A lot of time.  Many hours, many after schools, many weekends, many sleep overs.  In the mornings, Bree slept in late, whilst I woke up early.  My initial attempts to wake my sleeping beauty friend were consistently thwarted by her stubborn sleepy-head stay-in-bed attitude.  To combat my boredom, I would head downstairs to their living room, where I knew Becky would be awake reading.  Every morning, a conversation was magically pulled from thin air, and nearly every time, it would be meaningful.  I learned from the age of six, that I had thoughts, opinions and feelings that COUNTED.  My words were equally important as an adults'.  I was taught that a deep conversation can be created between two minds of any age.  Becky always talked to me as if I were a PERSON.... not a child.  There was no judgement.  One day, this is how I plan to converse with my children.

This challenge has not been easy.  Not at all.  Awareness is the path this lesson has laid out for me so far.

The last three evenings have been spent in deep conversation with my roommate.  We have talked until the early morning hours.  About:  life, love, choices and dreams.  I have chosen to ignore this challenge on those evenings.  Sometimes our challenge in life is just to let go.  Go with the flow.  A deep conversation, the type that reminds you of how very ALIVE you are, is not something that the universe brings about daily.  I think the questions posed and thoughts pondered were necessary for my life now.  My challenge has taken a turn for the better.  I LISTENED as much as I talked....    

Every second of those late night expression sessions, I was fully aware.  When I have noticed my high-jacking routine begin to flourish, I have consciously stopped it's bloom.  Being aware is helping me to stop my habitual conversation hogging and allow any conversations to flow more naturally.  I need more deep conversation in my life and this challenge is the path to accomplishment.  Learning to curb my attention addiction is encouraging better human connections between me and my friends.  My amygdalea (singular: amygdala) are growing more solid connections too!  *Note:  this part of the brain performs primary/key roles in the development of emotional learning, social interaction and emotional intelligence :)

I will take deep talk over cheap talk any day.  This challenge has it's own evolution, just as I do. 

Challenge #7: Speak for Myself

Life is a whirlwind.  So much can happen in a short amount of time.  Sometimes hashing out your emotions and thoughts with your nearest and dearest is extremely helpful.  Lately, with my most recent love relationship crumbling to an end, and then with the predicted end of a thoughtless beginning.... I have been self absorbed. I have been constantly thinking, explaining, understanding and perplexing about what is going on in my own mind and heart. I have felt the need to talk.  A lot.  I have talked and talked and talked.

Suddenly, today, I feel the need to be quiet.  I have talked enough already.  Now I need to absorb, learn and listen.  I need to be there for my friends, as they have been there for me.  I have genuinely good friends.  Really good friends.  They have all listened to me in the last few months consistently, patiently and without judgement.  I have been blessed with their guidance and encouragement.  I appreciate it all more than I can explain. 

Today and for the next 9 days, I challenge myself to NOT talk about myself in the presence of my friends.  I will only ask questions and listen to their life stories.  Of course if I am asked a specific question I will answer (it would be out right rude and weird not to), but I will NOT bring up anything voluntarily.  In the situation that I am asked a question, I will answer, elaborate only as necessary and then direct the conversation back onto someone else.

I need to do this.  It is easy to forget you are not the only person on this planet when you are dealing with a heartbreak.  I need to learn to remember that EVERYONE is dealing with something.  Everyone.

I will write about this challenge once in the midst and once in reflection.         

Non-Forgotten Dreams

Here are a few dreams from my last challenge.  I wasn't able to write them down earlier because I was on a long road trip.

Dream One

I dreamt that I was working at a factory.  The factory resembled the large cement plant in Lac des Arces (off the Trans Canada, along the way from Golden to Calgary).  I was working in the middle of a very large empty room at an assembly line.  The building had an extremely tall roof. 

At certain points in my dream I was watching myself work from a birds eye view.  I have this happen a lot in my dreams; the situation where I am both acting out my "character" as well as watching the dream from a third person perspective.

For some reason I had decided to sneak into the factory to investigate.  There were three other people with me on this mission.  They were people that I do not recognize or know in my waking life.  All four of us were trying to look like workers at the plant, so we could investigate undercover.  We were mingling with the factory staff and working at the assembly line to try to fit in and not look suspicious.  No one suspected that we were not supposed to be there.

At one point the supervisor came over to help us.  We were all having trouble with our assembly line positions.  There were only four positions and each was extremely boring.  The supervisor was chatting with us and giving us hints on how to do our jobs more efficiently.  The situation was not stressful, but it did feel very dull.

Here are some of the interpretations from http://www.dreammoods.com/.

Watching (closest interpretation for birds eye view):
"To dream that you are watching something indicates your passiveness. You lack initiative to take a position or to take action. It may reflect upon your real life and how you are watching life pass you by, instead of participating it. You need to take more initiative. Alternatively, the dream symbolizes your neutrality in some situation. You do not want to take a side. The dream may also be a metaphor warning you to "watch it!"
To dream that you are being watched suggests that you are feeling confined in your work environment or personal relationship. You are lacking privacy and feel you are being scrutinized or criticized."

Factory:
"To dream that you are at a factory represents repetitious thinking and an old way of doing things. It is symbolic of predictability and unchanging habits. Alternatively, it signifies business, productivity, energy and bustling activity. You are a person that can get things done."

Dream Two (re-reading this dream in my journal made me laugh because of the end... you will see)

I was living back in my childhood house on Round Prairie Road, in Armstrong.  I had just returned from a long vacation.

At the house, my long time best friend Bree, her baby daughter Stella and her mother Becky were all visiting.  Becky was ill in bed, she was very weak and could not get out of the bed (Note: Sadly in real life, Becky has recently passed away from lung cancer).  She was covered in blankets.  I handed Stella to Becky.  The baby immediately started to giggle and coo.  You could tell that she loved her grandma a lot. 

I decided to look out the bay window of the house (peering out through windows is something that reoccurs in my dreams).  The scenery looked much different than when I grew up there.  Instead of a large field, there were houses built everywhere.  All of the houses looked almost identical; similar to what many new subdivision housing areas look like now.  I thought the houses were extremely ugly.  Seeing them caused me to feel angry. 

Outside in our own yard, there was a large marshland that was fenced off.  It was a protected piece of property.  We were trying to save it from destruction and since it was located on our land, it was private property.  There were signs stating this.  However, people were walking within the fenced off areas despite the obvious restrictions. 

People were trampling this delicate ecosystem that we were trying to protect.  Almost all of the people walking across the land were elderly.  I went outside and started chasing the people away.  I felt extremely upset by their disregard for the land.  I was yelling and eventually I started poking the elderly people with sticks to get their attention and make them leave.  They kept ignoring me no matter what I did.

Here are the closest explanations. 

Elderly:
"To see an elderly person in your dream represents wisdom or spiritual power. Pay attention to the message or advice that the elderly person is conveying to you. He or she can help provide life answers and solutions to your problems and try to guide you toward the right direction."

Window:
"To see a window in your dream signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight. To dream that you are looking out the window signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness and your point of view. It also refers to your intuition and awareness. You may be reflecting on a decision. Or you need to go out into the larger world and experience life.  To see a bay window in your dream indicates that you are tyring to gain a different or wider perspective on things"

Fence:
"To see a fence in your dream signifies an obstacle or barrier that may be standing on your path.  You may feel confined and restricted in expressing yourself.  Are you feeling fenced in some situation or confined in some relationship?  Alternatively, it may symbolize a need for privacy.  You may want to shut off the rest of the world." 

Houses:
"To see a house in your dream represents your own soul and self. To see a new house in your dream indicates that you are entering into a new phase or new area in your life.  You are becoming more emotionally mature." 

Stick:
"The dream may be a pun on a 'sticky' situation or how you need to 'stick up' for yourself and your beliefs."

Dream Three

It was dark outside.  I was at a house that was on a farm, with huge weeping willows everywhere.  There was a party going on outside.  Many people that I didn't know were laughing and drinking.   

I was tired and I was trying to sleep in one of the bedrooms.  There were animals in the bedroom.  A large, fluffy white rabbit and also a big bear that escaped when I opened the door.  The bear was friendly and it began to walk around the party outside.

I felt overwhelmingly sad in my dream.  A tall, very attractive man, who I do not recognize in my real life, was in the bedroom trying to help me.  He was there to listen to me.  He said he wanted to cuddle with me and help me to feel better.

For some reason we had to work that night at a boarding school.  We went there to set up a room that we would be staying in.  The room was tiny; so tiny that there was hardly any space to move around.  It was the size of a walk-in closet.  In the room there was a single bed and a side table with a lamp.  I wanted a stereo so I could listen to music.  I felt that the music would make me feel more positive.

The man was a beautiful man.  He was very tall and had strong arms.  He was holding me in them and listening to me talk about my heart break.  I was telling him my saddness and being held by this man was helping me to heal.  He was a very kind, gentle person.  I could feel how good he was, while he held me in his arms.  I believe I was crying.

Interpretations are below :)

Cuddling:
"To dream that you are cuddling with someone indicates your need for physical and/or emotional contact. Do not overlook the obvious meaning of this dream which suggests your heart's desire for that particular person. Also consider the symbolism of that person you are cuddling with and determine how you need to acknowledge, accept, and unify those qualities in yourself."

Heart broken:
"To dream that you are going through a heartbreak signifies transistions and changes.  Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are lacking love or support in some endeavor in your life.  There is an imblanace.  A more literal interpretation of this dream means that you are going through some sort of emotional turmoil in your waking life.  You do not know how to deal with those feelings.   

Room (closest to the small room):
"To dream that you are in a room represents a particular aspect of yourself or a specific relationship. Dreams about various rooms often relate to hidden areas of the conscious mind and different aspects of your personality. If the room is welcoming or comfortable, then it signifies opulence and satisfaction in life. If you see a dark or confined room, then it denotes that you feel trapped or repressed in a situation."

Sad:
"To dream that you are sad suggests that you need to learn from your disappointments and just be happy.  Try not to dwell on the negative.  The dream may be a reflection of how you are feeling in your waking life." 

Crying:
"To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day."

Music:
"To hear harmonious and soothing music in your dream signifies prosperity and pleasure. You are expressing your emotions in a positive way. Music serves to heal the soul."

Party:
"To dream that you are at a party suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself."

Weeping Willow:
"To see a willow tree in your dream symbolizes mourning and sadness.  It also denotes a loss of  someone or something.  Alternatively, the willow represents survival or rebirth."

Rabbit:
"To see a rabbit in your dream signifies luck, magical power, and success. You have a positive outlook on life. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize abundance, warmth, fertility and sexual activity. Perhaps your sex life needs to be kept in check. The dream can also be associated with Easter time and your own personal memories of Easter.  In particular, to see a white rabbit in your dream symbolizes faithfulness in love. The white rabbit also serves as a guide to steer you toward the right direction."

Sub-Aware

My extended dream challenge officially ended on October 15th. 

During this challenge, my awareness of my subconscious mind grew tremendously.  I was unable to write down each dream that I dreamt.  I did not research every new dream concept presented.  Many times my argument with willpower lost and I allowed myself to drift back into sleep without a second thought (about recording my dreams).  However, I did truly begin to absorb the secrets of my inner mind.  My brain is willing to tell, if only I listen.  Through sleep I was problem solving.  Becoming aware of this process has been an awakening. 

I discovered how powerful the subconscious mind can be in my day-to-day life.  My dreams were whispering to me and once I payed closer attention, their meanings became clear.  The most profound example of this was one morning when I awoke feeling rather restless.  I had a distinct feeling that something was not quite right.  I felt unsure.... but I did not understand why.  I decided to read about the symbols presented in my morning dream.  I found that one important symbol represented a lie or deceit.  Within twenty minutes of reading this, I was informed that yes:  I had been deceived.  My sleeping mind had known what my waking mind had not. 

More times that not, I found true valuable meaning in my dreams.  On several occasions, a question I had been toying with would be solved as soon as I looked up the symbol meanings.  I always knew dreams were powerful and intricate.  I have believed for a long time that they had inherent meanings for my life..... but I never imagined how helpful each dream could be in my regular waking life.  I intend to keep a dream journal beside my bed.  Writing down my dreams has become a useful tool for my conscious evolution.  I believe dream meanings are integral puzzle pieces in my quest to understand the puzzle of my life. 

I have been travelling for the past two weeks, so it has not been convenient for me to write about my recent dreams.  This is not for lack of dreaming or thought provoking symbology.  I have had some interesting dreams that I would like to capture forever in cyberspace, at a later date.

Elephant Traveller

A past dream of mine, from another time.

I was on the back of a giant African Elephant.  She was incredibly beautiful and very kind.  I could feel that I was safe, despite my distance from the ground.  

I was at one side of the world, and I was intending to cross the ocean to the other side.  There was a dock built the entire way that I could walk across.  I started my journey.... and somehow the thin, wooden dock was able to take the weight of the giant pachyderm.

The dock went straight forward across the ocean.  The ocean surrounding the dock was very dark.... I could not see what was beneath the surface at all.  I didn't really like this feeling.  Also, while I was riding my big travel friend, I could only see in tunnel vision.  Vision for me was as if I were a horse wearing blinders on the sides of my head.  I was having trouble looking up too.  Basically, I could only see what was directly in front of the elephants swaying trunk; near the ground.  I found this all disconcerting, but did not allow it to affect my journey intent.

Due to the strange tunnel vision, I did not realize we had come upon a giant iceberg until I was almost immediately in front of it.  The elephant stopped.  She was waiting for direction from me.  I then had to find a  solution to this problem.  How was I going to get around this giant block of ice? The dock went right through the iceberg, so I could not walk upon it anymore.  Swimming was out of the question because it was freezing cold.  Attempting to climb the berg would have been ridiculous.  I was having trouble trying to problem solve, as my tunnel vision was still in full throttle.  I could not literally look around for a better solution.

That is all that I remember of that dream.  I love that I was riding an elephant.... they are my favorite animals :)    

The Crystal Snowglobe

I was in a cave.  The cave was decorated with beautiful antique furniture.  There were dark, intricate tapestries all over the walls.   I was surrounded by four friends... their faces and names are illusive to me.  I have no idea how I got into this cave or why I was there.

In the middle of the room, on top of a large wooden table, there was an altar.  It was covered in offerings. Some of the offerings were strange:  brightly coloured stuffed animals, photo-albums, a bag full of wash cloths....  I was searching through the items for something to choose.  We all were.  It was understood that this was acceptable; we were not stealing. 

I came across a crystal.  It was egg shaped; rounded throughout but flat on one bottom.  The bottom of the crystal was a bluish black colour, which reflected throughout the entire precious gem.  The rest of the crystal was completely smooth and clear; like a glass crystal ball.  Inside was a geode made of misty white rock shining with sparkling diamonds.

I noticed a thin, oval shaped disk inside of the crystal.  I realized that if I shook the rock, like a snow globe, the disk would float around and slowly flip.  On one side of the disk, there was an Egyptian man drawn in the typical ancient Egyptian style.  He was dressed in a gold coloured gown.  This man floating inside of the crystal was a person of mysticism; I knew this somehow.  He was important in a way unknown to me.

On the other side of the disk, there was a large black circle.  If this side was facing up when the disk settled onto the bottom, the entire crystal resembled an eyeball.  The black circle in the center was the pupil.  This crystal was looking into my soul.

I wanted to take this beautiful offering with me.  I knew that it was okay to do.  Taking the crystal would not be acting offensive in any way to anyone or anything.  However, I still did not feel that it was okay.  My gut feeling was telling me to re-think what I was doing.....

Here are some of the interpretations quoted from www.dreammoods.com 

• Cave

"To see or dream that you are in a cave symbolizes the womb and thus signify refuge, protection and concealment. To dream that you are walking in a dark cave represents an exploration of your unconscious mind.  It signals self discovery."

• Tapestry

"To see tapestry in your dream represents your past and your current life experiences. The tapestry is also symbolic of luxurious living and pleasurable surroundings."

• Antiques 

"To see antiques in your dream represent your time honored values, tradition, wisdom and inherited personal characteristics. It symbolizes something genuine or proven. Certain things in your past are worth holding onto or worth keeping."

• Snow Globe

"To see a snow globe in your dream signifies your desires for peace and serenity. Consider the scene depicted inside the snow globe and the corresponding significance. The dream may indicate that you are longing for some aspect of your past."

• Stuffed Animal 

"To see a stuffed animal in your dream represents an immature attitude. You are trying to escape from your daily responsibilities and problems. Alternatively, a stuffed animal indicates your need to relax and be less serious. You need to let your mind and body to rejuvenate.  A stuffed animal may also mean security, love, comfort, support and unconditional or unquestioned love."

• Altar

"To see the altar in your dream suggests that you are making a great personal sacrifice. You may also be expressing concerns about your spirituality.  The dream may also be a pun on your need to "alter" some behavior, attitude or aspect of your life."

• Crystal 

"To see a crystal in your dream signifies wholeness, purity, healing, development and unity. It represents your higher Self. The dream may be a metaphor for something in your life that is crystallizing or taking shape.  To dream that you are looking into a crystal represents how you are looking within yourself to find your true destiny. Alternatively, it indicates your outlook of the future."

• Crystal Ball 

    "To see or look through a crystal ball in your dream suggests that you are looking for guidance
     and direction in your life.  It represents your outlook of the future."

I can identify with these interpretations.  They make sense for my life now. 

 

Coyote and Bear

One noticeable aspect of most dreams I have written down, is the high instance of anxiety.  In general, my life is filled with positive vibes and happiness.  I would say that the majority of my days are good and I think anxiety does not play a major role.  At points in my past though, this was the opposite.  Perhaps my high anxiety during my dream state is a reflection of my past.... or of the conflicts that I need to sort through in my subconscious.  Outwardly, I feel wonderful the vast majority of the time.  Maybe I tend to ignore situations that cause stress, and my subconscious works it out for me with my dreams?

The night before last, I had an interesting dream.  I captured it on paper and now I will write it's essence for you.   

I was outside at a climbing area.  I was both climbing for fun and working for a park to clean up the area (something similar to a trail crew).  There was a large grassy, open, hill side in front of me.  It went to the top of a small mountain.  Behind me, there was a logging road (which looked more like a hiking path) amidst many evergreen trees.  A typical East Kootenay montane forest view.

I was working really hard and the physical labour felt good.  For some reason my cat Charlie was there with me.  He kept running in front of me when I was carrying a large load.  I almost stepped on him several times.  I shouted at him to tell him to stay out of the way, so he ran under a picnic table that was sitting at the bottom of the hill.

Earlier in that day I had set my lunch out on that picnic table.  I felt somewhat uneasy about the possibility of that smell attracting wild life.  At this point though, I was working too hard to really notice my gut intuition.

Suddenly I could smell something very potent.  It smelled like a rotting piece of flesh; sweet with the stench of decay.  I looked up the hill and noticed a large black bear.  He was walking towards the picnic table.  I yelled at him... and he stopped.  He looked right at me.  He was beautiful.  I did not feel afraid, instead I felt annoyed... but also awed at the same time.  I yelled again and waved my arms above my head and pretended to be tough.  The black bear took the hint and turned around to head back up the hill.... away from me and my food.

When I turned around back towards the road, I noticed movement in the corner of my left eye.  I quickly turned my head in time to see a large grey coyote.  It stared straight into my eyes, then sharply diverted it's gaze towards my cat Charlie (who was now sitting on top of the picnic table).  I followed the canines view towards my cat and realized instantly that Charlie was in trouble.

Turning back to the coyote I started yelling and stamping my feet.  I told it to leave.  I pretended to charge at the animal but it stood it's ground.  It had absolutely no fear of me.  It was looking back and forth between me and my cat.  And suddenly, it charged.  It ran towards me and when I jumped out of the coyote's way, it swerved towards the picnic table.  Charlie jumped up and poofed his fur.  I told Charlie to stay where he was so that I could run to him and save him before the coyote reached the table.  Charlie did not listen.

My cat jumped off the picnic table and bolted towards the hill.  The coyote was even faster.  I was chasing behind the predator and prey dance while hoping and praying that I could somehow catch my cat and bring him to safety.  I yelled at Charlie again, urging him to stay still.  He stopped and layed down.  The dog was getting closer to it's meal.  The coyote was almost on top of Charlie, when I shoved it out of the way and grabbed my cat into my arms.  I immediately put him into my sweatshirt to hide him from the cunning predator.

Charlie was safe.  The coyote realized he had lost, so he turned and left.  My heart was pounding and my adrenaline was pumping.  I brought my cat over to the truck I had parked on the trail.... and then I woke up.      

Dream Mind Extension

Today is the official end of my Dream Girl Challenge.  This was such an interesting challenge, and I absolutely loved gaining more insight into the intricacies of my subconscious.  I have chosen to extend this challenge for one month.  This decision was somewhat made because I did not write as many dreams down as I hoped.... but more officially because I really, really liked what I was learning about myself (in the dreams that I was able to catch on paper).

The past few days I have been able to write down several of my dreams.  I can distinctly feel that the dreams are not in their entirety, but at least I have REMEMBERED to use my dream journal.  None of the dreams of late have been particularly interesting, so I will not bore you with the details.

I have learned the power of will in this challenge.  It has been a struggle for me to force myself to write in my dream journal, when I can barely even open my eyes.  I have had to convince myself several times to not drift back into sleep......

So, this challenge will go until October 15th.  My goal is to gain more insight as well as capture a few more interesting dream land sequences.  I wrote down 17 dreams this past month.... hopefully I will be much closer to 30 in the next month.

A Dream Dali Would Paint

I am going to describe another past dream in detail, just for the fun of it.  This dream was one I had a few years ago.  The details are still clear in my mind.  It is the type of fantastical, surreal dream that I love to be blessed with.

I was alone in a giant, flat, savannah grassland.  There were sparsely placed trees growing all over the area.  They were all black and dying.  The trees resembled a triple combination of ones that have died from flooding, trees that have been ransacked by fire, and those with the gnarly look of having been struck by lightning.   The weather was stormy and the lighting was dreary.  It was nearing dark

I made my way to a giant grey tower covered in old wood siding (similar to the wood on old barns).  It was the only building in sight.  The tower was something out of a Dr. Seuss book.  It was all crooked and mismatched.  It almost looked as if it may fall over at any moment.  There was a staircase on the outside of this tower that went every which way in its ultimate climb to the top.

Behind me, a herd of trojan horses were galloping in my direction.  They were all shiny black, with bright red eyes.  Their manes were braided in the way of a show horse.  They were absolutely beautiful, and absolutely terrifying.  They were heading towards the tower too. 

I knew that I must make it up the staircase to the top of the tower before the horses reached me.  I began to run up the staircase.  The storm was raging in the background.  Lightning was crashing all over the savannah.  Between the loud booms of thunder I could hear the horses hooves crashing into the ground and their whinney's of excitement. They were getting closer. 

As I was heading up the staircase I ran into a pack of small dogs.  The pack was heading down the staircase.  The dogs were all mutts of mixed origin.  They were all crooked and crippled; their crooked bodies resembled the crooked tower.  I bypassed them, without looking back. 

And that is where I either woke up or forgot the rest......  too bad.  I would like to have known what happened.  Despite the high level of anxiety I felt during this dream, I think the intense imagery was incredible.    

Past Dream

Since I have not been having an easy time tracking my dreams, I have not been recounting many on my blog.  As a substitute for a current dream, I thought today I would write down one of my most profound dreams from my past year.  There are some interesting similarities to one of the dreams I recounted earlier for this challenge, but the dream itself is entirely different.  I will leave the interpretation up to you, as I have already done my own. 

I was in a house that had many windows.  The house was painted white.  It was cozy and clean, but it did not feel like home.  It was bright inside, but it was getting close to dusk; the shadow filled time of day.

There was a bed inside one of the rooms; one of the only pieces of furniture I could see.  Laying on the bed was a giant purple octopus.  I was afraid of the octopus, but intrigued.

Inside the room, there was a man standing near to me.  I knew he was tall.  I did not want to look directly at his face, but I peeked at him out of the corner of my eyes.  He had an intense face that was both kind and foreboding.  His eyes were almost black and they penetrated into my soul.  He told me that he was my dream guide.

I had an overwhelming feeling of anxiety in my dream.  The world was ending in some way.  I knew this.  I was standing in the room with the bed and octopus.  From this vantage point, I could see out the front windows as well as the back.  There was chaos all around me, and it was as if I were seeing everything as framed, moving photographs.

In the front there was a highway covered in caribou.  They were screaming and stumbling and bleeding.  Cars were ramming into them without stopping.  Most of the caribou were fatally injured.  I noticed a calf screaming with it's front left leg broken open into splinters.  I knew it was crying for it's mother.  She was dead. 

In the back there was a giant river that spanned onto a flat valley.  I  could see a vast mountain range in the distance.  The river was rising quickley.  I knew it was going to flood.  I knew I had to get to safety with the children I was babysitting.  The two toddlers and I needed to get out of the house instantly.  My maternal instinct was telling me to act as fast as I could.  I handed them off to someone who was going to bring them to safety.   

Once they were out of the house and safe, I decided to run back to the house to pack some items.  I went into the basement to get some of the children's clothes from their closet.  I began matching outfits together.  I couldn't stop, even though I knew matching clothing was of absolutlely no importance to their survival.  I was stuck.  It was taking me hours to decide which clothes would look best together.  I was afraid the river would swallow me up before I was finished.  I was in such a hurry, but I could not stop with what I knew was a useless task. 

That is how I woke up.

Still Dreaming of Dreaming

I have not been writing my dreams down each morning.  This week there has been two contrasting situations:  I have either not slept a wink, so I have not had a dream to interpret.... or I have slept so deeply that when I wake up I am barely conscious enough to even REMEMBER to remember. 

This morning I awoke with a distinct feeling that what I had dreamt was of importance.  I tried to write my dream down immediately.  My pen ran out of ink.  By the time I had ran to the office to get a new pen, my dream had slipped back into the deep recesses of my mind.... and I could not recall anything. 

It has been a little frustrating.  I am honestly trying to be true to this challenge.  Not everything works out as planned, and I must remember this.  I feel I will have to extend this dream challenge, so that I can gain more from the experience.  One month is too short for these deep insights.  

Dreamless Dreamer

As of late, I have been having a difficult time sleeping.  Normally I am a restless sleeper.  I awake at least twice on a normal night.  Lately though, with all the changes in my life.... I have been tossing and turning for hours on end.  It has not been helpful at all to this challenge, for if I do not sleep.... I do not dream.

I am on day number eighteen of my dream challenge and despite my lack of sleep, I have been writing my dreams down whenever I possibly can.

When I have slept, one recurrent theme in my dream world has been fast food.  This is strange as I hardly, if at all, eat at fast food restaurants.  This perplexed me until I looked up the interpretation suggestion on www.dreammoods.com.  The explanation of my present fast food obsession completely makes sense to me in this time of stress and big change.

Here is the interpretation:
"To see or eat fast food in your dream indicates that you are not taking the time to cater to your emotions. You are not taking good care of your physical or mental health." 

Since I began this challenge, I have noticed a rapid growth in the awareness of my subconscious.  It is intriguing to see what my own mind is subtly telling me.  I am perplexed and astounded by the complexities of my own dreams, and keeping track of them has piqued my interest even more.  

Heartbreak Number One Billion.

It seems my life has experienced much heart break.  A difficult time, a difficult thing to face.  Difficult to focus.  Difficult to wrap my head around it.  Difficult, oh... so difficult... to admit, that I am not in love with the love of my life.  It is true.  I am heartbroken, and yet it seems that I should not be.  But I am.  When you dream of having children with someone; dream of climbing mountains; dream of travelling; dream of a life.... a very long life with another's face, voice, body and love.... heartbreak hits you hard.  Even if you are the one who has chosen this pain.

I am the one who has chosen.... and now I reap the consequences.  Jordan's middle sister, who I adore, did not invite me to her birthday.  All of my friends were there, and I sat at home alone.  She chose this.  She did not want me there.  She has abandoned me, and I never, ever thought she would.  She had said she would always want me in my life, no matter what.  She put that idea in my mind and I believed her.  You shouldn't have complete faith in what anyone says.  Even worse, the face that I have loved and still love is broken.  He is broken, although I know he will bounce back quickley.  Right now though, it is difficult to face him and look into his eyes.  How can you fall out of love?  I still love, but at the same time I do not.  This eternal question discourages me and makes me question my own beliefs and morals.  

We tried to work on it.  We tried for a long time.  Our relationship sucked.  There was a rocky start to it that never seemed to end.  To much baggage and too many curve balls.  Too many obstacles with too little maturity.  It moved too fast, with never a second to think or space to breath.  I didn't feel like myself.  I did not feel happy.  I wanted to feel happy, but most of the time, I really just wanted out.  We suddenly became aware of how hard we needed to try.  It was not a surprise to me, but it was a surprise to him.  He began to try so very hard.  He loves me a lot.  I had the intention to try, and then I realized, that I really did not want to do it anymore.  I was done.  I am done with it.  No more.  I need to focus on what I want.  I need to be selfish.  I ONLY LIVE ONCE.  I can not lie to myself anymore.  This is not unfair of me to want to fulfill my own destiny.  

God, I tried to have a good life with Jordan.  I really, really wanted and intended to have a great life with him.  We fell in love hard and we fell in love fast, and that whirlwind never stopped spinning.  It sucked us in and never seemed to spit us out.  I felt trapped in everything that was so terrible and so wonderful.  Much of the time was great.... but much of the time was filled with frustration, sorrow, exasperation, resentment and ultimately depression.  How can you ignore that to just keep on trying?  I was tired of ignoring my gutt.  I was tired of ignoring my mind and heart.  I was tired of seeing all of my friends and them thinking that we were so very happy together.  After my last relationship disaster, I said I would absolutely never ignore myself again.  Well, never say never, because I lied.

I am who I am.  I can not change that, and why the hell would I?  I am ready for something new in my life.  I am ready for change... conscious evolution.  I am ready for my life to be mine and only mine.  I am ready to find true love, as long as I can still be me.  I am ready to face my truth.  I am scared and sad and happy and excited.  I am courageous, and really, nothing is stopping me now.  I want to see what happens.  EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.  Ever wonder why this cliche phrase is coined so often?  Because it is truth.  Truth is repeated by those who see.  I know life has something wonderful in store for me.  This change, although difficult, is necessary.



     

The End and Beginning in a Few Notes

Dreaming Then:  March 25, 2010

I have been haunting my past recently. I tend to do this when change is calling my name. This is a poem from a very long time ago. It is so interesting to read poetry from the past and understand something now in the present, what my heart and subconscious knew then, but were fighting ferociously.

In the night I sleep
I see my dreams
More vivid then when I awake
I see my dreams
Of the dreams I dream
During each monotonous day
The dreams I dream
Come true once again
Each dusk when the moon wakes
When I lay in my bed
My sweet dreams come to a head
And my world's sun re-awakes
Once my eyes shut closed
I reopen them in surprise
And under my dreams disguise
I become the person I have said
Each night when I sleep
When I lay down my head
I dream of tomorrow once again
Until the dawn calls my name
My sweet dreams remain
More vivid then when I awake
I dream of my dreams
of the beliefs that I believe
And I dream myself away
to the dreams I see
Each night when my mind wakes


One Moment To Share:  March 13, 2010

I wrote a similar version to this entry while I was in Nicaragua. This entry has been re-written to fit my current feelings towards my life and the changes I have been bestowed. The feelings are slightly altered, but the moment stays true to Nicaragua.

Change and adventure are ever-guiding forces in my life. I am so grateful and blessed for the wisdom, knowledge and LOVE that change has continuously brought to me.

Cotton candy and coconut sky.
Dissipate before my eye.
Metamorphosize my stagnant soul.
Before this life takes its toll.

Today beauty has graced my soul... again. Only hours ago I witnessed the most beautiful cloud formation I have ever seen. I was mesmerized. I wanted to hold my breath, make a wish and watch the magic forever. I wanted to keep it forever; that feeling. That feeling of awe.....

Round, fluffy, cotton candy pink clouds sat, layered upon layer of stormy blue and grey. The clouds enveloped the entire sky with their soft purity. One perfect and lucky opening was framed by these visions. An opening to the heavens; to the universe. This opening flashed intermittently with far off lightning. The flashes of lighting were birth and death; they branched into the tree of life. Every time one of the branches tickled a fluffy cloud neighbor, the cloud was warmed with a surreal, glowing amber. I am sure this is the colour of love. The colour of love..... the creation of love. I wanted to touch it. Taste it.  That love, that life... that beauty. Beauty is life. Beauty is love.

Until this experience I did not know clouds could look so perfect. I did not know clouds could be the key to my soul. I never considered the possibility. These clouds, for a moment were able to explain everything I have ever questioned, wondered, struggled against or faced. This happens with every perfect moment I have been blessed with in my life. I do not understand how desperately I need that moment until the moment happens. Once the moment passes I contemplate, I try to learn and finally gratitude fills me to my core. Gratitude for the beautiful moment.

Thoughts of getting my camera to take a forever moment, were ignored during this blessing. I was afraid that if I tore my eyes away for one second... the clouds would disappear. I was afraid that moment would dissipate and leave me empty. My fear was in vain, for despite my loyal watch, the clouds DID dissipate before my eye. Gone was my cotton candy and coconut sky. Gone was the most beautiful thing I had ever witnessed in my life..... up until that moment.

Moments disappear, whether I desperately grasp onto them or not. Life is never stagnant. However, they do leave behind residuals. They leave me with a feeling, a memory and possibly a lesson. I understand the metaphor those clouds hold in my current life. I can not force each beautiful moment to stay around forever. Eventually it must come to an end; circumstances must and will CHANGE. I must learn to accept this... and I am.

All I can do is feel lucky to have experienced that moment once. I can show my gratitude. I can hope and pray I will be blessed again with one of life's wonders. If I keep my senses open to the universe, I will be blessed with beauty again soon. For beauty is life. Beauty is love. Beauty happens daily in moments.


The Truthful Truth:  February 25, 2010

It is not difficult to summon images of truth, when another puts those vivid images in your head. Those descriptive words were said to the girl. He... the sun, described to the silly girl, the type of woman he wanted to love. In her desperate prose, the girl wrote as if those words were her own. However, the girl did not materialize this idea from thin air nor from her own creative mind. It was the sun who shone light on the woman he would grace with his love. The girl, was not deserving of this amazing man`s beautiful heart. A WOMAN was worthy. That woman will gently hold his heart for eternity, with free flowing hands. She will learn and grow more beautiful each day because HER heart is held within the sun`s fingers also. She the woman, has his love. She, the silly girl.... is still searching. The girl is still grasping at the sun... that wonderful man, screaming and crying and showing her LACK of self-discipline, grace and maturity. The silly girl has lost what she never really won.


A Time of Change:  February 2, 2010

Graduating from this incredible program is a great feeling... but this feeling is also mixed with sadness. In a specialty program such Adventure Tourism Business Operations, the class sizes are small and the experiences are big. I have spent so much time with every single class mate of mine, that I feel like we are an oddball mismatched family full of love. You truly get to know many of each person's likes, dislikes, quirks, annoyances, histories, dreams and life stories. Our class has been very close. There have definitely been differences, judgement and conflicts, but that will happen in any group. I have learned that it is a normal part of any team situation. In the end, we all love each other.

A course that combines a vast amount of outdoor adventure and experience really brings people together and teaches conflict resolution, confidence, leadership, friendship and unity. It is unexplainable to anyone who has not had this experience... and completely understandable to anyone who has had a similar experience.

How can you not get to know the people you have spent so many days and nights with? Together... we have backpacked through the spectacular BC mountains. We have learned skills from the best teachers in the world. We have encouraged and consoled when someone couldn't reach their goal or could go no farther. We have criss-crossed each others' fresh pow lines. We have trusted our lives to others. We have laughed. We have kayaked over the ocean and down rivers and then over rapids. We have taken leaps of faith. We have fought and made up. We have woken up too early and went to bed too late. We have been afraid and faced our fears. We have felt the flow experience. We have cheered on our friends.  We have granite and crack climbed. We have been amazed by animals and plants. We have listened to loud snoring in the night. We have eaten ichi-ban and bagels too many times. We have joked and learned to appreciate unique senses of humor. We have seen our friends be injured and then recover. We have been humbled. We have loved the weather.  We have hated the weather.  We have walked on glaciers. We have danced through boulder fields. We have laughed.  We have cried. We have come to appreciate our differences. We have shivered and sweat in unison. We have hugged. We have learned. We have felt each others' joy and happiness.  We have stressed over final exams and projects. We have surprised ourselves and each other. We have laughed some more. We have frozen our asses off. We have stuck axes in tall waterfalls. We have shared our stories. We have reached our goals. We have banded together in times of need. We have bullshitted around countless fires. We have built quincies and slept in them. We have canoed through a valley.  We have camped in beautiful settings. We have helped one another.  We have been poor in monetary ways. We have made lifelong memories and lifelong friends. We have been full of excitement and adrenaline.  We have seen each other cry or cried ourselves. We have purposefully or accidentally farted. We have presented project after project. We have bounced ideas back and forth.  We have drank much too much alcohol for one night. We have tried to be honest when something was not acceptable. We have felt miniscule in the vast expanse of the world and the universe. We have peaked mountain tops.  We have followed behind and lead in front of.  We have witnessed some of the most spectacular scenery that nature has to offer. We have been lucky and blessed.

For me, one word stands out in this all. Together. We were together through it all. I will miss each person so very much. But, change always comes and I welcome it with an open heart. We graduated on the night of a full moon. A full moon signifies a time of change. It couldn't have been more fitting. I say Goodbye to an inspiring time of my life full of amazing life lessons, people and experience. I say hello to whatever else I will be lucky enough to experience next.

Shitty.... Literally

Last night I had many dreams all rolling into one.  Each dream I was either on a bridge above a stadium or high up in some cedar trees.  Different people were with me.  I was frequently looking down at what was going on below me.  There was shit everywhere.  People were shitting their pants.  It was disgusting.  I could not get away from it.  I was revolted, and I was afraid the feces would touch me.

I don't think I was ever fully sleeping for much longer than half an hour.  Last nights dream(s) seemed to never end.  My life right now feels like my dream:  shitty.

Here are the interpretations quoted from www.dreammoods.com

*I couldn't find anything to specifically describe looking below me, but I did find two similar descriptions for below and down; the interpretations embarass me: 
"To see something below you in your dream indicates that you are looking down on    
others.  You feel that you are are too good for someone or for a situation. Alternatively, the   
dream suggests that you are delving into your unconscious."
"To dream that you are moving down suggests that you have made a wrong decision or 
headed toward the wrong direction in life. Alternatively, the ream may be a pun on "feeling
down" or depressed. "Going down" may also sexual connotation and be a metaphor for oral
sex."
    
Cedar Tree:
"To see a cedar in your dream symbolizes longevity, durability, strength, endurance and immortality. The dream may be trying to offer reassurance during a difficult time in your life."

Feces: 
"To see or come in contact with feces signifies aspects of yourself that are dirty and negative and which you believe to be undesirable and repulsive. You need to acknowledge and express these feelings, even though it may be shameful. Release the negativity in your life. Alternatively, it may also refer to someone who is anal retentive.To dream that you are unable to dispose of the feces suggests that you are unwilling to let go of your emotions. You have a tendency to hold in and keep your feelings to yourself.  According to Freud, feces is related to possession, pride, shame, money/financial matters, or aggressive acts."

Stadium:   
"To see or dream that you are in a stadium represents your determination to succeed and   
achieve your goals. You need to be more active, aggressive, and bold."

I Dream in Colour

My life as of late, has been experiencing much change.  Turmoil, upset and different paths, have been forcing me to see certain areas of my life that need an overhaul.  On day two of my challenge, I experienced a vivid dream that may reflect how I have been feeling.

I was standing on a beach looking out at the ocean ahead of me.  It was night time.  The moon was full in the sky, and it's glow was reflecting upon the waves in a bright amber orange.  The moon was over-sized and slightly to my left.   There was white surf was rolling in, but it was not quite lapping at my bare toes.  To my left, San Franciso was alight with city life.  Brightly lit skyscrapers were towering high into the sky, miles from where I stood.  The city was bustling and awake, despite the late hour.... around me though, it was calm.

Close beside me to my left, a photographer was standing.  I could not see his face, but I knew he was tall.  He and I were discussing my romantic relationships.  We were talking about a past relationship; one that, in my waking life, I have not thought about in detail for quite some time.  In my dream, Tyler and I had just broken up.  I was telling the photographer that I did not want to rush into any relationship.  I was explaining that I have always rushed into relationships, but with Tyler.... I said I had not done this.

After a while, I noticed a large ship anchored near the shore (again to my left).  I began throwing a large red ball out to the people on the ship.  We were throwing the ball back and forth.  At one point the photographer caught the ball.  He threw the ball far into the ocean, away from the ship.  He told me that I should go get it.  I didn't want to.  I felt afraid.  I was afraid of what was beneath the water.  He wanted to photograph me scuba diving, which is apparently what we were at the beach to do.  He reasoned that I may as well dive in after the ball, since I had to go in at some point.  I kept stalling because of my fear, but I was trying very hard to seem unafraid.  

Despite my fear of the unknown, I distinctly felt a deep knowledge for what I would see under the water.  I could vividly imagine what was there.  I knew that there was a large purple and pink octopus.  I knew there were many brightly coloured fish and corals and sea plants.  It was beautiful all around me.  However, I was afraid of the octopus.  I was not sure if it was friend or foe.  I did not want it to touch me.

At some point I ended up in a vehicle.  It is unclear why or how I was then in a vehicle, but I do know that I was driving from Nicholson to Golden (although, it still distinctly felt like Kimberley).  Several of my friends from Kimberley were in the vehicle with me.  We were all discussing love lives.  There is much more to this concept than what I am writing, but I feel the need to respect privacy of myself and others.  On that note, that is all that I will say about this certain dream aspect.

The entire dream focused fully on the idea of not rushing into any type of relationship.  There was calm feeling for most of the dream, but also an underlying fearful anxiety.  The dream was vivid and for the most part not confusing (except for how I ended up in a vehicle).  It definitely brought up some interesting feelings and concepts that I have thought about these past few days.

I decided to look up some of the key aspects of my dream on the internet.  One site that had several interesting interpretations was:  www.dreammoods.com.  I quote this sites interpretations below.

I thoroughly enjoyed what the interpretation for an ocean was.
"To see an ocean in your dream represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal. Alternatively, the dream means that you are feeling empowered and unhindered. You have a positive outlook in life and are not limited by anything. If you are sailing across the ocean, then it signifies new found freedom and independence. You are showing great courage."

I was unable to find "ship" listed in the dream dictionary, but I did find boat.
"To dream that you are in or see a boat signifies your ability to cope with and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether it is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself. The dream could be telling you not to rock the boat and to stay out of harm's way."

The idea for skyscraper was quite intriguing.
"To see a skyscraper in your dream represents your high ideals, creativity, accomplishments and imagination. You always aim high at whatever you do. The skyscraper is seen as a metaphor for the fore-sights and achievements of man. Alternatively, the dream represents the phallus."

The symbolism for ball made me giggle.
"To see or play with a ball in your dream symbolizes completeness and wholeness. It may also indicate that you need to be more in tune with the inner child within. The dream may also be a metaphor for the testicles. Consider also the phrase, "he's got balls" to indicate guts and strength."

I also looked up what a city may mean in general:
"To see a city in your dream signifies your social environment and sense of community. If you dream of a big city, then it suggests that you need to develop closer ties and relationships. You are feeling alienated and alone."

I looked for the direction left since everything in my dream was on my left hand side.
"To dream of the direction left symbolizes the unconscious and your repressed thoughts/emotions. It is an indication of passivity."

This is the closest idea I could find to the photographer in my dream.
"To dream that you are a photographer represents your desire to hold on to a certain image, time or period in your life." 

The interpretation for the colour red was in reference to the large red ball that I was playing with.
"Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage, impulsiveness and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations. Consider the phrase "seeing red" to denote anger. Alternatively, the color red in your dream indicates a lack of energy. You are feeling tired or lethargic.
Red is also the color of danger, violence, blood, shame, rejection, sexual impulses and  urges.  Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions."

I identified the most with the first suggestion for what an octopus may mean.
"To see an octopus in your dream, means that you are entangled in some difficult matter. Your judgment is being clouded.  Alternatively, the octopus indicates that you are overly possessive and maybe too clingy in a relationship". 

Lazy, Hazy, Daze

Tracking my dreams has been a very interesting task. I have noticed that when I first begin to write down my dream, my mind feels confused and hazy.  Once I begin to write out some of the obscure details that I can remember, the haze seems to clear and I am able to recall more and more of my night time message.

I have to admit that tracking my dreams has not been an easy task.  I am someone who enjoys the slow waking of my morning slumber.  I like to take my time when I get out of bed, sometimes drifting back to sleep for minutes at at time.  This is not exactly conducive to my dream tracking.  To remember my dreams, I absolutely must write in my journal almost immediately.  If I do not, that confused haze takes over and I very soon forget.

I have been able to track my dreams about half of the seven days that I have been challenging myself.  If I am to succeed in gaining more insight into myself, I need to have more discipline from now on.  I must force myself to express my dream in writing, as soon as my eyes flutter open for the first time.  

Challenge #6: Dream Girl

Throughout my life I have had extremely vivid dreams.  Each dream is another world in which I live for only moments.  My deepest subconscious comes alive nightly to tell me, remind me or warn me of concepts that could or already are impacting my life.

As you can guess.... I am of the belief that dreams have meaning.  I do not believe that the "random" firing of my neurotransmitters is necessarily random at all.  My dreams happen because my subconscious is trying to tell me something (be it:  past, present or future). 

Describing my dreams to others has usually been fascinating for both sender and receiver.  I am intrigued by my own mind and it's deep complexities.  As a whole, the closest way to explain the majority of my dreams is to look at a Dali painting.  Fantastical, strange, conceptual, confusing and unique..... these characteristics are at play in my mind during REM sleep.  I love sleeping, because my dreams are always a new, exciting surprise waiting to happen.

While on the topic of my dreams, I should mention one interesting recurring dream style that my mind frequents:  water.  I dream of water almost every single time I close my eyes (that I remember).  Water is present in some way, no matter what else is happening in my dream.  I dream of lakes, pools, the ocean, waves, swimming, fish, ponds, drowning, floating.... the list does not end.  Many times aqua is connected to the emotions I am experiencing in my dream.  For example:  if my emotions are angry and tumultuous, there may be large waves crashing around me.  If my emotion is calm and happy, I may be swimming in a warm, calm, soothing lake.

I do not know with certainty why I dream of water so often.  One of my theories is because I am a Pisces.  A water sign, with two swimming fish.  This may be one reason, but I do not think it is a full explanation.  With my environmental views, I do think of water often as well.  Water certainly is very important to me.  My body for one, is almost entirely composed of this precious molecule.  It is also the most abundant compound on this planet's surface.  The most important ingredient for the ability to have life on Earth; my preoccupation is definitely justified.  I feel these are only part of the explanation for my dreamy obsession.  Perhaps my conscious evolution will help me to decipher the rest of this H2O puzzle.

Lucid dreaming also entices me.  From a very young age I have been able to wake myself up while dreaming.  This happens while in the throes of a nightmare.  I remember suddenly in my terror, that I am only dreaming, and I realize I can consciously force my mind to wake my body up.  The process is difficult and seems to take a few minutes (although, it may only be a few seconds.... I will probably never know for sure).  I usually go through a period of waking, where I "awaken" only to find myself back in my dream.... and then I realize that I have not yet successfully woken myself up, so I must try again.  This normally happens about two or three times, but eventually I open my eyes and know that I have again truly awakened myself from slumber.  The nightmare is officially over at this point. 

I would like to learn to lucid dream during great dreams.... and to stay asleep during these times.  Sometimes, on rare occasions I have known that I am dreaming and I do choose to stay asleep.  I choose to try to change my dream into something of my conscious creation..... but so far, my attempts have been mostly unsuccessful.

I know one step to lucid dreaming is to look at your hands.  I have not yet remembered to look at my hands.  Maybe soon?  However, this challenge is less about lucid dreaming (although, it may evolve into that) and more about gaining insight.  I would like to track my dreams using a dream journal to have a clearer vision of their meanings.  The lessons behind my closed eyes.  I would like to see if writing my dreams on paper will help me to decipher with more ease.

During this challenge I will track my dreams for one month to start (I may choose later to extend this challenge).  During this time, I will write about my feelings and insights gained during this experience at least three more times.  I will also describe in detail at least four different dreams that I feel are particularly interesting or important (that I have during the challenge period).  I will probably also choose to describe some of my past dreams just for the sake of interest. 

I encourage my readers participation for this challenge!  I would absolutely love to hear your interpretations of my dreams.  New eyes and minds may be helpful to my conscious evolution, and I would appreciate any feedback.  Also, if you are moved to tell me about any of your dreams, I am a willing participant!  I love dreaming and I am very interested in other people's dreams too.  It is a doorway into another persons mind :)

Dream Girl, you start tomorrow morning!

Circular Lessons

These lessons are circular
Of all I know
Round they go
Circular lessons
Surround my soul
Of all I know
Of this I sew
Circular, circular
A round-a-bout trip
Round I go
Around I slip
Slip and Fall
Around I go
I feel small
And all I know
Are these circular lessons
I never learn
Seasons change
Around I turn
Spinning, spinning
Of all I know
These circular lessons
Around I go
These lessons are circular
And all I know
This is my life
I know, I know

Secondary Benefit

One noticeable benefit I have found from my conscious evolution is that I have unwittingly progressed through personal challenges and goals that I have wanted to achieve or learn from for years.  These are things that I did not write about or intentionally seek within my conscious evolution.  Subconsciously I must be searching and in my current time I am finding.  My journey to learn more about myself, to express these desires and my ultimate findings of more life light, has helped me in more ways than each personal challenge can explain.  I am enjoying this secondary benefit.  I thought I might share one of my experiences of this unintentional evolution.  

I took a leap of faith and set out recently to a music festival on Texada Island called Diversity Festival.  It was small and intimate and full of kind faces.  I loved being able to truly connect with people that I frequently saw.  The festival was large enough to feel exciting, but small enough to encourage deep conversation and opening.  

I have always wanted to vend at a festival, so this year I did it.  I did not sell many of my beautiful headpieces (that I created with ethically sourced non-cruelty feathers).... but I did experience four days of enjoyment.  This festival had one stage for instrumental bands, musicians and another for electronic music.  The music was definitely delightful.  I have a memory of looking up into the sky, awash with Northern lights.... music playing in the background; Caitlin hoola-hooping near me on the beach.  Some memories you know will stay with you forever.

The festival also focused strongly on workshops to help people learn new skills and connect with each other.  I really enjoyed participating in African dance, improvised singing, African drumming and stilt walking.  Some of the other workshops included were:  improvised hip-hop freestyle, movement and dance, ribbon acrobatics, introduction to quantum mechanics, train-wreck avoidance (referring to mistakes while mixing beats electronically), yoga, and living foods nutrition.  I was vending, so I was unable to participate in all of the workshops, but I watched many from my tent (which was luckily located directly beside a stage).

One of my favorite experiences from this festival was the blessing/opening ceremony performed by some local First Nations of Texada Island.  Everyone was encouraged to get involved in the dances.  In one song, we chose a specific animal (wolf, eagle or orca) and each animal had a certain look and dance.  When the animal sound was called, you ran onto the dance floor to act out your chosen animal story.  It was fun, there was a lot of laughing.

The festival was successful in a non-monetary way.... which is definitely the best way possible.

Today I Write

 I love to write.

I love to truly express my feelings through my words.  When I describe exactly what I feel.... with no inhibitions, I feel internal release and freedom.  I have been missing that freedom lately.  Perhaps this is why I have taken so long to write about my conscious evolution?

Today I write with no obligation to my conscious evolution.  That in itself, is an eternal process, and despite my lack of immediate time to put forth into this chosen path; I do constantly imagine future challenges that will infuse my life with more light.  This blog however, has nothing to do with my conscious evolution.

Pure artistic expression and release.  Does every human being have this need?  Art in my eyes is not only a painting on a wall.  Each person is unique.  Art to me is expression...... don't we all need to express?       

The past is a curious subject.  Lately, thinking of my past has caused me much pain and also much happiness.  I do not like to live in my past, but I do think about both fond and traumatic memories often.  Sometimes more often than I believe is healthy.  This does not hinder my present, but sometimes I wish the movie in my mind would end.  If only I could truly live in each moment or, if I could experience chosen memory loss.   Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; one of my favorite movies.... there is a reason I like it so much and identify with the main characters.     

I actually began writing this post almost a month ago.  One month ago I ended with the paragraph above.... speaking of my former life.  I must have sensed that my past would soon emerge into my present life.   

My past recently has come to visit me.  First through an old friend, and more recently through a past love.  This resurgence interests me.  Why all at once?  Maybe to give myself a chance to right my wrongs, to feel closure.... to know that everyone is okay and on the right path in life?  I certainly do appreciate this gift from the universe.  Knowing one of my closest childhood friends is doing absolutely amazing things makes me so happy.  It also feels good to know that the man whom I shared my longest love relationship, is doing very well and seems happy.  I have worried about him.  We had a very tumultuous relationship.  It caused a lot of pain for both of us.  We learned many lessons.... but I never felt satisfied with the lack of closure the last time we saw each other.  Thankfully, I believe I have that now.

Many of my favorite past memories are dreamy, illusionary concepts of time now gone and often missed.  I still dream of a time when I played "one, two, three, tree" in the middle of the night.  I still do think of days when I stayed up late writing silly, salacious notes, trying to express with all of my heart how I felt inside; despite the fact that I had no comparison to the intense emotions I was so suddenly lucky to know.  I remember walking home late, always.  I remember the amazement at how even the shadows in the streetlights imitated the masculine and feminine forms.  I felt very feminine in those years.... I still do feel very feminine, just stronger.  I do feel envious of a time when I felt so sure about love that I couldn't even imagine any other way of being.  I have not again ran around in a golf course intoxicated.  At this point in my life, I am not sure that I would do that again.  I still have a love for umbrella shaped trees.... they hide secrets.  I do wonder if that life for me was even real, or if over the years, I have imagined my feelings to be more intense than they actually were.

I have tried to erase those memories.  I burnt letters, drawings, pictures and a time when love was something I believed was everything that was needed.  When I did this two years ago I thought I was letting go forever.  I wanted to start new love with lightness.  I wanted to forget, but now I know I was only solidifying my life path and destiny.  Burning did not make me forget.  I am okay with that.  I am glad that I have my past to tell me who I am today.  I am glad that I have my life now.  I am one very blessed soul to have liven everything I have.  The people in my life, past and present have always been my teachers.

My lessons in love and friendship have made the most impact.  That.... I will not ever forget.  

Cleanse Me: Challenge # 5

I have not had a chance to write lately about my conscious evolution.  Even though I have not written, I have put a lot of  time into thinking about this topic.  Thinking is as important as doing.  In the past few months I have had many ideas for change and certain ideas that I would like to investigate more deeply.  Soon I will begin a new challenge.  This post however, is about a challenge that I started and completed about a month back....

My body was in need of a cleanse.  I could feel it.  My joints have been bothering me for a few years, my mind has been cloudy, and I have constantly felt stuffed up.  After eating nutritionally void camp food all winter, I decided it was time. 

In the past, I have only attempted to cleanse my body once (about five years ago).  This first cleansing experience was absolutely terrible.  I had no idea what I was getting into.  I chose to try a quick twenty-four hour full body cleanse.  Big mistake!  This cleanse consisted of four pills and a salty liquid, that was so disgusting I could barely choke it down.  Within only a few hours of beginning the cleanse, my stomach started to seriously ache.  Then, within five hours of the cleanse, my stomach started to swell.  It just kept getting larger.  It actually looked like I was about five months pregnant; no lie.  It was both disturbing and hilarious.  Until this experience, I did not think it was possible for my stomach to look so huge, so fast.  The pain was nearly unbearable.  After rolling around in agony and laughter for quite some time, my "relief" finally came.... quite suddenly.  I will only say this:  I spent four hours straight in the bathroom.  Toilet paper starts to feel about as soft as a rock after only half an hour.....

Justifiably, after this horrific experience... cleansing has terrified me.  I have avoided it, despite the benefits toted by natural health professionals.  Luckily, in the last year I have become good friends with two very knowledgeable women.  My friend Ella is a genius when it comes to nutrition.  She is currently taking courses to become a nutritionist, and she works at an organic grocery store.  My sweetheart's sister Caitlin, is training to become a herbalist and she is like a little cleansing herb encyclopedia.  With both their positive opinions of body cleansing, I was encouraged enough to attempt a cleanse again.

I chose to do the "Wild Rose" cleanse.  This cleanse is a twelve day full body detox which takes diet into account.  It was easy to follow, with a cookbook full of tasty, nutritional meals to help the cleansing process.  When I was preparing for the cleanse I felt very nervous that I would constantly feel hungry.  I have a huge appetite.  I actually eat more than Jordan who is one hundred and ninety pounds.  To ease my fears, I bought way more food than what was necessary.  I felt prepared with full cupboards, but nervous that I would give into my cravings.  Surprisingly, for the most part I felt very satisfied and full...... except for my cheese cravings (those were monstrous).

Overall, the experience was positive.  My body felt clean near the end of the twelve days and my mind felt clear.  I would definitely do a cleanse again.  Next time I may create my own cleanse, with the help of Ella and Caitlin's knowledge.  I believe in a deep connection between mind and body, and including a cleanse in my conscious evolution has been beneficial

Positives of my experience:

• near the end of the cleanse, my joint pain completely disappeared
• the food kept me full (despite my doubts)
• the food was very flavorful (despite my doubts) 
• I feel proud that I stuck to my cleanse foods (except for a few minor cheats)
• I realized that I don't need to eat as much dairy as I currently do
• I was allowed to eat as much fish as I wanted during the cleanse (and have incorporated this into my current eating habits)
• the cleanse reminded me to drink much more water
• Jordan and I did this cleanse together, so it made the entire process easier and more fun
• my fear of cleansing has completely abated
• I was allowed to drink as much herbal tea as I wanted :)
• my addiction to bread and wheat has definitely decreased
• my awareness of what I put into my body has deepened

Negatives of my experience:  

• I experienced joint pain (more than normal), some headaches and and nausea at the beginning of the cleanse (this is normal for most cleanses)
• I experienced some severe cravings for dairy products
• I did not ease myself into my regular foods after the cleanse, so I have experienced some return of side effects (like joint pain - this is also normal)
• my energy level took a big dive and I feel that the allotted animal protein was insufficient for my activity level
• climbing a multi-pitch climb with such a small amount of protein, made the climb feel more tiring that it would have been normally (I would never combine a multi-pitch climb and a body cleanse ever again)

Bumble bee

Life has been overwhelmingly busy.  Too much has, is and will be happening for me.  Even a few moments of reflection (to decide upon which challenge I will face next), has been difficult to find.  I am sorry for this delay.... but I promise to begin a new challenge as soon as it is possible in my life :)

Delve Deep

I leave tomorrow morning for one last work contract.  I thought I was already finished for the season, but a contract suddenly materialized this afternoon.  The opportunity is excellent and I can not turn it down.  This one contract will completely pay for mine and Jordan's Burning Man trip (minus the tickets that we already own). 

I have three ideas for my next challenge.  All are equally important in my life.  Each is on a deeper level than my previous challenges.  These ideas all address certain insecurities of mine.  While I am gone, I am going to choose my new challenge.  I will start it upon my return.   

I feel ready to delve deeper in my spiritual quest.  This will help me to truly face myself and help me to make some big life changes.  Until now, I have not felt it was the right time.  I feel nervous about getting so deep on my public blog.  This is essentially an open journal of my thoughts and feelings. 

When I decided to start these challenges, I wanted to have someone.... anyone, to answer to.  That is why I chose to write about my experiences publicly.  I may not be answering to anyone specific, but having readers allows me to feel like I have to stay true to what I write.  It keeps me honest.  Otherwise, it would be so easy for me to forget about these challenges and why I do them. 

At the beginning of this conscious evolution, I vowed to be brutally honest in my writing.  Still, the thought of people reading about my deepest insecurities or negative traits, really frightens me.  I have to remember that being completely open is a really good trait.  It doesn't matter if others disagree or think negatively of me or my life.  My learning and my honesty are what counts. 

I am preparing to take these challenges to the next level.  Fear and excitement mix inside of me.  I know I will learn more about myself than I thought possible.  Stay tuned.  

 

Many Small Lessons

Ideas listed on:  January 18 & February 11

As a whole, I felt successful in this challenge.  Sure, I sometimes forgot to write in my journal.  Yes, it did slip my mind to use my left hand to brush my teeth......on more than a few occasions.  There were several days when I forgot entirely to use both hands (particularly in the first month).  Despite all of this, I learned a ton; learning is the epitome of what my challenges are about.

While learning to become ambidextrous, I was reminded that new habits require time to start.  Habits then take even more time to follow through with.  It took me almost a full month to remember to use my left hand, then it took another full month of patience to feel comfortable. Once I was completely immersed in the challenge, I again began to forget all about it (especially in the last week and a half).  It was all very up and down, but I liked it.

I enjoyed this challenge a lot!  I actually noticed a slight feeling of panic, two weeks into my second month (extended challenge). I could see an end in sight, and I feared the end.  I love to experience new learning curves and see my progression.  My panic was because I did not want the exciting feelings to end.  Relief was felt when I thought of the other challenges that I would like to experience.  I also decided that: if during any challenge I would like my progress to extend, I have permission to make this happen.  Allowance for extensions makes allowance for growth.    

In the last month I noticed a habit that really surprised me.  I naturally use my left hand to gesture when I speak.  When I say this, I mean that I use it astronomically more so than my right hand.  This was a habit I would never have noticed otherwise.  Since this challenge required me to be much more aware of my hand use, I was able to see this clearly.  I have no idea why I do this.  When I Googled the subject, I could not find a clear answer.  The right side of the brain controls creativity (and the left side of the body), so possibly this may play a part?  If anyone has any idea why I gesture more with my left hand, I would love to hear from you.

"I Am Blessed With Two Hands" is now finished.  I feel satisfied with this experience and the many small lessons I have learned.  The progression I saw during the past two months has renewed my enthusiasm completely in this journey to consciously evolve.  Much philosophical pondering has come from my challenges thus far. 

Soon I will be choosing a new challenge.  I have many ideas but nothing has jumped out at me yet.  One thing I know for sure:  my next challenge will be inspired by someone I love.  My friends and family are full of admirable characteristics and interesting knowledge.  I am so lucky :)  All of my recent challenge ideas have been in response to what I love in the people I care about.  I would like to honor someone with my next challenge. 

People inspire people.

Day 1:  Writing with my left hand

Last week:  Writing with my left hand